Voodoo Death

I sense a familiar thing coming upon me. Detachment from the world. Detachment from myself. Slow atrophy of things I have worked so hard to build up. The warmth and freedom of the summer brought me so much optimism and peace I never expected. I grew as a human being and became healthier in so many ways. I was excited to learn and be around people. Now that the weather is changing I feel an old conditioned response creep back into my body. I become a little girl again. Staying in her warm bed, her bubble instead of interacting with the world. Commanding a private universe from a pile of pillows and books. I’m not sick, I’m not tired. I’m becoming depressed again. I know this. But what to do about it? Step one, where did it come from? Why the change? It came from feelings of isolation and inadequacy at my internship. It came from small whispers of worthlessness because now, five months later, I’m lonely again. Being single was only fun for about that long. And now it hurts. Dull, throbbing pain with occasional jagged rips of sadness that tear through me when I least expect them. It came from not being able to do the things I love. In the summer, I traveled. I read books again, real, non clinical books. I drank and ate new foods, worked on art projects, took care of myself, made real meals, laughed, ran free. Now by definition of my role as a student, I can’t do those things to the same degree without hating myself for not being focused on school. I am trying to calm the child in me who just wants to play. I’m trying to tell her we’ll have time, but I’m never too sure of that. Life is so fleeting. If there were only few thoughts and movements left, I wouldn’t waste them on papers and text books. My heart and brain are barely connected anymore. I don’t know if they ever were. I hate the winter here. I can’t stop thinking about how it will be winter soon enough. How all my insecurities seep out when it’s cold. I start remembering all the things I forgot to do. Like integrate my life. I wanted to bring my friends into this world, let them know my thoughts. But already I’ve lost trust in most of them to contain what I put out there. I feel like I failed. I remember I still don’t have my money from that bitch. Failed. Realize I was never close to my parents and I likely never will be. heartbreaking awful things that are more vivid now than three months ago. The loneliness is all encompassing. It seeps into relationships, the fact that few people really know me. It seeps into not doing things anymore that even make me feel like I am with me. I can’t cry on my own anymore. I have to watch Grey’s Anatomy to even attempt to cry. Because I can’t be an adult charge of my life and a little girl crying over things she never had. I can’t reconcile these two people but the tension of being both is unbearable. I feel like I’m losing control of a lot of things all at once. And I’m getting further from myself every day. There is death in isolation and I’m watching my progress wither every day.