Well I passed me drug test :) I kinda cheated the system but o well i needed the job... so i had to do what i had to do. but i am so ready to start working! I start working July 2nd at the hospital in dietary... Since I got this good job I have decided to take a year or a semester of from school and make money... i know some people may argue that that is stupid but i rather make money than be in debt.. and inplus i didnt like Thiel, it was a bad school. a lot of bad things happened to me there and I got into harcore drugs... only because my best friend Tex was super rich and he blew all his money on expensive drugs like cocaine and acid...

but anyways I want to get my life together... i want to finish up my counseling with andrea and i wouldnt be able to do that if i went to school either... when i was at school i was in a very dark place... i was very lonley, and i was very depressed... i smoked weed everyday and i tripped balls like twice a week because i hated living in reality...but i really think that me taking a year off will be good..

i need to get my addiction problem worked out.. i personally dont think i am addicted to weed because i herd that u cant get addicted to it... i guess i am addicted to the high i get i get. i just love feeling good when i smoke weed.. but i have to quit smoking cause now that i have this job they can piss test you anytime.. and i came to conclusion last night that its either i smoke weed and get high or i work and make money for my future.... and i decided to work and make money... but the thing is addiction is a little hard to break. i have been smoking weed since i was 17 and ever since then i have smoke it pretty heavily..the longest time i went sober for was the 3 months i was in rehab/mental hopstial/ placement... and then i was clean for 7 months of college during my cross country season.

durning cross country season i an completly sober... running is something i dont let my drugs interfere with. but i really do think i have an addiction problem.. i actually smoked yesterday. i gave into temptation and i got high with lil erik helena tracy and my younger brother... i was very dissapointed in myself but shitt i pissed my test so fuck it... but  i really am going to quit smoking. i have to for crying out loud.

i am looking foward to this wonderfull oppertunity to work in the hosptial. i am working in the dietary department. ill be taking food treys to the different rooms which isnt that bad. but the hospital ahs good benefits and i start off small but i can always work my way up a lot of people say... my dreams of being a counselor are going to be delayed for awhile into i figure out my own metal problems... and untill i can handle my own drug addiction...

On another note Im single now :( but i am kinda sad. but i think its better for the both of us. since i am the immature teenager who cant keep my hormones to myself whenever i get intoxicated... but my switz girl did teach me a lot.. and i will always value our internet relationship even if it was just a fantasy kinda thing.. cause u never know maybe once i fully mature and maybe once i grow up fully she will take me back and now that i have  a job i can set some $$ aside for that trip to switz soon. cause its on my bucket list and before i day i really do want to travel there... even if i go to see her and we are just friends... i would like to meet her... she is a big inspearation to me... she has been through so much in her life... and she hasnt given up yet.. she gives me a lot of insperation.. and she means a lot to me.. and a part of me still has a lot of feelings for her.. and she will ALWAYS be precious to me friends are not friends... theres just something about her that i admire... she has a spark to her.. that grabbed me attention. but now i am single... and i will stay single for awhile...inplus even if i did want to get into a relationship all the lesbians in my town are either taken or they are the attenion whores like "hey look at me i kiss girls for attention because i am a dirty hoe who wants dick and pussy" i hate girls like that.. i cant stand it and there are sooo many of those girls here.. inplus no one here thinks i am pretty... i dont even consider myself pretty... but latley i have felt good about myself... only becuae paola gave me so much self confidence... she made me feel very beautifull. and i love her for that! for helping me feel pretty.. for helping me gain some self confidence.

on another note... i truly adore my sisters...i use not like them beucase they are so damn perfect and me compaired to them made me feel like a devil but now I LOVE THEM... and i wouldnt hestitate to put my life in there hand.

o yeah my older brother, my best friend, had his court yeserday his P.O. tried to get him his max out of a 2 years sentence for violating his probation rules.. she was a very ignorant bitch. but he only got 3 months thank god! o yeah and i cant stand my brothers  anorexic girlfriend that lying little bitch, nothing agianst people with anorexia i could care less about that... its just she is trying to turn my brother and i agianst each other and its annoying as  hell. also she lies about being pregnat every other day and then she has "misscariages" bitch you werent even pregnat int he first place so stop all your lying.. you stupid hoe ! ugh!!!!!! i cant stand her foreal 

well its very hott today., i think i want to go swimming or skinny dipping or something crazy.. haha jk i would never go skinny dipping unless it was with a very very hott girl that i loved :) im very self conscience about my body. sorry this entry was all over. i just had a lot to say. have a good day!