DateATimmy VII

Every year something special happens on April 16th. Well, aside from it being Mary’s birthday. Happy birthday, Mary!

Every April 16th I get to be reminded of the fact that I’m single. And that for the past six years I’ve been single. Hell, I’m always single on April 16th.

I’m not really looking for anyone to marry. I’m not looking for a long-term relationship. Hell, I’m not even looking for sex. If anything, I’m looking for cuddles. I’m just skimming the sea see if there’s anybody I can click with. I know a lot of people read me. A lot of people lurk. Every year someone comes out of the woodwork. Without fail. I guess you could say I’m just looking for a date.

CUE THE THEME MUSIC.

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Twentieth Century Fox
Presents

The Seventh Annual

Who Wants To Date-A-Timmy Contest

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First, how it works.

How can I date this “Timmy” you speak of?

Fill out the application below and submit it to colonelquack@gmail.com

That’s it? No handjobs required?

Actually, handjobs make me a little uncomfortable.

You pervert, I was talking about the job required to write a physical letter.

….

For real, we just fill out the application? No picture requirement?

Yes, fill it out and send it to colonelquack@gmail.com

What if we want to show you our bosom? I know you love bosom.

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Haven’t you done a contest like this before? Like, six times before?

Yes. Yes, I have! This is the SEVENTH annual one.

And still no girlie? What, do you have a small dick or something.

Shhh! Not so loud!

It’s just a gag contest for fun, I established that years ago. Nonetheless, it’s a great way to see if compatible girls are just waiting for the right moment to seek me out.

I demand you date me.

You’re a rather aggressive voice-over.

I’m married/male/old/gay/Bob Dole. Is that okay?

I do not discriminate. And I especially do not discriminate against Bob Dole.

Just scroll down, copy/paste it into notepad or something, and send it to colonelquack@gmail.com

I decided to keep it down to just fifteen easy questions. Come now, don’t be shy.

OFFICIAL APPLICATION TO DATE A TIMMY

Handle/Psuedonym:
Real Name: (Indicate if you don’t want me to use it.)
Genitalia:
Age:
Relationship Status:
Relative Geographic Location:

1. Asking you what you can offer me is a bit of a mixed bag, as we can sometimes offer things we never knew. Instead, tell me what YOU need out of your partner.

2. Tell me something that annoys you.

3. Will you encourage your daughters to shave their legs? Armpits? Vulva?

4. It’s Friday night and you want to hang out with me. Describe what we’d end up doing.

5. I’m feeling sad because my penis is circumcised. What do you do/say?

6. We’re going on a roadtrip. With our kids. They need to be indoctrinated with music. What five albums would you bring?

7. Describe your ideal thanksgiving.

8. When single, how frequently do you masturbate? (Concurrently, if you’re multi-orgasmic, how many orgasms would you have per session?)

9. We’re showering together and I pee on you. (Probably your leg.) What do you do?

10. What’s your relationship with cigarettes?

11. What makes a good video game?

12. What do you put on your pizza?

13. Tell me what your favorite body parts are and describe them. (On yourself, and your partner.)

14. What’s your geekiest/nerdiest past-time?

15. What is one (or more) extraordinary reason that I, the great Timmy™, should want to date YOU, puny female?

Fact: Questions 11 – 15 were taken from last year’s Bonus #1 question, where I asked what questions should have been included in the application. I bet everybody forgot about that. (Maybe even me. Shh.)

Please submit your application to: colonelquack@gmail.com

I would like to announce a winner on May 1st, 2008. I don’t mind late applications, but please have them by April 29th, 2008. That’s an entire two weeks, folks.

Disclaimer: This contest is not affriliated with Twentieth Century Fox. There is no guarantee a “date” will occur. Penis size not guaranteed at time of date. Act now, send those applications to colonelquack@gmail.com.