WELL i suck... i suck a lot.. 

i cut myself last night.. my right thigh to be specific because i felt my wrist would be too noticeable because its starting to get really hot out... i wasnt planning on telling anybody about it... but ... i had to tell Daddy.  For some reason, i was kinda scared to tell him.  He already knew that i had cut myself before, and he accepted that and understood, but i didnt know how he would feel about me doing again... I was afraid he would leave me for some reason, even tho now that i think about it that was a really STUPID thought, he  would never leave because of that.  so... i decided to test the waters so to speak... i lied and said i had ALMOST done something bad last night... and once i realized he loved me and understood and would be disappointed in me for doing it BUT not mad i decided i needed to tell him.... i could have kept it a secret, but there was no way i was going to, i just needed to tell him.... so i did.... and boy did i majorly screw up!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh god, i realized i lied to him... i LIED to my Daddy.... i still cant believe i did that... what the heck got into had gotten into me???? WHY did him leaving even cross my mind when i know he never would... i was so dumb... and he was so disappointed in me... oh god how i teared up when i realized how much i had hurt him.... i suck... so hard... how could i do that to someone i care so deeply for? ... he is the ONE person i can talk to about anything and everything, and i lied to him.... how could i do that!!!!!!!! i hurt him so much he couldnt come up with a punishment... but he thinks that is punishment enough... and i guess he is right, because my mind wont stop racing, and i still cant figure out how i could do that to him....but i still feel like i deserved worse... im so lucky to have him, i love him....i love him more than he could ever know... and i will NEVER ever hurt him again... and i will try to never hurt myself again either.

p.s i skyped with mike tonight and cried way too much and did not tell him about me cutting myself again... and then i tried to pick a fight with him for some reason, i just kinda wanted to fight, but he said he did not fight.. and i asked how he could leave me even when i was crying, and he said "there was no reasoning with you. You werent going to accept it, so i didnt give you a choice" and THAT my friends is the kind of attitude i have been searching for :) i loved it

p.p.s but at the end of the day i still cant get over how much i hurt Daddy...