Fingertips

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I’m not used to seeing you

I’m alive, I’m alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
(All Around Me- Flyleaf)
 

This has been the single most worst trip back home that I’ve ever had. Anything that can go wrong did. Murphy’s Law? I think the worst part of this "law" I married into is that I came up here for ME. This trip was supposed to be all about Sarah, a great vacation, a MEcation. I wanted to go out every night and have a little too much fun. Instead, I just wanted to be home.

I got here Saturday. We arrived early, everything was going great, I was ready to have a fun week. Then, Sunday morning Cage woke up sick. He had a 103.7 fever. I went back and forth in my mind about whether to take him to the ER or just go get some Tylenol. I decided on the ER. They did some tests, and sent him home with Tylenol/Motrin. His temp came down with no problem. But he continued to be sick all week. Some days he threw up, others he just slept and ran a fever.

Him being sick really didn’t affect me going out and doing things, because he mostly slept and my mom was here with him. She spoils him to death, and it’s made him mean. Just because a child is sick doesn’t mean he’s allowed to eat/drink whatever he wants whenever he wants, demand you do things for him, and throw a fit when you make him get up and do something for himself.  Yes, I know he’s 3. But the real world is that you still have to go to work, go to school, and take care of your basic needs when you are sick. It sucks, but it’s the way it is. My son coming up and punching me because I tell him he can’t have soda is unreal. The flu doesn’t negate time-outs, but my family thinks it should.

I am happy that he is getting SO much better at using "feelings" words. I had his speech therapist start working on this with him over the past few weeks, even though it’s not necessarily "age appropriate." Cage really has a grasp of it. He tells me when he feels scared. And when we got into it over the soda, He kept pointing at his cup of juice saying "That makes me mad." When he can tell me what he’s feeling, I am able to respond to him so much better. He’s a different kind of kid… very challenging at times.

I did get to go shopping with Mello a few times. I always try to go to the stores that we don’t have down at FTC. I went to Torrid, but I don’t think I bought anything. I went to Lane Bryant and got some sexy bras and undies. I think we have a Lane Bryant in Nashville. I went to Ikea. And Sephora/JCP. I have a gift card that I still haven’t used. I’m such a makeup whore. But I don’t know what I want to buy with my gift card.

I feel like I was looking forward to this trip for a long time. Just to do some thing I’ve really wanted to do for a long time. To have time to be an adult woman without any worries about other things. An escape. It didn’t turn out that way at all. It was kind of disappointing. More than disappointing… overall depressing, confusing, exasperating, puzzling, vexing. These feelings probably won’t go away for a long time, until I can figure things out in my head. I guess maybe I’m the type that will go full steam ahead and then think about it later.

Hey, I was talking to my friend Kip the other day and he said he was frustrated that most people don’t understand that not everyone is exactly like them. This is an interesting thing to think about and has been on my mind often since. When Kip is upset, it is rarely directed at me so I was seeing it from a completely objective point of view. He was talking about how people expect him to be a typical guy, and he’s not. I think I am guilty of this at times… just brushing off people’s feelings because they are a "man" and they have no "feelings." I think my husband has been yelling this same message at me for 5 years but who’s going to hear anything with all the yelling. Now that I’ve heard it elsewhere, I think I can apply it. The conversation generally taught me not to take things personal… not everyone is going to act like me, be like me, etc. Just to be true to my feelings and accept others. It was a good time to have this perspective. Oh, by the way, Kip is back on OD. His diary is here: Darkwolf_1st  He is a cool guy

I hate that I didn’t head home today. I was supposed to but my sister complained that she hasnt seen my kids because they are sick. Cage has been crying to see Tora for days. So I had to realize that staying one more day would benefit more people. I just want to be with Gary. Then he has to tell me that the Butterfly Fest, Pickin on the Porch, and the fights are today. Sigh!! I want to be there. We could have been having a great Saturday.

I re-did my Day Zero Project this morning. Check it out… Pinkcess Day Zero Project You should make one too!!

Day 4 – Do you read? What are your favorite books?
Yes, I read often. Especially when I’m on a break from classes. I’ve been reading a few trilogies lately: Twilight, The Hunger Games, and The Strain. I really like Michael Chrichton. I am open to reading pretty much anything though. If you have suggestions, feel free to leave them
 

My Day Zero List