how beautiful you are;

•  I am aching for a man who was never mine, and therefore, can never come back to me.
• I finally received a check for 60 hours’ worth of work. Once the government and the training fees finished butchering it, I came back with enough to fix my car and perhaps give my room mate gas money for running with me down a blind alley today. Just. Every other creditor will have to wait. 
• I spent the entire day on the Internet halfheartedly applying for lackluster, low-paying office jobs in-between stalking the man I love on Facebook and drooling over expensive clothes on Polyvore and Pinterest.
• I got a ride from some of the members of my congregation who saw me walking. The lady driving handed me a bag of dresses her daughter can’t wear anymore. All of the sizes were at least 16+, and I fit most of them. I looked in the mirror today and saw my gut spilling over my underwear and my breasts sagging and flopping around and the cellulite on my legs and wanted to weep. I’ve been eating pretty healthy and walking further and further distances– at least five miles a day– but nothing seems to be working.
• I slept for 12 hours today and still woke up feeling tired. 

I just want this nightmare to be over. Until it is, I’m listening to sad, emotive 80s music (The Cure + The Smiths) and lying in bed until my room mate drags me out of it tomorrow.