|Day to Day Struggle|
So today I woke up and my mom cooked breakfast for us... it was nice. We got dressed and went to church. I have been going to church for the past couple of weeks. I am trying to make it a routine and try to actually live a chrisitan life. which for me is hard because of my bad choices i make.. but i am young and i am still now learning from my mistakes and i really do want my life to be better. i really want to be a good person all around. but anyways i went to church and i sat with my friend Deb Stallard. Well she is my grandmas best friend. But she is a really sweet lady and her 4 year old grandson Jordy adores me. I play with him a lot when we are together.
But Deb sat the second pew back from the alter. So we were really close, I am not use to sitting close in the front. But today the pastor told us that she wanted all of the teenagers to stay and listen to the sermon. So I thought it would be a good one. The sermons are always good dont get me wrong. But today my pastor preached about Hell. She preached about how it is a real place and what not. But then she started reading things out of the bible like the things that will lead you to hell. It was pretty discriptive, very intense. She described hell so crucial. I mean I guess it would be a scary place to go. But then my pastor went on to talking about what gets you to hell, betraying god, not living a christian life, and then what caught me attention was her saying "men with men, and women with women" and then she went on to saying "how are you going to live a christian life and come to church and be a lesbian.... and then she kept on ranting" but i just was so torn by that statement. I mean yes i know that i am into girl. Its obvious that I live females. Being with a women to me is perfect... it doesnt get much better than that.
but when she said that i was hurt. i quickly got angry. but then i fought with myself to keep on paying attention. i cant question my own relegion. because then i would be loosing faith. and i belive in God 100% I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and I belive he rose agian in 3 days.... i belive it just tears my heart to think that I would go to hell for loving a female. I have been bias a lot latley when it come to relegion. I kinda have a slight bit of anger towards it... but now that i say that i really feel guilty. actually i am ashamed at saying that. how could someone be angry with relegion. im just torn because i am a good person. besides the pot i smoke, and the pills i pop here and there and beside all of the partying i am a good person. im just living a teenager life i guess. i no thats not an exuse but the over all picture is i am good person. i am nice, im respectful, i am smart, i am well behaved, i am friendly... i could keep on going on and on but to think that i could go to hell for like a female terrifies me.
it scares me so much that i question if i am really into girls? maybe its been a phase ive been going through, or maybe i just did it as a drunk thing and i just got the label and i played a long with it.. or maybe i just did it for attention.. but i know i didnt but still maybe... i dont know why i like girls... i didnt choose to i mean it just came natural. idk why i started having those gut feelings... i dont know. but i am scared... i dont know what to do. i talk to God but I mean i i just dont know. i really should stop liking girls. i mean people say its possible. but i dont want to. but i have to. i mean my mom and my family and my pastor all say that when God has my full attention and when I am acctually living my life for him then is when things will get better. maybe then ill meet this guy i am suppose to marry and fall in love with and have a family and live happily ever after together. NO THIS IS NOT A FAIR TALE, MY LIFE IS FAR FROM A FAIRY TALE.... but thats pretty much my only choice...
cause changing my relegion sure in hell aint happening cause i do belive in God... i just have to stop liking girls... maybe ill be asexual... thats where you have no intrest in a sexual orentation... i wont date. i mean i know thats just selt torcher because everyone gets those hormones feelings here and now.. but fuck it... i dont like having sex as it is... sex just isnt my things. unfortunatley those perverted sexual predator men that abused me ruined sex for me.... i literally dont enjoy sex. its so uncomfertable to even be naked in front of a person.. but its silly that i even say this because i am the drunk girl who likes sex... but thats a drunk thing i guess.
but i dont know... this is just a sad sad sad thing to think about, im actually torn to what i should do. i guess i should just pray. and talk to my pastor or a minister. maybe i should ask them to help me change... but then agian the only way a person will change is if they want to. its sad that i have to make myself change... like i dont even have this choice in reality. im sad... i dont know how to feel. i have been lonley and quiet and kept to myself a lot latley.... just because i know i am going to have to change something... i dont know what to do.. i am so sad..
i dont want to go to hell