|One more day...|
So, You don't really know much about me. So let me start by giving a bit of background.
I broke up with my daughters dad when I was 3 months pregnant, he had suddenly turned into a controlling abusive man - the opposite to the kind affectionate man I had fallen in love with. It was a hard decision to make, to willingly bring myself to being a full time single mum. He had no contact since she was born, he just couldn't be bothered anymore. So, this is where it all began, my new life; I moved from london to Ireland, alone with a new baby at 18. Yep I had lost my mind.
Roll on three years, I had been in my new home for three years, not met many people, especially no men. For me this was odd. Ever since I was 14 I had constant boyfriends. Although looking back they were barely relationships. I fleeted from one boy to the next without much thought of their feelings or mine for that matter. Then I had met Lillie's dad and all changed. So no men for 3 years was unheard of for me. I thought I had given myself enough time to adjust to my new life, to find myself and who I was, without being attached to another person. My whole Identity had taken a 180 turn in the space of days since arriving in the emerald isles.
So I took it apon myself to start dating. I dated a guy I had breifly known since I had arrived, we dated for about 6 months and I learnt what it was like to date as a single mum. Almost impossible. Babysitters were almost impossible to find, so the majority of our relationship happened between my couch and the bedroom. not very stimulating to build great foundations on. We didnt really know each other enough. So alas, it ended. I learnt that it was hard to seperate my life as a mum to that of my relationships, it was hard to realise that I was still myself, but a mum too. It's so hard to explain unless you've been there.
So, I decided to try internet dating. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I ever try internet dating I would have laughed boldly in your face. But here I was, 21 and searching for a man via cyber space. It felt wierd and alien and I couldn't shake that feeling of embarrassment and shame. I'm not being big headed here, although it will sound like it. But I'm always told by men how pretty my eyes and smile are, although its usually to get into my knickers. I wouldnt say I was a model type, but Im no ugly duckling either. yet here I was amungst all the mothers whose children had flown the nest, the divorcees, the desperate, trying in vain to find a nice man who would accept me as me.
As I was about to give up I got a message from a nice looking guy. We chatted for weeks over email before I plucked up the courage to swap numbers. Then it took few more weeks before we met. To say I fell in love with this man was an under statement. After merely 3 dates I just knew something special would come out of it. We had amazing chemistry, I had never felt before. We didn't sleep together for a long long time, and the surprising part of it was that he didn't even push the subject, unusually he just let it happen naturally. Perhaps is ease and relaxed nature was what made me fall for him after my previous experiences.
Over time this man became my rock, he helped me in more ways than I care to explain on here. I loved him more than I could ever have imagined. We had talked about children and eventually marriage etc etc. Everything was so perfect. he spoilt me rotten, with gifts and nights out, with affection and care. Everything I had ever looked for in a man was there.
Roll on November 4th 2010. This is the last time I saw him. We had an amazing night, perfection. But later that week, he ended our relationship after recieving a message from someone telling him I had been cheating on him. It was all false, but he chose to believe them. That was it. the end of our relationship. I was in shock, complete and utter shock. I felt like it had been a bad dream and I would wake up feeling stupid for believing it had happened. No such luck.
I'm not gunna lie, it tore me apart. I went into a really dark place. A scarily dark place. I know you shouldn't let anyone affect you as much as that but I couldn't help it. We are still in contact and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. In one sense I miss him so much and would love for us to be able to meet up and chat like we used to but just as friends. I know though that we wouldn't just chat. We never could resist each other once we began. Like pringles, once we popped we just couldnt stop. In another sense I think I should have cut contact straight away. I thought after this long the pain would have eased. I would have moved on like I always did. But no. 15 long weeks, constantly thinking of him and our life together and how it all went wrong. I have tried dating again but I just have o interest in anyone else. I dont hate this man. I still madly love him. I don't understand him and probably never will, but I still love the very bones of him.
Anyway, just a little rant from me. Maybe it''s time I forced myself to move on now... you never know, another man may come along and maybe I'll feel so much stronger than he ever did. Who knows. Why do I feel like I need someone else there to feel comfortable? I dont want to feel like that. I just dont know how else to live. I annoy myself sometimes. Thanks for 'listening'. Hope you all have a good day.