|Seemingly bottomless pit|
Good day! as in "Hello", not "it's been a good day because as ever it hasn't.
I am learning by ever bitterer degrees that there is no destination in life. No it is not a "journey". I detest the term "journey". There is no point A and point B, and neither do you travel from one to the other, unless you conceive that point A constitutes birth, and point B... well need I even mention it?! As I have struggled over the years and been progressively immersed in the mire of faeces which constitutes our earthly existence, I have come to realise something. I used to be of the opinion that if I worked hard and never gave up on my goals of succeeding at university, playing drums in bands, finding a girl to love and loving her to bits, then happiness would come my way. I got a good undergraduate degree, but hard work does by no means guarantee success. I am about to start a job that I do not wish to do, but I will. I have practiced my drums nearly every day for years, and played in several bands, without so much as a sniff of commercial success. I loved my girlfriend to bits, I was a really good devoted boyfirend. Always there for her when she needed me. She said as Much. Dumped me anyway. I have always striven to maintain a positive attitude in the face of years of chronic physical pain. I have seen numerous doctors and stuck to various dietary regimes, medications, etc, in an attempt to get better. Did any of it work. Absolutely not. I have realised that effort and commitment does not guarantee success and happiness. There is no destination point, at which you will suddenly feel happy. You must accept that things are quite possibly always going to be pretty rubbish, and just find things to distract and amuse you along the way. There is no final destination called happiness. Only for the lucky few. The rest of us must try to understand that sadness and misery is merely another emotion much like happiness, anger, jealousy, love, hate, you get the picture. That is in a way stating the obvious. But when you think about it, why on earth do humans experience sadness as unpleasant and happiness as peasant?
Today I was out volunteering again. Like always, it was a distraction. it was quite busy today actually. They seem to be giving me a bit more responsibility. I play the part of the happy, bubbly, slightly sarcastic chap in the office; what else can one do? Granted, I could let it all hang out and play the miserable git, but people would think, well what the hell's the matter with him. As i've said in previous entries, people don't much like being round unhappy people, because they find unhappiness unnerving, because humans find uhappiness unpleasant. So after volunteering I went to band practice. As expected, I was monumentally rubbish. That is what happens when you don't practice for two weeks. We have a gig in town on st patrick's day. Funnily we are on the bill with a band I had a bit of a run in with when we played on the same bill a couple of weeks ago. The lead singer threatened to beat me up. Nice guy. Maybe when we meet again he'll be true to his word. meh. As soon as I left band practice the sheer despair associated with missing my ex returned with a vengeance. Must I miss you like this always dear? People say that the further away from a relationship, the easier things get; I fear it is going to be the other way round in my case. The further along time goes, the more likely it will be that she has found someone else and thus a possible horrible reality becomes concrete, grim reality. That is an agony I am being progressively immersed in. Like a man wo has fallen into quicksand, experiencing the helpless panic of one getting slowly sucked under, powerless to stop it. Holding onto his last breath, knowing that when he tries to take his next one it will be futile, and the slurry of earth will enter his lungs, burning, choking, killing. it does not matter how you try and think about it, to try and make the objective reality any less agonising. That is what is happening. The man drowning in quicksand has the relative comfort of knowing that his struggle is finite. After several minutes of agonising death throes his lungs and airways will be saturated, and he will be no more, whereas I must be on this torture rack, probably as long as I live. i hope not. I long to fall in love again; i hope it will happen. I have not seen one girl in seven months, who even comes anywhere near close in terms of beauty to my ex. I know that in the scheme of things seven months is seven months hardly an eternity. What makes this more difficult, is that as time goes by, i deteriorate. I hve taken up smoking again this last half year, and don't see a time anywhere in the near future when i will be able to stop. Therefore my already average looks will begin to fade, and I will become uglier by the month. I am also developing a drink problem, which is bound to have a similar effect. I do not have the energy to take much exercise. i do not have the motivation to eat very healthily. I struggled to attract pretty girls with a nice personality into my life to start with when I was looking after myself, and motivated to achieve goals, what hope is there if I deteriorate physically and stagnate where I am mentally and emotionally?
I have made a friend online in the last few months. The friendship had an unlikely beginning. We met in a forum for people wanting to commit suicide. We started emailing an have built up a correspondence. We have both decided to try and give life another shot, for better or worse, and we support each other mentally via an email or so a week. I just got another installment from her, in which she said that she thought i would almost certainly find love again because I'm a "lovely guy". And yes, it's true although I say so myself I can be a lovely guy, given the right circumstances. Being a very nice guy counts for virtually bugger all when it comes to women. You get lumped into that "friend zone" place faster than you can say jack robinson. I don't really know what they want anymore to be honest. They seem to want someone who's interesting or intriguing. Why must we have to play these silly games. What's wrong with "i'm really nice, will allways look out for you, honour you cherish you, share jokes with you, make you laugh when I can"? Not enough apparently.
This does not reflect well on me, but for the most part I find humanity incredibly ugly, both inside and out. I am not exempting myself from this by any means. I am not especially pretty to look at, and god knows my chatracter and personality is as flawed as hell. I find people's personalities unpleasant and difficult, my own included. It is not particularly their fault it is merely the ridiculous manner in which our brains have been wired. i find most people physically incredibly ugly and unappealing to look at. Myself included. i am so desperate to be rescued from the stench, drudgery and mire of humanity by someone who is both beautiful in body and soul. The reason I miss my ex so much is because she was both to me. I have never found that combination before in anyone I have met, and don't see how on earth I shall ever find that again. I shall in all likelihood be doomed, to slip, slide, crawl and slowly asphyxiate in this squalor with which I have struggled to cope at the best of times. That isnot a terribly flattering assessment of my fellow man. Maybe any of you reading this will feel insulted that I am in all likelihood including your number as part of the hideous putrid waste that makes up 99% of mnkind. And yu have every right to feel insulted. i am no better or worse than the rest of you. Please do not think that I operate under some sort of superiority complex. I do not. i am merely disgusted at the ugliness that most of us embody. it is not our fault; we do our very best with the horrendous situations bodies and psychological makeups with which we are granted. This is why I have become obsessed with her. i am weak, and I need rescuing from this pit. Both my own personal pit, and the pit of collective humanity. I fear that only she could have done that. I hope there is another. I do not expect there to be much sympathy from anyone who can be bothered to read this. I have said some rather unpleasant things. Some selfish things. I am selfish, like most people. Even people who claim to be altruistic. Why are they altruistic? because in being so they give themselves a sense of self gratification.
There is no destination. Merely more of this... in all likelihood.