Statistical Results and Happiness

So, the early poll results are in on whether or not Robin was anticipating me making a move and the majority polled have agreed with my hindsight assumption that she probably was anticipating that I would, indeed, make a move. In statistical terms, assuming female Open Diarists are comparable to Robin (and she is a girl who spends lots of time online, so you’re all of the same ilk) there’s a 75% chance she was expecting me to make a move, a 12% chance she’s angry at me for not making a move, a 10% chance she’d have been mad at me for making a move, and a 50% chance she respects me more because I didn’t make a move. This is assuming you’re all being honest with me.

Having analyzed this, it seems that, though Robin was likely expecting a move and may have well been desiring that I make one, it’s at least possible that I’m more respected now because I didn’t (this is another way of saying girls are fucking weird). As it stands, if Robin and I eventually find ourselves in a similar situation, I have decided the overall results suggest that I should make a move. Who ever said that this diary wasn’t interactive?

Meanwhile, I was thinking last night and I’ve realized that I’ve actually found a good balance in my life recently. I’m finally having enough modest social activity that I’m at least not overly antisocial anymore, I have a lot of very good close friends (Kate, Erin, Brittainy, Heather, Brittany) who, although they are all long-distance friends, provide me with a regular emotional outlet and I’m very rarely without someone I can go to if I need them. I have adequate time to devote to all these friends without feeling over-burdened, while not sacrificing my sociality for them and I still have a bit of time to enjoy a good film or book, when I’m not too busy with scholastic duties. And I have a girl that I’m somewhat pursuing and am still in the early uncertain stages of romance with, which is nice. I don’t have much to really complain of other than lack of sex and physical romance, but I’ve done without that for, well, forever, and I’m not half as horny as I used to be, so I manage pretty fine there too.

Which, granted, it’s not as though I feel an overflow of happiness surging through my veins every second of my life either. But I keep myself pretty occupied and I almost always enjoy my days and look forward to seeing what happens in the next one. Sometimes I think I’m always waiting for the lightning to strike and that somehow I’ll just be overwhelmed with joy when, say, I start being a little more social or I kiss another girl, etc. In reality it doesn’t happen that way. There’s no voice to tell you that these are the moments that are shaping your life, that this, right now, this is your hour, these are the moments that are forming who you are. Basically, it’s hitting me that this is probably as good as it gets. That this satisfaction that I have with my life now is happiness. Which isn’t to say that I shouldn’t or don’t still have goals and things that I want to achieve – I do. But sometimes I dwell on how my life might have been if my adolescence had gone differently or if I had acted differently with Heather and it really, really is beside the point. The alternative paths I might have taken with my life have no effect on what my life is now. The reality I live in now is the only one I have and the only one I’ll ever have. I have to judge it on its own merits. And, when I judge it on that, it really isn’t so bad. I enjoy it for what it is.

So, what I’m trying to say is that: In the past, I’ve thought of my life in terms of a win-lose game and have focused a lot of my energy on the opportunities I’ve missed out on due to the bad decisions I’ve made and used those missed chances as a source to foster my unhappiness. Every misstep that I’ve looked at in hindsight and thought “Oh, I think if I could do that over again, I’d act differently” I’ve looked at as a “loss” and spent unnecessary negative energy regretting that I didn’t take a different path. Now, instead of doing that, I’m trying to focus on how much I enjoy my life as it is, and I’m realizing that I really am perfectly happy as I am, regardless of whatever opportunities and alternative paths I may have passed up.

And, hey, being happy is a good thing.