transcripts and telephone calls – Mirrors.
2 for 2 today seems to be a new trend. Since Ive abjectly NOT wanted to write lately, or have had nothing of seeming importance to say, Im going with this. Its better than not, and getting it out is certainly better than the alternative, at least to me. And really, thats what matters.
I often wish I could have an instant transcription of certain phone calls ones that are either sweet, or profound, or both ones that I want to hold onto and remember. The more I seem to want to remember them, the less likely I am able to do so. But this one today was needed, necessary and important. And Im pretty sure its exactly what I needed constant reassurance seeking is a bad thing, but sometimes a little validation is exactly what is needed in any given moment. The knowledge that youre not alone, that what youre feeling is valid and normal, and allow yourself the patience to work through it.
I mentioned last night and the anxiety attack in the last entry. After all that, I was quiet, but I didnt know why probably my effort to be either as unobtrusive as possible, while figuring out what I was supposed to do what I COULD do to help. The whole thing left me feeling I dont want to say sad, sad isnt really the correct way to say it, but Im not sure what is As I said earlier, part of me was afraid that it was my fault (to be fair to my own growth however, that was a very small part) and part of me was worried about my life partner, this person I loved so much this person I realized quite succinctly and suddenly that I would do anything for. And because of that realization, I believe what I was left with was feeling incompetent. I felt like I was supposed to help, supposed to be there, supposed to make it better, or take it away this was my partner, my life-smasher my stbw fuckit I cant call her what I WANT to call her and its annoying the shit out of me (pardon my temporary stream of conciousness) and I couldnt DO anything. I have to take a pause to say that Devon did not do or say anything at all to make me feel this way to the contrary, she insisted I WAS doing something, just by being there, by listening, by not running away, but to me, IN MY OWN HEAD, it wasnt enough. It wasnt good enough. But there was nothing more that I could do. The mirror reminded me, in those moments that I need to just take a step back say the serenity prayer god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference and understand my feelings but not allow them to take over. My feelings were an aspect of my codependency talking. I know that. But because of them, I was unable to sleep much or well. Woke up unrested and restless then I got to work and found out that dinner plans had been cancelled, on top of that, my paycheck was late getting deposited which stressed me out (its since been resolved) and I realized that the project Ive been working on for the past couple of weeks might have been done all wrong was not a good morning.
On top of that Ive been going through something internally for a few weeks now, sparked by the issues going on with my familial relationship to begin with, and self-forgiveness as secondary. But Ive pretty much come to the conclusion that I want to burry the past leave it where it belongs, and find a way to move on. And I felt abjectly sad about that, and couldnt understand why. The past was unhealthy. My parents, while they will always be my parents, are unhealthy for me when I spend too much time dwelling on their failure to accept me as I am. Im not going to forget the past, but by burying it, with a shovel and a tombstone, which means separating myself from some people, creating a clean space to start over, I am experiencing a sense of loss almost like Im in mourning. The mirror and I talked about this extensively. Once you make the decision or realize that youre not going to hide behind the way that things have always been, you cant justify old patterns or bad behaviors with old excuses. You have to own up and take responsibility accepting where you are in the present and moving forward. And its hard. Its extremely hard I wasnt expecting that, and didnt prepare for it, and didnt see it coming. I want to write about this process more in a more creative way maybe a story for flash Friday prompted by my own current circumstances or something. But for now, Im just trying to get it out the only way I know how. I have to fully allow myself to mourn it. To take the leap to self-forgiveness and not hide behind the past mistakes and past fuck-ups that Ive used to justify my continual life-long self-flagellation. Ive beat myself up for them long enough its time to put an end to it. Time to set boundaries not only with the people from my past who will remain on the fringes when they cant be severed completely. Its time to set boundaries with myself. Its time to put away those things. Not to say I will never again talk about my past, when and if I choose to but I am not required to give answers on it, or dwell on it, or consider it. It is my story to either tell or not. What matters now is not where Ive been, or how Ive become to be shaped into what I am. What matters now is what Ive become, and how Im making strides towards further growth. I dont know why Ive kept this internalized for the whole time Ive been considering it. Thats a lie if I kept it inside, and didnt focus on it, and didnt think about it, I could change my mind. Once I open my mouth and share it here, or verbally its something I can be held accountable for, something I cannot just fade from if the road to courage is too difficult, and my past behaviors and self-detrimental attitudes become too alluring. Once you share it, its out there, its been spewed into the ether, and you cant take it back. And trust me, there are people who will hold me accountable for it. I will hold myself accountable for it.
So take the mourning for the funeral of my past, add it to the anxiety and feelings I experienced over the stress of my closest loved one add to that the fact that someone from my past has made an impromptu appearance that Im mostly responsible for (given that I started it) but expected no reply and now Im pretty sure I didnt want one in the first place what I said was for my benefit, not theirs and the response has confused me – add to that the reason that my girlfriend is stressed the MOST is because of the wedding that Im not a part of, and any lingering resentments (probably not a resentment as much as an annoyance of complete tunnel vision on the part of someone who is oblivious to the thoughts, feelings, needs, or happiness of others) that may bring and you have a perfectly understandable feeling of sadness or offness today. Makes perfect sense, doesnt it?
Mirrors are true reflections, in reverse, of ourselves. All I know is that Im grateful, in spades, for mine.