I have felt such deep despair for over half a year, but I can't even seem to be able to cry. The tears just won't come. Not that having a good weep once a day would solve anything, but at least it might provide some sort of temporary release. It seems that even this is denied me. Am I too sad to cry? is there such a thing? Even when I put a sad song on I can't cry. The only time I seem to be able to cry like a baby is when I speak to my mum on the phone. I don't want that. Just want to be able to have a half hour sob in the privacy of my room when I need to. Damn it!
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RYN: It was a specific event, you know, like how many people start believing in God because they become ill, or get sent to prison. Although I've found that God can use such situations to bring a person closer to having faith in Him. I always denied the possibility of something something greater, and the idea that after death you'll go somewhere. The start of 2010 I decided my "goal" would be to find if God was real or not so I started reading the Bible and taking notes. I found some things I liked, other things I didn't, and a lot of things I didn't understand.
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3/7/2012 2:13:59 PM
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RYN: (cont) I had this silly idea that at some point while reading through the Bible, or by the time I got to the end, God would just magically "appear" and I'd have the proof I needed. LOL. I don't know, I guess I thought God was a genie. He didn't magically appear, but the changes I felt, and was going through, things I wasn't doing on myself, but just happening on their own, kept me interested, eventually I tired praying, then it became a daily thing. It wasn't until much later, that learned about the Holy Spirit and connected the changes to the work of God. It surely wasn't my own doing. I sometimes fought against it, but I eventually decided to see what would happen if I kept at it. It's really hard to explain, but it was truly out of this world kind of stuff. I don't believe it was just limited to me either. I think anyone can go through this journey. I can say, I wouldn't trade it in for ANYTHING. [nikoncrazy]
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3/7/2012 2:17:58 PM
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