Grief Circle
Annabelle’s Due Date Today – Instead, 28 weeks without her.
Today. Today hits like a freight train. So did yesterday. The day before it. The two weeks before those. I knew it would hurt. I knew my soul would feel mind-crushing pain. Yet, I didn't know that mind-crushing pain would be so freaking deep. So hard. With the date we assumed we'd have to in...
2.17.24
How is it that someone who didn't yet exist is the most devastating force in one's life? He forced you into me, then forced you out. If things hadn't ended so violently, where would we be? I, indeed, would have left him, aware that I couldn't battle his demons while protecting you. We'd be rentin...
If I stay busy I won’t be sad, right?
It's been awhile since I've taken the time to sit down and process my thoughts and feelings through my diary, but my therapist recommended I take some time to do that as I approach the anniversary of losing Sam so here I am... 1/31/24 will mark 3 years of life without my son. I spend…
11w6d – No heartbeat. Miscarriage beginning.
She’s gone. Just like that. I’ve spent countless weeks worried I’d lose her. Convincing myself with each week that went by we were getting safer. Begging my paranoia to let me enjoy my pregnancy and my sweet girl. I was so excited to hit 12 weeks Wednesday. To accomplish that milestone. To know w...
The paths we used to walk
I am crying uncontrollably. Sitting outside, on a park bench. On a bench, we used to sat, in a park, where we used to walk, in a city where we used to live, in a country we decided to move together in 2016. Passing by a house we used to live in. A house where…
Who doesn’t like Friday
Hmm, I like Fridays. But I usually have my 1-2-1 with my boss and sometimes I dread it. But I do like my boss, which is rare, so, not so bad, it is just work that is not progressing as fast as I want so it makes me feel incompetent. And today, so much for…
Just a Thursday
From the idea of writing every day, I already skipped 2 days. But ok, there was a reason so, not the end of the world. Maybe even better cause not sure if I would have something to write. Today, I want to continue investigating the "bad" habits and maybe "a solution" how to break them.…
lovers lost
Does it ever get easier? Does the heartache ever stop? Do the memories of them fade? She and I met at 22 and 20, respectively. We dated for 4 years and we’re engaged for 1.5 years before my future came crashing down. We called off our engagement and split. The relationship wasn’t perfect, but she...
Every time I get excited about something, it gets taken away.
I’ve been wondering why every time I get excited over something, it gets taken away. Like last weekend, I manifested to get new clients last week and to finally get my first bridal client. A day after I tried to manifest it, a friend called to set an appointment with me for his friend who…
Ain’t my problem.
He ain't my problem now. After months of reflecting and going back and forth about how I truly feel about my ex, I have come to a conclusion, although not as solid yet as I would want it to be, that he is someone else's problem now. After watching countless videos on attachment styles, mental&hel...