Anxiety and Appreciation *edit*
They say that rainbows are rare because, were we to see them all the time, they would lose their significance that we couldnt appreciate how beautiful they were, because they were common. I suppose thats true.
Not all days are rainbows and fairy tales maybe they are fairy tales with a wicked witch, or villain lurking around the corner to do their best to cause havoc and chaos before they are vanquished (sometimes with great difficulty, but always successfully) and the heroes can enjoy their happily ever after. Maybe thats exactly what its like. After a beautiful Tuesday, complete with a dinner with candles and champagne glasses full of soda on the table and ready for me when I got home from my meetings, and giddy phone calls where youre just TOO excited to hear someones voice, although its only been 12 hours since youve spoken, and whispered words, curling around each other in the darkness, tv on in the background and drifting to sleep. It was perfect. Yesterday, not so much. Well, thats not really true. It wasnt BAD. We didnt fight. The sky didnt open up and swallow the happy whole. Really it was just a night. Devon has been fighting the plague of anxiety for most of her adult life, and sometimes, despite what you do, it just hits. I know it had nothing to do with me (although for a time I wondered its my nature, and all) and just over-exertion, improper self-care, wedding stress, minor annoyances all factored in to an anxiety attack of sorts. What bothered me was the abject helplessness I felt as it was happening wanting to do something, anything to help her, but being unable to. I dont like feeling helpless. I know its not my job to fix it, to make everything all better. But it was the first time Ive been unable to. Its been the first time that its not been a minor anxious moment, but rather a full blown anxiety issue. And I couldnt do anything but sit there. I feel like I failed her, but I didnt. If anything, I failed my expectations for myself. So theres that. By the time we went to bed, and she nestled her head in between my chin and my chest and curled around me like a warm blanket, she was better. Talked to her mom for awhile. Relaxed. I was happy for that. Shes actually glad that it happened. She explained that when she gets anxious like that, she often develops sense memory, where she feels uncomfortable in whatever space she was in when it hit. And the fact that she feels safe and comfortable still in our house, with me, means that she considers that place home. And it still feels comforting to her. Thats a positive sign.
The phrase of the week, aside from get outa my head as weve developed a precursor to the lesbian telepathy that typically comes along later in the relationship, is that she wishes she could talk to herself from 3 months ago the version of her that thought she was so happy, and so in love and tell her that its nothing compared to how she feels now. That the feelings just keep growing, getting better and better, rather than reaching a plateau and fading or becoming tainted by the poison of every day life. My life these days, today aside, is like an elixir of some sort warm and sweet, tangible yet with blurry edges of dreams still on the horizon but approaching, like a summer afternoon shower. She says Im her best friend the best friend she could ever have, that I know her, that she trusts me, and she cant imagine it any more any other way. She means everything to me shes not my everything, because thats just a recipe for disaster, and far too much pressure to put on anyone but she does mean everything to me and she says she understands that feeling well.
I felt alright this morning .i was worried last night, not that my floor was collapsing under me, but worried as in concerned for the girl I love, who was not feeling well anxious and stressing, unable to breathe or swallow the worry carried over into sleep. I feel less rested now than I did when I went to bed in the first place. Lingering self-doubt, coming from a culture of relationships where everything that went wrong was somehow my fault, where I took blame and responsibility for things that I shouldnt have .and I couldnt help but have those feelings resurface even only very briefly in the midst of a situation I didnt have a handle on, had no control over and didnt know what to do. She told me last night that was silly .that it has nothing to do with me, that Im the only thing in her life shes not anxious about at all. Sometimes those words take longer to sink in than others. Then, upon getting to work, amid a glimpse of sunshine through a heavy cloud cover, my plans for the evening were unceremoniously cancelled. Devon and I were supposed to go to dinner with a friend of mine from work a plan I was rather excited about. In meeting on Tuesday, I was reminded that resentment is nothing more than unfulfilled expectation Im not sure where disappointment fits into that equation, but its in there. I am disappointed. And, for whatever reason, Im personalizing this, and it makes me feel like a tool to have someone cancel on me, when I was the intermediate between two facets of my life. Ive become aware recently how separate Ive kept the various compartments of my life my work friends I see at work, and occasionally outside of work, but never in conjunction with my home friends, or my group friends, or my girlfriend. Ive been like that all my life, I think, in large part so things like this dont happen. But when it does, it makes me feel undependable. When its not really me at all. But the disappointment is carrying in me, it is weighing on me and making me feel heavy. Its supposed to rain all afternoon. I guess I just started early.
But as I said in the beginning if all days were cloudless and clear, cool with no humidity, perfect .I couldnt appreciate it as much as I do. Days are filled sometimes with stormclouds, so you learn to appreciate clear skies. Sometimes its suffocatingly hot and muggy, so you can appreciate a cool summer breeze. Sometimes the rain is bitingly cruel and stinging, so you can take comfort in the soft, fat drops that caress you, that let you dance in them. It cant be perfect all the time if it was it wouldnt be so remarkable when it was. Im glad this feeling is not permanent, because I wont lie its not pleasant. But it will pass. I have faith it will. I have faith in me, even in down moments like this they are far fewer, with longer time periods between them than they ever have been. I have much to be grateful and appreciative for. And thats what Im looking forward to now. I acknowledge these feelings for what they are now its time to move on. Today, Im going to find my rainbow. The pot of gold underneath is the joy, the reward that I get to live daily I already have it. The rainbow is the important part.
*edit*
In the meantime, my entire office is on hold, everyone crowding around tvs or streaming video online to watch the sentancing of Casey Anthony, trying to get the 4 convictions of false information to a police officer down to one, so she can walk, with time served. It’s interesting – I wanted to write an entry about justice, but will settle for one of finding peace. I know it will come. Soon. I have enough faith in myself, in her and in us forthat. I have more faith than I have ever had, really. That’s what makes the difference, I think.