FB redeemed

I have/had largely given up on Face Book; it seemed like a waste of my time. I don’t play ANY of the games and I don’t suppose I use it like it’s intended to be used, but it isn’t OD.

I’m sure there’s more to add to that thought, but I don’t want to waste any more time on it, just staring at the monitor and waiting for the words to come.

"FB redeemed". What do I mean by that? Although it’s kinda sort of a waste of time for me, I do look there, and tonight I found a friend request from the woman who took care of me and my "case" after the car wreck in 98. She’s a nurse, or was; we’ve been out of touch for years, but I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her, and I have felt regret at the passing of our friendship.

I won’t go into detail because none of it is flattering to me. Yes, I am ashamed of myself and enough about that.

It had been YEARS since I saw her. K* asked the last time she was here and I lied, umm, yeah, lied about why I hadn’t seen Ally Cat for so long. We met in college, and were good friends then, and she was an immense help to me and for me during my hospitalizations and Foster Home stay. She is one of my oldest – longest held – friends, or was until I fucked up.

No details; like I said, they are not flattering to ME.

I ran into her in 2011. I was still a charter bus driver, and had taken a group of Private School kids to a Nike track and field event up at the horse racing track, and, while wandering around, looking at stuff and young athletic bodies (I say I’m a Cat, but there’s dog in there too) I saw my old friend and her husband, and bravely, I thought, said hello. We talked for awhile and then met for lunch a week or two later. Shortly (it seems) after that, I lost my job as a Charter Bus driver, and felt ashamed and just hid away in my safe little apartment.

Facebook. yeah yeah, I’m getting there.

Hers is one of the phone numbers engraved on my mind – even the car wreck didn’t drive it away. I know that doesn’t convey much, but to me, it’s hugely important.

I saw her for that lunch and then never again.

Bad Cat.

I opened my Facebook page tonight and found a friend request from her husband – she uses his account. I had been thinking about her a lot, but had despaired of reconnecting – who am I?

Yeah, yeah, self-image problems, and no surprise. I’ve spent the last year vacillating between "I’m no one, worthless, and why oh why am I even here" and… well, NOT thinking that way, that I am someone and am not totally worthless, using up air other people could breathe.

It hasn’t been a good year, 2012.

Maybe 2013 will be better. I answered the friend request and there she was, right now, right there. We had a text conversation and will meet next week for lunch.

All things in their own time.

Say it with me: All things in their own time. Force it and you’ll fuck up. All things must take place in the proper time. If it’s not meant to be, it won’t happen, and if you force it, it will blow up in your face or die in your hands. It may never happen; if is not meant to, no matter how much you want it to.

Seriously, with all intention of saying so and meaning it 100%, if it wasn’t for Ally Cat, I would not be here. Not just here online, here at all.

It’s time to open that door again, and I’m not afraid.

FB has redeemed itself, for awhile.

*****