Crossroads

This week hasn’t been the greatest by far.

Saturday was my birthday and to make a long story short, Nathaniel had to back out of our dinner plans because he couldn’t get off of work. He offered to take me out after work, but I figured it would be too late. He offered to take me on a picnic before he had to go to work but I didn’t want to because I knew that he would have to be at Mike’s at noon. Yes, he went to his friend’s house and shot clay pigeons with the shot gun on my birthday. But don’t worry, I was invited. So on my birthday I shot a 12 gauge at a sorry piece of clay and watched a poor innocent bird get murdered by a stupid boy just because he thought it was funny. I think I have every right to be pissed.

So the discussion regarding my birthday and lack of sentiment from my boyfriend of almost 4 years brought on a heavy conversation last night. He told me that if he had known how upset I was going to get, he would have called Mike and cancelled altogether. I think most of it was in my head, the fact that it was my birthday and I felt like he did little to try to do something special for me. And in his defense he did try, I was pissed and wanted things my way. But I think that I should be allowed to have it my way ONE DAY A YEAR! So we had a pretty long discussion. He’s battling things out at school and I know that this semester has really sucked for him. He says that he’s trying everything he can to be with me but it never seems like it’s enough; I’m still not happy. Basically I really need to think about what I want…from him, in our relationship, from life in general…you name it; I need to make a decision. I guess I need to either open my eyes and realize all that he is doing for me or move on. At least I think that’s what this has come to. It’s just frustrating not knowing what to do…plus the fact that I love him so much is not helping. I really do think that he is trying and maybe the solution to this whole thing is I need to be less selfish and quit taking the time that we have together for granted. Or maybe I’m totally right and he just needs to decide that I’m important enough for him and start showing it. Who knows…

Aside from relationship problems everything else is perfect. I have a new job lined up for next fall: I’m going to be the web master for the campus radio station. I’ll be on the payroll and even though it’s not that great of pay and the hours are low, it’ll be a great opportunity for me to learn a new trade (I know very little about web design) plus my advisor is my boss so he’ll be able to write me recommendation letters. Not to mention the title “Web Master” will look good on my resume.

I also applied for an internship at the college over the summer. Since I’m taking a summer class I thought it would easy if I had a job on campus. Once again the pay isn’t great but it’s an excellent leadership opportunity and I can work around my school schedule. And yes this too will look nice on a resume. I guess you can say that I’ve taken some time to define my career goals and I’ve realized that I can’t get a decent internship when the only jobs on my resume are “Lifeguard” and “Waitress.” I’ve also learned that money can’t be everything when you hate your job and you’re not moving towards any career goals… I might still be in school but that’s no excuse for not starting on your career early…

I should go to bed. This entry is long considering that I hadn’t really planned on writing much…I have a semi-early class tomorrow…sleep would be nice.