Why?

Well it has begun again.  I bring it on to myself, I swear.  I called up Krystal tonight, only to have her let me go within 2 minutes cause she was heading out to Andrew’s place (the guy she is currently seeing).  She told me she would call me tomorrow, so I asked her what she was up to tomorrow, and she said nothing.  So I asked her if she wanted to hang out.  She told me she was staying at Andrew’s place tonight, and would proabably be up late tonight.  That hurt… alot.  I don’t know if it is just me, but I interpret that as  “I will be up fucking Andrew all night, and we won’t get much sleep because of it.”

I don’t know what to do?  Whenever were togeather it is always a blast.  I feel deep down we are meant to be.  I can’t deny my gut feelings…they have to be right.  But at the same time, I can’t sit here and get slowly hurt by her.  I know she realizes we are a great couple, so why doesn’t she come back to me?  I guess she still isn’t ready for the commitment I want… we both are on the same path in life, same interests, same morals, same everything… people tell me she is my match, or how cute we look togeather.  Why?  WHY WHY?!

Grrr… I am going to go read, I can’t sit here and dwell on this.  It only makes me feel worse, and I feel I am not thinking very rationally tonight.  I don’t know why.

Oh, I have decided, I am going to go a week of no substances… beer, pot… nothing.  I have realized that I do get fucked up far to often.  Time to counter act that.  Even though my pot consumption is at a low… that won’t be hard to not smoke for a week. but beer… lately I have been drinking I say 10 pints a week?  That’s alot.  Time to reverse this situation before it becomes a serious problem.  I will feel better too.

Music of the Moment:  Silence
Today I Feel:  Low