While there are big, huge, massive problems in this world that I do care about, I sometimes have to bring it home and look at myself closely in the mirror once in while and allow myself to indulge in petty, shallow, egotistical problems.
I don't spend hours musing over myself in the mirror. I have never been particularly vain. I've been out more than once without any make up on and I am not afraid of running errands in my "home clothes" and flip flops with my hair up in a messy bun. Not one of those buns that is purposely messy like girls in the davidoff ads, but a real messy bun with curly bits and fuzz hanging out.
Lately, every time I catch my reflection in the mirror, I've been appalled at the old, haggard face that I see looking back. The woman in the reflection is tired, stressed and ugly. The countless grey hairs from her head sparkle when they catch light and tired facial lines leave shadows filled with memories of hurt, pain and difficult times.
I haven't worked for a year and by rights, you could call me a "lady of leisure" and so it's a little ironic that I look and feel this way. I have all the time in the world to make myself over but I just don't have the energy.
As I was getting dressed to go out on Saturday night, I changed my outfit several times. No colour will ever compliment a tired face. In this heat, it doesn't matter what you wear. Everything will magnet towards the rolls of fat around your waste and allow your deepest, darkest secrets to be exposed.
The dark circles around my eyes represent the big punch in the face that life has given me and no amount of foundation will cover up the bruises.
I've been looking through some old pictures and I miss being young, slim and beautiful. I want to feel like that again. My profile picture is a lie... between lighting, composition and colour tones, it's possible to make anything look good.
This is not a cry for attention or for compliments which I why I am disabling notes from this entry. It's merely an honest expression of my thoughts and feelings at this present time.