bell ringer

Storm warnings on the coast with winds in excess of 65 mph – up to 90 mph (100 kph – 145 kph) and winds here in Portland look to be over 35 – 50 mph.  Gale force winds, in other words.  The lead news this morning was blown over trees wrecking cars parked on the streets.  There are none near my car – I checked – and I’m not overly worried about it. A wind advisory extends down the Willamette Valley to near Eugene.  Johnson Creek, which my friend A used to live on, is expected to reach flood stage soon – but the city, which bought out residents and cleared the old flood plain where A used to live, says that the flood plain will absorb the water expected.  Sand bag stations are set up here and there anyway.

Occupy Portland has no intention of "giving up" and intends to be part of the Tree Lighting ceremony in Pioneer Courthouse Square.  You might have heard about it last year – some Muslim kid was arrested, plotting to set off bombs at the Tree Lighting Ceremony, killing hundreds of people.  Many are saying that because Occupy Portland is going to be there, that they will stay home.  That’s how the 1% keeps its place – atomize and set ’em against each other.  Helps their case that a great many of the 99% are idiots.

***

In the winter of 2002, I was mostly recovered from the car wreck in 1998, finally, and, after I had served a month on the County Grand Jury, I knew I could work again.

I couldn’t find a job, but one day, on TV, I saw that the Salvation Army was looking for bell ringers for the holidays, and I thought "I can do that" and went to the local HQ and applied.  I was given a postion in a Fred Meyers store in Tigard, three buses away – a hour and a half and two transfers away.  I stood in a store entrance for nearly eight hours a day for a week and a half… and then they told me "we’re closing your position – it’s not taking in enough money".

"What", I thought, "don’t I look messed up enough?"  I was still recovering from "the unseen injury", Tramatic Brain Injury, but I had been proud to look "normal".  I had resisted being "Disabled" or "Handicapped" or "Special Needs" in any way – I was going to "do it myself".  I had already graduated with a BS from Portland State, on my own with no special help, and by golly, I was still in the recovery mode – "I’m going to do it myself".

After all, I thought, it was my fault I crashed the car in the first place – no one forced me to have that whisky that I drank, no one forced me to drive like an idiot, and no one but me crashed that car on that bridge.  It was all my fault, and if I ask for help, well, who’s gonna help me anyway?  It was all my own damn fault.

After losing that bell ringer’s job, that 8th floor balcony began to look very inviting – I mean, why did I survive that car wreck to go through this shit?  No job, no SSD for my injuries that prevented me from working for 4 years, and no help at all except from my ex-wife in Japan?

8 floors down – that should be enough, especially if I dove over the balcony.

***

(fast froward 8 years:  obviously I didn’t jump, but boy, that balcony called to me in a convincing voice, and there was a time when it looked like a really good idea.  I did come to see, in a story I’ll tell another time, that I would very likely live to regret it.  I know, now, because someone did jump, from the 6th floor fire escape balcony a few years ago, that the 8 floor fall would have killed me, but here I am and the balcony does not call to me anymore.)

(not in a very loud voice, anyway)

If nothing else, Blacky Cat needs me.  His life depends on me.  And, I have things to do before I go.

*****