|The randomness of me.|
Oops, I didn't mean to press enter...
The past few days, I've been trying to sleep with no luck. Then I end up taking a nap in the middle of the day because otherwise I wouldn't be able to function. Most of the time when I can't sleep, it is because something is on my mind. This is my latest issue.
I think I have developed commitment issues. The thought of any guy wanting to plan anything long term with me freaks me out. I get this sense of panic when I think a guy is going to get emotional and clingy on me.
I used to not be like this. What changed? I think it is what happened with Evan. I used to be fine planning things with guys and being all emotional and lovey, but now..... The moment that really sticks out in my mind is my concert right after the break up. He was supposed to go to my concert. It had been planned out for a few weeks in advance, but the break up kinda ruined it. The whole time I kept looking around, checking if he was there.
Now I'm to the point that the thought of planning anything more than a week in advance with a guy makes me stress.
I don't want a long term relationship. I don't want to deal with all the messy emotional crap, and I don't want to deal with a guy talking about how much he cares about me. I don't want to deal with any of it.
Part of me thinks that I am damaged because of what happened.
I used to love reading romance novels, and reading about true love. Now, the thought of all of it just makes me roll my eyes and cringe.
Right now, I just want a casual thing. Nothing permanent. Definitely nothing long term.
I don't cry when I see his picture, but I still feel this tug at my heart. I can't go through that again. I don't want to let any guy close enough to do that to me again. I think it was a mistake to let Evan into my heart the way I did.
He crushed me to the point that i almost didn't know how to get back to myself.
When I was growing up, I always wanted to find a guy who would love me and all that mushy stuff.
Now..... I don't want someone who is going to get super attached to me. Mostly because I know I can't give them what they want in return. I don't want to let myself open up to someone the way I did with Evan. I need to protect and take care of myself.
I don't care if that makes me selfish right now. If I let someone in now, I think my world would just shatter again. I can't take that again. Maybe one day.... but not today.