I have been dealing with some physical health issues since last October.  I have maintained myself mentally up till now.  Its getting really hard though.  I am pulling in all the resources and coping skills I have.  I have a lot of them.  I think I will be able to sort myself out if I start utilizing some of my coping skills I have learned over the years in therapy.  I don't want to have to go back to therapy, but if this doesn't start getting a little better mentally I may have to,

     I am so scared of so much right now.  God is well aware of the fact that sometimes I read so much information that its actually probably not healthy for me.  It seems thought that I am going to have to be my own advocate for awhie with the neuro doc.  Wich is half the reason I do so much reading, the other fifty percent is because that is just how I cope with things I don't understand.

     The term MG (myasthenia gravis) keeps popping up so I have been reading and reading.  I even joined a support group of people with MG, they have been a wonderful support system and are full of awsome information.

     Its just that this isn't easy.  In the past when my mental stuff has kicked my azz all over the place I have still been in control.  Thats not how it feels with this though.  My body just doesn't cooperate like its supposed to right now.  Its scary.

     I am facing the unknown right now, and although I am trying to learn as much as I can, and have been and will continue to find ways to do things in an easier fashion, its just still really hard not knowing what my future holds.

I think the worst and the hardest part for me is not knowing how much of my quality of life I will get back when I do get a diagnoses.  At this point taking care of my basic needs would be a blessing and I could live with that.  Wondering though if I am going to have to have help bathing, cooking meals, being able to get dressed by myself, or brush my own hair, well it's just a really hard thing to reconcile with ones self at the moment.  Then there is the whole will I ever be able to work again, finish my degree in psychology, take myself shopping at walmart without anyone with me.  Thats hard to reconcile with myself too right now.  Am I going to have to be depended on someone ealse for the basic life nessessities for the rest of my life.  It just really sucks not knowing.  The waiting is about to drive me insane.

     I also worry about my quality of life with my son.  He is only ten.  We used to wrestle and play nerf guns and all sorts of stuff.  He doesn't get any of that.  This last school year, the fifth graders had to write down one wish.  What was it they would want if they could have one wish.  My son wrote about how he wants his mommy to get better.  It broke my heart.  He is a sweet and kind young man.  I kills me not to be able to do simple things like drive him to the pool.  He desearves better the this.  Then a sick mommy who is only capable of sitting on her tushy because she can't do much of anything ealse.

     I just want a diagnosis so that I can start moving forward.  If it has to be a nurse to stay with me, I can live with that.  I could at least start volenteering with Hope Unlimited again if I had someone to help me.  I don't care what it takes, I just wan't some of it back.  Don't get me wrong, I hope they can put me back to perfect and I would damn sure settle for close to perfect.  But I also know how sick I am right now, and I feel like it will take a miracle for that to actually happen.  So all I am saying is I would settle for less and be happy with it if I had to.

     Throughout this whole ordeal I have been trying so hard to stick with my good ole rules for keeping depression at bay.  I am kicking it up to a higher level right now.  So far I have been utilizing skills like writing, talking, finding support groups to help me out along the way.  I get up on time every morning during the week.  I eat my three meals a day.  I get dressed instead of lounging around in my jammies, music and some meditation I even added a new hobby in the form of bird watching wich I really enjoy.  I make a point not to spend my whole day gamming on my lap top.  I put my hair up, put on my make up.  I am trying.  Its just not working.

     Tommarow I going to kick it up a few notches though.  I am going to go back to the positive poster on the wall.  Make a schedule out for meditation, I am even going back to the whole three times a day with that.  I am going to start doing some art therapy again.  Mandalla's help sort out feeling and stuff.  I am going to start drawing, or painting again.  Whatever you want to call it.  I love chalk art, but am going to try some oil pastels.  I read that it has a longer shelf life after you are done with it, yet I should be able to blend it like I can chalk.  Pretty excited about that.  I am actually a rather lousy artist, but it is something that I really enjoy.   I am going to try to start crocheting again, even its only like one row of the blanket a day that I am making.  I am going back to affirmations.  I haven't decided if I wan't to do the notecard thing again, or if I want to use my laptop to make some with pictures and stuff.  I will make at least ten to read to myself every day in from of the mirror.  I am also going to kick my journaling and poetry back up to at least free writing for fifteen minutes everyday.  I plan to give myself a month to show some improvement with the whole getting depressed thing. 

     I am also going to continue to give support to the survivors of violence with online support groups.  Before I got sick I was back in school and volenteering, that isn't an option right now.  So this is best replacement I have found to continue with my goals for the surrounding area.  I still hope to meat those goals.

     I also plan to get serious with RAIIN and send them my story. 

     I also need to suck it up and apply for disabilty and get the ball roling on that.  I have been putting of because I don't want it.  I would rather just be fixed and go back to work and school and volenteering.

     I also feel like a wimp right now.  I have been through much worse in my life, as have others.  I don't feel like this even begins to warrent another battle with depression, but since that is where I am at, I plan to put up a damn good fight.

     I am a pretty tough chick, I can do this, and I will learn to do it with grace, and I will survive this just like I survived the rest.

Staying Tough, Julianna Faye