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Day 5 – Five places you want to visit and why

New Orleans – My husband and I got married in New Orleans. It has this crazy energy. I feel like I could never get tired of it. It’s kind of like going to the mountains and feeling nature. Only going to New Orleans is like going somewhere to feel people. The darker, seedier, greedier side of complex people both dead and alive.

Beach – I don’t really care where. Cancun, Hawaii… just somewhere far, fun, and beautiful. Where I can sunbathe and sip a drink and enjoy a cabana boy named Marcos.

Disney World – I would love to see my kids faces at Disney World! They would love it!

Africa – I have no clue where or what I would want to do here. Preferably not get raped, pillaged, or attacked by a wild animal. Or put on a spit roast for hungry people to devour. I clearly would need a tour guide for this. I would want to see friendly Africans and African culture. And shop a lot in little markets.

Space – I think I would love the whole experience of going into Space. It would be meaningful for me, but it would also be fun and exciting.

The list is really endless. There are so many places I would love to go. Brazil, Cuba, Mexico, Dominican, Alaska, Italy, the East Coast, Seattle, Bermuda, Bahamas, etc etc etc. I have less interest in going to places like Canada, England, Australia. I think white people are boring. I want to see beauty and difference from myself. I want to experience another culture. I also am not a fan of Asia. I don’t know why, it’s just not my cup of tea.

I got home yesterday. I flew home in my little car, left Hammond, Indiana in my dust and blew it a kiss in my rear view mirror. I love my family to death and wish I lived closer to them, but I do not miss that little Shit Town for anything. There’s nothing there for someone like me. I need normal people, friendly outgoing people, and lots of family things to do. Chicago is not that. Now that I’ve moved out of there and got comfortable in the south, I just can’t see myself being there anymore. My family settled there when it was the place to go for good work. It hasn’t been that in 40 years. Time to leave.

I got home relatively early enough. We went to dinner and got the kids in bed. Then I took a very long hot shower. With my husband. My hands roaming over him couldn’t stop, his hands on me. He washed me. He filled me so completely. His cock is amazing, sometimes I have this really horrible thought creep in my mind that no wonder he liked to show off his cock and fuck so many other women, if I had that I’d be showing it off too. He gave me everything I could have wanted, held back so I could just feel every inch in me slowly. I just melted back into our big plush king size bed, with his king size cock filling me to the brim and sighed the biggest sigh. It was a long ass week.

I saw my therapist today. He’s an idiot. I have a feeling I’m going to have to switch but I’m keeping my mind open for now. The part that annoyed me today with him is that he tried to get all pathological on me, a typical psychologist. He tried to tell me that I cheat because I have low self esteem. Uhm… no. If I had low self esteem I wouldn’t be able to jump on a bed naked, spread my legs, and tell a guy he talks too fucking much and needs to find something better to do with his mouth than bore me to tears with his bullshit game. I cheat because I’m pissed off or not getting a second look from my husband or horny. And that’s just… old news. I don’t want to dissect it, it is what it is.

Then I tried to tell him how I feel that no one wants to have anything to do with me. That I continuously feel that people don’t want to see me. Like.. my hairdresser. I think that she doesn’t want to do my hair because its too thin, difficult, damaged, etc. Or my dentist. I think he doesn’t want me as a patient because my teeth are crooked. Its all crazy shit. He says its because I have low self esteem… and I’m like… really? I think it’s because my husband spent 5 years lying to my face about wanting to be with me and now I think everyone is lying about how they think of me. Paranoia, absolutely. Low self esteem, I don’t know about that.

I’m pretty confident in who I am and am generally pretty assertive. Even when I’m confident that who I am is a loser who contributes nothing to society. It’s not that I can’t see I’m a straight A student, a good mother, and a decent wife. I see it. I just want to be better at all of it. I’m not spending the next 12 sessions talking about low self esteem that I don’t have. I wish he was more versed in addiction and co-addiction.

Anyway. Next week is another week. And I get the results of that ridiculous 344 question thing.

I’ve started making my Christmas list… so far it includes the iPhone 5, Patron, a new piercing, and a new tattoo. For the piercing I want to get something different. Maybe my lip or nose. Most likely a dermal of some sort. Something visable this time. I always get things that have a purpose and are hidden.. my tongue, nipples, hood… I want something cutesy now. The tattoo.. I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I want it to be a yin yang but I want a darker version of it. My husband started sketching something, and I love the idea but I’m not sure I like flowers enough to have them tattooed on my body.

My husband is gone all week in the field. Sleeping alone again for another week. I know it’s just the way that it is when your spouse is in the military but I really need to be curled up to a warm body. Hopefully this week goes by fast.

My Day Zero List