I want to do right by you.

Of course it seems easy.
I can completely understand how it would come off that way.
When you’re at the bottom everyone is always trying to look at the positive.

Such as ‘well, you hit rock bottom. Now there’s only up!’ which I’m 
pretty sure that’s how the majority of people think of it. It’s how I think of it most of the time.
Then there’s other times… when you’re not quite sure. 
Where you contemplate things like,
"Sure, the only other possible low besides where I’m currently at is death.
How long do you stay here? Sure there’s only up but maybe feeling nothing is better
than feeling this." or things of the sort.

Now now.
I’m not thinking of killing myself. I’m merely contemplating that, well
maybe being dead would be better. Although, I think complex emotions are… well, something we evolved into?
For lack of better description. 

Like, in countries which have most of the vital things taken care of and what not.
I’ll never not have a roof over my head, food, water, or clothing. So
it leaves your brain to wander other places and to think and feel more complexly. 
I mean, there’s probably absolutely no scientific bearing to that, but to me it makes sense.

So, since I’m healthy and not really worried about food or keeping myself safe,
I can be depressed.
I wish that I could think on a basic level.
Like not worry about things that I should be worried about.
Not get upset over things I cannot change on my own.
Blah blah blah.

I don’t know, it just feels like I’m so alone.
Right?
completely and totally alone.
That’s pretty much my issue about everything.
Uncaring father, unhinged mother.
Brother who wouldn’t give me the time of day.
That’s my FAMILY, alright?
Friends? WAT R THOSE?.
Completely and totally true. I may seem (or I feel a little bit) like a drama queen.

but it’s true.
I’m just alone.
I don’t have a family who even likes me, let alone loves me.
Why would a stranger want anything to do with me, you know?
I don’t expect anyone to like me, I highly doubt anyone would ever love me.
Which everyone will tell me is my fault because ‘How do you expect anyone to like you when you don’t even like yourself?’ bullshit that everyone seems to believe.
I’ll tell you that it’s taken a lot of everyone hating me for me to finally give up on me and hate myself.
For a while it was all I had, you know? like
No one loves me so I’ll love myself extra because,
well. I need to make up for the not being loved right?

It’s not like I was ever cocky or annoying either.
It was kind of like 
"Oh, you got smacked around this morning because your brother spilled the coffee and blamed you.
It’s okay, really it is because accidents happen. One of these days you’ll be out of here"

Except, when my ‘you’ll be out of here’ finally came. I realised that, life without a support system is completely
awful. Like.
The world past primary school, the world of jobs and family-forming… is
horrible. I mean, sure working sucks for everyone but the whole 
I’m completely alone no matter what I do
how long I do it.
where, when, why I do it. it’s depressing. 
I don’t need to work hard at work. No one will give a shit if I’m fired.
Why do I need to work well? No one will give a shit if I get promoted.

I guess when I was all high on myself I could get away with it…
but that is no longer the case.

I don’t even know why I don’t use this more often.
Most of the time I’m just drifting through life without even knowing what or why I’m doing what I do.
I suppose this could help clear my head.

All of my jumbled feelings and thoughts.
It’s completely awful, isn’t it?