Its quiet in here, except for the dishwasher. Reign’s at daycare/virtual school and Justin’s at work. I really miss my kiddo lately but I’m also glad for the quiet. I’ve been working late hours at work, and then Sunday was my day off but I spent it with Mom and Nanny. Reign was in bed asleep by the time I got back. We went out on a girls date to one of the biggest malls in our area. It was about an hour drive but that’s only because I was driving and Waze had to reroute me twice. Maybe three times! Hah. Even without the reroutes its a good 45m drive.
Totally worth it. I mean, I would rather spend the evening with my kid, but I got the rest of my Christmas shopping done so I feel better about that. With the exception of Justin’s sister but that’s his responsibility. Who am I kidding? It’ll end up being mine. But yeah, we shopped till we dropped. Well, I about dropped because I was trying to be the good daughter/granddaughter and decided to carry my bags plus the heavy bags for Nanny… for 5hrs. Why my mother didn’t volunteer is beyond me… Well it’s not. She’s a selfish human, but it’s just who she is. Always was, and always will be. She does a lot of work with her church and local organizations for the homeless, but she does it because it makes HER feel good about herself. She’s the definition of a Sunday Christian. She’d never put her life or her comfort on the line to try and help someone else. I better stop before the ramble comes. Point is, she got on my nerves, but as an adult I’ve grown to accept her. Actually, I may ramble on about this a little later.
Anyway, Thanksgiving is in two more days! Or three, depending on how you count your calendar. Its the day after tomorrow. In ways I’m looking forward to it but the closer we get the more my anxiety builds… not for the cooking because I’ve prepped my life ahead of time, but for everything else. I feel like I’m running out of time! This is my first Black Friday with my company and I just want to do well. I don’t have to be the best this time- I just don’t want to be the worst.
You know, I realized last night it never even occurred to me to look at see how much money my business is projected to make that day. I’ve been thinking about a million other things, but I never even thought to look. That needs to be the first thing I do today when I get to work. It doesn’t change anything- just soothes my curiosity. And, generally speaking it’ll be based on the number we hit last year so it’ll give me an idea of what to expect.
Yesterday we had a promotional change that should have been quick and easy- something that should have been done before the store even opened, but when I got there at 12:30 Barb was working on online orders instead and told me she was confused. I could tell she was frazzled. So I advised her to do one thing at a time to prevent confusion and make sure she gets everything done. Our promotional changes can be a lot if you aren’t used to them, but they come in a bulleted list like a check sheet, listing that these items will go to this price. These items will go to that price. This will do this. This will do that. So I told Barb that when I do the changes, I just do one bullet at a time so I don’t go crazy. She advised me that she believed that she was already indeed going crazy. Ah lady, we all are. Its a thing. Embrace it.
Saturday Carol chewed me out because I’ve been scheduling her to work Saturdays. I was under the impression that it was okay, and she’s never came to me with any concerns before. She wouldn’t let me speak, but came at me in front of my customers weaving and bobbing her 70yr old snarky head back and forth like a NYC pigeon. Don’t you think I deserve a Saturday off? Don’t you think I deserve an entire weekend off? She just kept going and going and going. Every time I opened my mouth to address a question, she’d cut me off immediately so I had to stop her. I said Carol, stop talking and let me speak. There went her bobble head back and forth again. Oh ho! Uh huh! Really!- she says. Yeah. STFU. I didn’t say the STFU part.
I really wanted to be nice, but it was super inappropriate and disrespectful. The fact that she was putting on this scene in front of my customers, and then had the audacity to talk to me in that way and cut me off every time I tried to speak… That, and she had some kind of conversation with Barb about it beforehand which made Barb feel awkward. It made Barb feel like she was put in the middle, so she just clammed up and went silent the rest of her shift. I felt bad and embarrassed for myself, but also for Barb because Carol shouldn’t have put Barb in that position. Barb told me that Carol has done this to every single manager they’ve had and she’s part of the reason why the last manager quit. Evidently everyone has allowed Carol to be condescending and treat them this way. But I am most definitely NOT them, and I don’t give a shit about Carol’s feelings. I believe in the golden rule- treat others the way you want to be treated. Oh Carol, you’ve had this coming for a long time.
I put up with Mary Kate because at least she was respectful to my face. But Mary Kate is gone, and Carol will learn to show some respect or she will quit. So, I’m writing her up and delivering a formal warning to her on Wednesday. Should she continue, I will have grounds to fire her. I’ve also removed her from the schedule. She doesn’t want to work Saturdays? No problemo. My boss isn’t fond of her either because evidently she chewed out my boss as well. She’s a ballsy lady, I’ll give her that. I was told I have to give her 4hrs every other week in order to get her to quit but I didn’t want to be that person. At this point, game on. As I said, I’m not like the others. She wants to play with me; I guarantee she’s not going to like it.
That being said, on my conference call yesterday boss lady praised me the whole call. And then she called me after the call to thank me for my work personally. She laughed at me… I said to her, you know they say its lonely at the top but let me tell you- that’s not true! And she let out a big Lisa laugh and she said, omg I love it! Her and I get in trouble because she’s a rambler like me and we talk too much together. I interviewed for this job with her, and she said it felt like she was talking to herself when she was talking to me. And I also interviewed with an HR recruiter, plus Julie- the regional manager, plus Carmen- the VP of our company. And ALL of them said when they spoke to me it felt like they were talking to her. Needless to say, her and I get along great. But anyway, since Mary Kate left, we’ve made our credit card goal which pushed us up to #2 in the district from the bottom, and we’ve landed in the #2 spot in the district for sales, #5 out of 12 stores for email capture, #1 in customer survey responses, #3 for Facebook likes. Lisa was just gushing my praise on the conference call because my store was literally the worst of the worst- 12/12. Started at the bottom, now we’re here!
But of course, yesterday we had zero business. All returns. I think we made a grand total of $60 all freaking day. And that gave me anxiety. When someone tells you how wonderful you are, you don’t want to disappoint them… and I don’t want to end up at the bottom again because I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of my peers. But what do you do? Each time our governor has another COVID press conference, our store sees less and less people. He’s been having a press conference every other day and they’re fighting for a shut down very hard. I asked my boss if that were to happen, would I still be able to go to work and become a BASS store? As in, they’d up my online orders so I’d go to work by myself and just fulfill orders all day. I’d be like a mini distribution center, and my store would be prioritized before the others when the powers that be decide which store gets which order to fulfill. She said absolutely. So if that happens, I won’t be out of work. Maybe I’ll get to keep Barb, Jess and Krissy too, but it’s not likely. But that isn’t happening today and I have to focus on today.
Going back to my Mom rambles… When my Dad came to barely visit me at my store Friday, I told him I had to work the day after and then that Sunday I had a date to go out with Mom and Nanny to do Christmas shopping. And of course because he never pays attention to anything that I say… He calls me the next day at work. I didn’t answer… because I was working. And then he texts me the next day while I’m shopping and tells me my cousins are there and want to see me. He asks me if they should wait for me… No, Dad. I’m not coming back any time soon. And instantly I felt a burning, gut wrenching terrible- like, worst person ever terrible. I even cried a little bit to myself while we walked through what’s left of the shoe department at Lord and Taylor- they’re closing up and liquidating their stores, you know. Nanny noticed, but she didn’t say anything. She started pulling beautiful dresses off the racks with lace, sequins and ribbon. Neither of us would have fit into them, but she was admiring them. She says, isn’t this beautiful? And this one? I asked her where she was going to where them to and she just laughed at me. Neither of us would even fit our little toes in dresses that teeny- and I laughed with her but I didn’t feel better.
And my Mom asked me what was going on and I started to explain it to her but midway through my sentence she sticks her leg up from behind a display and asks me if I liked the boots she found and if she should buy them. So I just stopped talking about how I was feeling. Its normal. In the car she asked me about something and I started to tell her and she fell asleep. I tried to tell Justin about all of this and half way through he started going through the Christmas presents I had wrapped and checking all the names on the packages. I just stopped talking and he asked me why I stopped. I asked him what part of me pouring my feelings out which is rare, mind you, made it occur to you that you needed to see which gift belonged to who? And he said he was going to organize them later. You know, it’s just not even worth it. Maybe I’m overreacting. But it really feels like nobody is concerned with how I feel. I’m the stable rock, the advice giver, the make everything okay-er. The mess fixer.
I read an article about abuse victims- and I’m NOT saying I’m an abuse victim so please don’t assume that. But I was reading an article about abuse victims and how people who victimize people are often celebrated because when the victim cries out for help, they make people around them uncomfortable… and people don’t want to feel uncomfortable, so then the victim becomes the problem. I can kind of resonate with that though I am NOT abused. But it feels like when I tell the truth- when I tell people in my family that I’m not okay, everyone shuts me down because I’m always supposed to be okay. Because I’m the one everyone goes to for help, I have to be okay. Its really heavy sometimes. And sometimes its lonely.
But I did feel bad about Dad and my cousins. I felt extremely guilty for not going, and so upset for disappointing him, but at the same time I felt conflicted because none of them care about me when Dad isn’t visiting. When Dad isn’t state side, he doesn’t call or text me. When Dad isn’t state side, my cousins, aunts and uncles don’t bother with me. I haven’t seen them since the last time Dad was here, and I don’t remember when that was. Sometime last year I think. So I felt terrible, but I also felt justified. Why drop my life and the plans I already had for these people? Why should I take time out of my life spent with Nanny especially, and also Mom, for someone who can’t be bothered with me? And if I’m being 100% honest, I feel terrible still, but I don’t even really want to see any of them. I do, but I don’t. Its the holidays and I want to spend them with my family. I invited him, but he’s going to Uncle’s house… and family is coming up from FL, NY, CT to Uncles house. I wasn’t invited. I mean, I am now via my Dad. But prior to, I wasn’t invited. But that’s okay because I’m cooking Thanksgiving dinner for Mom, Nanny, Reign and Justin. And Justin’s Mom called me to ask me what Reign, Justin and I want for Christmas. I can’t fathom why I feel so bad about family that isn’t really my family anymore. I’m usually very good about these things, but this one particular topic stirs up confusion and crisis within me. A mental meltdown. Cannot compute. Its all pretend, but I don’t think I need to play pretend anymore. I’m too old for this.
My scopes talk about boundaries this week and that couldn’t be any more fitting. Well, some of them do anyway. One even says refuse to let someone bully you or pressure you. One says I shouldn’t feel obligated to follow in someone else’s footsteps. I believe I’m doing the right thing. I believe its okay to feel the things I do.
My cat is in the window messing up my curtains. Normally you look at people’s windows and see a dog staring back at you, which is also true in my house, but this morning its my cat. My other cat is stalking my fridge/oven area- I’m afraid a mouse might have came in. I’m not afraid of mice. I’m afraid of what my cat will do to it if she gets it.
I’m going to go get something to eat, and read a few other diaries before I have to get myself ready for work!
Have a great day, everyone.