Breaking The Cliche

Something has changed in the last few days, and for no apparent reason.

The last year and half, I have felt like …well, like nothing. Kind of numb and dissociative. I had lost interest in a lot of things that I loved – school, books, writing, etc. This mood coincided with the break up of my last relationship but I don’t think I can credit that completely, as I ended it. I think it was a combination of that and my general refusal to deal with who and what I am.

The last two months were particularly stupid and awful. I let my disability get in the way. I started using it as an excuse for not doing things, not studying – life was too hard. It still is hard. Always will be, but I had had enough of the added difficulty of dealing with the need for a wheelchair, the need of people whom were strangers to me to do the utmost of personal things, like showering, dealing with a need for medication to keep my body from going haywire. I was tired of scouting out the accessibility of buildings to see if I could get into them. I was tired of all of it. Mostly, though, I was tired of the self-pity that I seemed to condone and have no control over. I was tired of the cliche.

Over the months I tried many things to break the cycle. I saw a therapist of sorts, and while she helped me with things unrelated to why I was there, she, or the therapy, seemed to make my feelings about my disability only worse. I always used the "things could be worse" meme to pull myself up if I felt like I was giving up. And it worked, mostly. When I told her that, she said something about how that was an excuse in itself to not deal with my issues. Once she said that, I let go. Things can’t get worse, they are really really bad and I’m a loser, I thought.

Then Sunday night happened. The worst night I have ever had since the accident ten years ago. The nights the two weeks before was leading up to it, I could feel it. Sunday night, I broke completely. Negative thoughts and feelings poured out of every brain cell I had. My body seemed to ache more and more as the minutes ticked by. I had never felt like this, and frankly, it scared the fuck out of me. I didn’t really know how it was going to end, but by the time I calmed down in the early hours of morning, I knew one thing for sure. The only thing I was tired of then was allowing myself to feel like this. I asked my self over and over again "how do I change this, how do I get out of this?" Then it dawned on me.

I had complicated this matter so much that I barely recognized what I was trying to do in the first place. The therapist, the happy pills, forcing my self to try something new – all the things I tried to use to pull myself out of this – failed miserably. And it didn’t work because at first I didn’t want it to. If you are in a rut, you can try to do a million things, but if you want to stay put, none of that stuff will work. It is really simple..you make the choice, you take the first step. If you want things to change, it starts with you. I don’t know why or how but I lost sight of this over the last few months. Completely, actually.

Once I brought this back into focus, sometime Sunday…I woke up on Monday feeling different. Since then I’ve read more, written more, learned more, and done more than I have since sometime in the summer. I am under no illusions, just because I’ve realized something obvious, doesn’t mean it fixes everything. I am still tired of everything I listed above, and I’m sure that that frustration will be there for as long as I am breathing. From miserable to happy is see-saw battle for everyone, I can only hope that my ability to make the positive choice between living and giving up becomes second nature.

Rise Against / The Dirt Whispered

Gone

November 19, 2008

*sigh* oh Rise Against. i’m loving their latest album. at least you were smart enough to realize the obvious.

Trimaran

hang in there kiddo. I’m sorry things have been tough lately.. but I hope this new feeling is a sign of good things to come, eh? ryn: thanks for the encouragement. 🙂 always appreciated!

rynx2: yeah, sure, but when you are an ultra privileged, ultra talented young man, sometimes it serves you well to keep your mouth shut and appreciate the talents of others. also… excessive self-deprecation is not attractive. you know?

the first step is to admit you have a problem? At least you KNOW what is making you feel the way you do. That is great! Only then can you over come it. Nothing will ever be as it was, but all we can do in this life is make the best of what we got. I’m glad you are feeling better. chin up! *big hugs*!

The Last Mohican

beautiful, man. beautiful. keep it going.

** Dove **

Sometimes life does seem unfair, but when we know we do have choices then we can at least try to overcome. I have realized we have to have the WANT…. And not until we do can we do what is really need for us. My WANT is there, but still not strong enough to overcome yet. And I know it is no ones fault but mine :/ One day…… I’ll make it!!! Hugs and Love ya! Sorry we have not talked in a while, but I have been kinda busy with things here at home and with Jerica. Also Steven, he is okay, but needs a job bad and his Mom is trying to get him back here in OK. His Dad is not a good influence on him. Well ttyl and take care.

LilyCat

November 20, 2008

Funks like that are horrible, and you are right, all the feel-good crap doesn’t work if you don’t want to leave that rut. Michael had a Hell of a time pulling out of it from that last operation he had in April. He nearly died, now has a colostomy bag that he has to depend on other people to empty and change, and it was devastating to him. He finally made it up and out, though. Hang in.

sourapple

November 21, 2008

I don’t regret the tattoo itself, but I regret the circumstances under which it was created. I walked out with something MUCH bigger than I wanted and it wasn’t the artsy, beautiful writing I had in mind. If I had the money, I’d get that f*cker lasered off and get it redone the way I *wanted* it. Did you ever come up with something for your brother’s tattoo?

.harmony.in.discord.

I am glad you’ve had what seems to be quite the breakthrough… I wish I got to talk to you more. I’m loving the Rise Against. *big hugs*

Tak

November 22, 2008

Not for the same reasons or anything but I can relate to being at that point where you’re so miserable you hurt. Positive choices and mindsets take a lot of work but you can do it! Cliche in itself, but I like affirmations – sometimes I say them to myself a thousand times a day just to get through to tomorrow. Good luck!

AprilSays

“I’m sure that that frustration will be there for as long as I am breathing.” I think.. that line.. sums it up while thinking of what it must be like. *sigh* I cannot imagine.. I think you knew this but I was hired to help a girl with Cerebral Palsy for a year and.. wow .. what an eye opener for me.. it certainly led me .. appreciate what I have but also.. appreciate the view of life she has..I saw her recently and I loved hanging out with her for the small amount of time that I did. *hugs* well.. i’m very fond of you 🙂 I think you’re spectacular and I look forward to your entries.. I’m surprised its been so long since I’ve stopped by.. You must’ve celebrated when Obama won, huh? 🙂 as for your note.. I think the most we CAN ask to get from a book.. a good one anyway.. is for more questions. I do not feel they are.. answers.. not really.. nothing you can really pin down.. maybe to very few things, maybe not at all.. i’m not sure yet. And no, he wasn’t referencing the study “classics”..after i replied to him, he replied with “oh well that makes sense. We usually classify something as a classic when its over 100 years old.” *shrug*