Lunch Tables, Snowstorms and Mood: Whatever

Last night my Aunt texted me via Facebook messenger and told me to come get dinner at her house. She had it all packaged up and ready to go. Say no more! I told her all she ever had to do was say “Food” and I’ll be there. If you want me to come over and visit, just tell me there will be food. Yes, yes, absolutely. And because I was working away today, it took me an hour and a half to get there, but I sure did! So for dinner I had empanadas, arroz con pollo, enchiladas and delicious cinnamon bread pudding. And because I felt bad to snatch up my food and leave, I sat on the floor with her 3 dogs and let them jump all over me. And I talked with her and listened to her tell me about her job. Told her about my plans to invest my Dad’s money into a home, and my uncle told me to let him know when I’m ready to fix and sell this one because he’ll fix it for me.

Years and years ago, when I was very little, we lived next to another young couple who were heirs to a successful construction company in the area. Now there are a million, you know, but back when my town was still developing, back when most of it was farms and there were zero starbucks (haha), there was only one or two construction companies- this one being one of them. The husband of the couple was the son of the man who owned the company, and everyone being friends with my Dad, my Dad was able to get my Uncle a job with him. So my Uncle has worked for this construction company FOREVER, and now he’s part of the management team. Now he runs a crew of his own, and he makes a lot of money. They work out of bigger cities in DC/VA… they also do work in bigger cities here in MD. They work where the money is, and now he gets home every day at 2pm and doesn’t work weekends. He’s got it made.

Why was I not a construction worker?

Hehe!! For so many obvious reasons. But good for him. He’s a humble giant.

This was my Jessica Adams horoscope for the week:

“Friends? Groups? Instead of feeling like you are in some cosmic pinball machine, you’ll merely feel blessed that you know so much, or have experienced so much, about your definition of friendship or people power, by January 2022. The line will be very clearly drawn between now and the year 2002 when karmic themes began for you. Maybe, further back.”

And this describes what I’m feeling right now, what I said in my previous entry about strangers who aren’t strangers, and kindness. Its so strange how all of a sudden I’ve just found people. People that I’ve known forever but lost touch with, and people who I don’t know but I feel like I do. And beyond that, before I felt very pressured to keep up appearances with everyone. Returning messages, making plans, returning phone calls, forming relationships. Now I realize that the people that matter will be around regardless, just like I am for them.

2002 though? I was 13 years old. So… I’m not going to overreach there! Haha. If I were to though, that was definitely the age range where I began the journey of finding myself. Don’t we all? Hmm… I was in 8th grade. I remember I was so out of place in one middle school and ended up transferring to another middle school in 7th grade due to my family moving. When I got to the new school it was so strange because where my first middle school was full of cliques and horrible, mean children who all made fun of me- that or I didn’t exist at all… At the new middle school, everyone welcomed me and I had my choice of groups.

There weren’t really cliques in my new school because everyone intermingled and hung out with each other, but there were definitely different kinds of kids that sat together during social times. The difference was they all welcomed one another in passing, whereas in my first middle school, if you were in a different clique you weren’t cool. And I wasn’t part of any of them, so I was super uncool. But at the new school, I was briefly the Queen of the world, sitting at EVERYONE’S lunch table. Everyone would invite me to sit with them until I chose my tribe, and then the decision was made. Middle school politics are a thing.

After the summer of 8th grade, I never saw any of those people again because my city redistricted, putting me in a high school with people from a middle school I didn’t go to, plus some of the people from the first middle school I went to. I was quick to find my tribe there, but it was always a balancing act for me. I always felt like I had to perform, or host, to my friends interested. And perhaps that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt for me. It got me in a lot of trouble, trying to be all the things and do all the things. Trying to keep up. Trying to force myself to be what I thought I was supposed to be. As for the people from my first middle school that ended up with me in high school? They either ignored me or forgot they bullied me, to which I determined they were all assholes and couldn’t care less. They were invisible to me.

And now they’re all literally invisible. I’m quite curious where everyone gets their groceries because a lot of these people still live in town but I NEVER see them. Not at the grocery stores. Not at Target. Not at the mall. Not at the gas stations. Not at any restaurants. How do they live? Or is it possible that I pass them every day and never run into anyone I used to know because they’re of little significance to me now so I don’t see them? Just a face in the crowd.

Anyway, that was a lot of unnecessary back story and thought processes. I was just thinking that if I had to reach way back- even though I don’t think 2002 was significant for any karmic cycles or anything of that nature to me… I was just thinking that if I reached, maybe I never really did find myself. Maybe my entire life has been this journey of bouncing from people to people, place to place, situation to situation, trying to find which was the one that was meant for me. And that kind of mirrors my internal struggle as well of being biracial, and not fully able to understand or embrace my cultural identity, or that of my ancestry. And maybe my karmic completion, and my overall sense of peace despite my grief is the realization that I don’t have to. Its all okay.

Moving on! …

I’ve got to go get ready soon. Work life starts again.

Yesterday was a mess. We had a bad snow storm in the morning and I was having a lot of trouble getting there. It took me about an hour and a half to get there, plus I took the wrong turn because the area is very, very country, rural, and my GPS dropped out. I ended up on an unpaved hill and I didn’t know where the road stopped and the snow began. There was a home who decorated a tree in their yard near the road with a giant, black cut out of a big foot with red eyes to which I said to myself … what the F is that?? Before I realized what it was.

When I went to get back on the main road, my car wouldn’t go up the final leg of the hill. It kept sliding backward, left and right. I thought, yep, this is it. This is the moment where I die, in a snowy ditch in the middle of no where where nobody will find me. And yes that is completely ridiculous. My little hyundai elantra climbed that hill- I kept cheering for her, come on little car! We can do this! We can do this. And eventually, we did. And I was a nervous, sweaty mess.

By the time I got off work, the whole climate had changed. We went from temps in the 20s to temps in the 40s and all the snow on the road was gone. FFS! The mall had been empty. At one point I shut the gate and went to Auntie Anns for a pretzel. Came back and ate it. That was all I did. Otherwise I stood there and played games on my phone. I watched Youtube videos. Never in my retail life had I ever been so worthless as I was that day. I couldn’t get the safe open to get the money out, so I had told my 3 customers I had for the day that the register system was offline so I could only take check or card. That made absolutely no sense, but whatever.

Whatever! 4 more days left to be open for business, and 5 more days of responsibility in general. Last two days in this store until I can get back to mine. It was announced that Hilco bought us- our liquidators bought us. I think that’s absolutely ridiculous. Our liquidators will be running our website. I really feel like this is a huge conflict of interest or something. It just feels wrong. But hey! Capitalism! Right?

I don’t know. It’s a whatever kind of mood for a whatever kind of week.

Hope everyone has a great day.

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February 23, 2021

Probably seven years ago now, STL had a pretty bad ice storm and no one could get up certain hills, including a hill I had to climb to get to work.  All these trucks and SUVs couldn’t hack it and were turned away by police directing nearly all traffic to go the other way.

It was then that my Iowa ass and my Ford Focus decided to give a clinic on winter driving.  Nice slow speeds, rocking the steering wheel back and forth gently, getting up that hill at about 3mph but still doing it…and the look on the cops’ faces were priceless.  😆

There are so many people from high school that I wouldn’t know them if I passed them in the street…and I know that because the pics FB reveal makes me go, “That’s….you…?”  Nothing like I remembered most of the time.