Day Two

Dear Lunchbuddy,

It’s day two. I dreamed about you last night. I dreamed that I got out of bed and walked around a wall and found you in bed typing on your laptop. I laughed and told you that I had been doing the same thing. I don’t remember anything after that.

I’m sleeping a little better. I have trouble falling asleep, but once I do, I sleep all right. Waking up still sucks. I used to wake up anticipating your call. Now I wake up remembering that you won’t be calling me this morning, because you’ve broken up with me and we may never be lovers again. It takes me a while to swallow that and get out of bed.

I had my interview today. I told you about that. Nothing exciting to tell. He made me do a 5 minute lesson and then said he’d definitely like to use me, but that he couldn’t give me any solid info until the end of the month. We’ll see.

I didn’t do my show, today. I told Lynn I’d been having a bad week and she said it was not a problem to just re-run last week’s show. That reminds me, I need to wash my face. I have a thick coat of make-up on. I should have washed my face a couple of hours ago. Yuck. Oh yeah! Lynn also mentioned having me do packets and preparation for a video library for the second semester of my show, as well. She said she’d talk to Paige and try to get it ok’d for some extra summer work.

Iva called me. She told me that the reason she’d blown off last week was because she’s having to work later. She asked if we could reschedule our appointments for later in the evening. Now I’m meeting her tomorrow night at 6:30. This works out really nicely, because Harneet cancelled all week. That money should balance out the loss.

I tried shopping for a pet, today. I realized that my heart is gun-shy. Instead of feeling all mushy over the cute little puppies, I felt scared and tired. The thought of letting my heart love something that I could lose made me want to go to sleep. So I didn’t buy anything.

I just kind of wander around. I start crying at random intervals. And yet, today, I don’t feel quite so hopeless… especially since you called me. Don’t misunderstand me, I miss you so much. But I guess I’m just in denial. Talking to you on the phone, today, and seeing you on EQ… it kind of made it feel like everything’s ok. When I stop to think about it, I know it’s not, so I try not to think about it too much. In my mind, I still see us together.

I guess it’s probably going to make me feel like everything’s ok as long as we continue to communicate…. but I’m not going to tell you this. I don’t want you to stop talking to me or e-mailing me, or chatting at me in an effort to make things easier for me.  I need to know you love me.

I don’t believe that you and she are good for each other. I think you know this deep inside, but you’re afraid to make a change.  I think if you had any sense, you’d leave her before your spirit goes comatose.  I’m just hoping that you’ll figure that out sooner than later. I know it’s going to be a long time before I’m ready to love someone else. I hope you figure out your end of things before my end decides to move on.

I’m begging you to talk to your parents.  You promised you would tell them everything.  Please keep that promise.

I did laundry today. I couldn’t wash my sheets. There are reminders of our last day together. I’m not ready to rinse those away.

I love you more than you can ever know,