Caution and Excitement

Well, it finally happened…

Recently, my sister asked my mom if she wanted to join her for breakfast with an old friend of hers.  My mom and I were together and she asked me if I wanted to go.  I thought about it for a moment, and the idea started to excite me the more I thought about it.

I remember when we were teenagers, this girl liked me, and I kind of liked her too.  We got in contact through my sister and exchanged numbers.  Yesterday, she described an intense crush I don’t think I ever realized was there.  I was into any number of bad habits even that young and I probably never considered her as a romantic option because she was too nice.  It’s not that I didn’t like that she was nice, I just thought she would be less interested if she knew the kind of stuff I was into.  It’s all just speculation anyway, I can barely remember last week let alone my thoughts and feelings about a girl I knew over 20 years ago.

Except, there is something I remember.  I moved away from home to live with some relatives when I was 19.  My family came to visit at one point and my sister brought her friend, lets call her June.  June and I had a romantic experience while she was there.  I’m pretty sure I was stoned and it was a short encounter, but I always had pleasant thoughts about it, and her.  In fact, she is the reason I am mostly attracted to a certain body type.

I probably remember that experience more fondly than any romantic experience I’ve ever had.  Maybe that explains the reaction I had yesterday.

As she was describing the crush she once had on me, my whole body reacted in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before.  My chest swelled, there was an excitement inside me I can’t describe, and my hormones lost their sh*t.  Pardon the language, but it’s an apt description.

What is wrong with me?  A girl (woman now obviously), tells me how she used to feel about me 20 plus years ago and suddenly I’m on cloud 9?

Today I’m filled with a mixture of excitement, concern and reluctant hope.  I have kind of been praying for this recently, and I’m not sure if it’s an answer, or a warning to be patient.  If she belonged to the same church as myself, I would immediately say this is an answer to my prayer and I’m going to pursue it with no apprehensions.

My church.  My religious beliefs are somewhat unique.  I am a Christian, but my religious affiliation has a lot of beliefs that are not held by the Christian community as a whole.  I support my church, and I support those who lead it.  Will she even be interested when she discovers all the minute details?  My ultimate goal is marriage within my church, and to do that, there are a few guidelines we would both have to follow.

We can get married outside of that particular covenant, but I don’t think that’s the kind of life I want.

This is all over thinking and speculation right now anyway.  We have barely started talking.  My biggest concern?  Sex.  I know some of the consequences of having sex outside of marriage and I have made a commitment not to do it.  I think what makes this harder is that we already have, sure it was over 20 years ago, but as soon as we started talking about dating it felt like those feelings came back full force.

This feeling I have right now, apprehension, but also excitement that a woman can still make me feel this way.  Excitement that a woman can still feel this way about me.  If nothing else, it has given me hope.  I was starting to wonder if these kind of feelings were something you just grew out of, or lost.

She lives 6 hours away, so that helps put a little distance where hormones might otherwise take over.  I’m going to plan a trip and take her out on a date.  Caution and excitement….