From my journal

12/05

Where has my faith gone? More and more, I find myself both doubting and living for self. Even now, I think of self, of how I might benefit. Only that which is easy do I ever pursue. Where is my passion? My love? I can say I have a worry or a care, but action speaks differently. Despite what I may intend, if I act not in the best interest of those I love, do I really love them at all? Certainly not more than I love myself. But even then, can I even say that I love myself? Perhaps rather, I am instead some empty mass, a parasite.

I take, never to return. I am nothing short of a murderer, stealing life, dashing dreams. I am obsessed with flah, pessimistic to the core. In miserable self pity, there is little room for thanks giving.

Lost in a dream within another, my compass spins in circles. My bearings have long since left me.

Why do I test God so? My "faith" in Him is always dependent on what He can give Me.

I never worship God. Rather, I beg Him for my heart’s desire. This desire SHOULD be Him, but I find that it’s not. I find my heard to be at war. A war with "self," wherein flesh and spirit battle and the prior so often wins. I find my mind plaing mediator, deciding the best course. But, the flesh is really the one in control. It’s crafty and sly, it knows what it wants. What it wants it cannot have, and so the battle rages on.

And so, I find myself, weak and unsettled. The more I attempt to run, to leave this flesh behind, the more I find it still there with me.

09/06 (These are from before Jenn was sure she wanted to make things exclusive)

Unfulfilled, bittersweet, what to do, how to feel. Good enough? Strong enough? Is who I am enough? What is wrong? Why so weak? Baby? Freak? Should I change who I am, to fit the mold expected? Alone, despaired, no one gets me, few care. Disillusioned with an illusion. In search of what may never be, but is hoped for to the core.

Love unfound, heart bleeding from unmet need. Romance, commitment wanted, unfound. How can one find what is never there? Seeker’s quarry escapes again, what for a time seemed certain.

Pain cries out, the unmet need singes the flesh. The void, emptiness, lacking fills this place with an excess of romance ungiven.

Why can’t love be found, a love without compare and matched, without question?

I feel like I’ll never find her, the girl of my dreams who considers me the guy of hers. Does such a girl exist? Am I destined to be forever single? Does true love exist? And if it doesn’t, does someone exist who will take me? And keep me? And be willing to sacrifice to make things work? Perhaps I’ll give up on looking, for now at least. The pain of rejection and the search is tiring and disheartening.