Feeling listless this morning and Reign is irritating me.
I got and read my natal birth chart a while ago- another astrology thing, and something it said about me and my personality was that there is a clear separation of my logical self and my emotional self. A most definite separation of internal Church and State. And this is a general thing that could be said for anyone, sure, because everyone feels torn and has mixed feelings from time to time. But for me its like a very serious conflict. I can’t ever just go with something. I have to choose whether I feel something or whether I think something because they are two different people. Every single time, with every single thing. So then when I try to express my conflict with other people, sometimes they say not to overthink. Not to over analyze. And sometimes people just stop listening. So 9 times out of 10, I don’t bother saying anything at all. I mean, except here of course. Maybe that’s why I type so much- because in real life I’ve become a very silent individual.
I feel irritated by Reign because he’s attention-seeking this morning. He’s saying and doing strange things to be silly. And that’s who he is… he’s always been and always will be the class clown personality. And me, I’ve never cared for those people. I’ve always found those people obnoxious and a waste of time. And I hate saying that because I don’t feel that way about Reign. I don’t feel like he is a waste of time, and I want him to be a 10 year old. But its true. I know silly people like him mean well, but I’m like dude… just stop. And Reign, sometimes he’s 10 years old, sometimes he’s 15 and sometimes I threaten to put a diaper on him because he just needs to effing grow up. But I don’t want him to grow up. Not yet. I didn’t know how much I missed when he was a baby because in so many ways I was still a baby- a baby adult. Maybe adulting is a myth and we never really grow up to meet the vision of adulthood we create in our mind.
The reason why him and his silliness irritates me currently is because he is refusing to put any effort into his grandparent’s Christmas gifts. Its really a simple thing… All I asked him to do was write a letter to both of them individually talking about things he loves and appreciates about them. And I will send it into this place that will turn it into a really beautiful decorative throw blanket. I don’t remember exactly what Reign said this morning, but it was something akin to, Dear Nanny, Thank you for still being here. Thank you for making me food and getting me drinks. Love Reign. Like…. the fuck is that? Nanny, Merry Christmas and I’m glad you aren’t dead. For real? You want a cell phone, a VR set, you converse on Roblox to strangers all day if we let you sit at the computer that long… You want and want and want, and you can’t think deeply enough to say something nice about Nanny- the woman who spoils you and treats you like a greedy little Prince? BAH.
I don’t get it- I did NOT raise him to be this way whatsoever. I’ve been trying to combat his rapidly increasing, selfish, egotistical hormone flux that was bound to kick in sooner or later. He’s 10, but we have reached the point of having thick leg hair and needing to use deodorant so I’m assuming this is the beginning of the end. I’ve assumed that for a while now. And I feel like despite Nanny encouraging my son to be a little asshole, that this would happen no matter what and I should just give up and brace myself for middle school.
Side note, my grandfather- Nanny’s first ex-husband is dead. He’s been dead since forever- he was an extremely nasty, insulting, racist ex-cop who smoked too much, ate too much and had diabetes. He refused to take care of himself, ended up spending the last of his life sleeping on a hospital gurney in his kitchen and then a nursing home where he died. Bloated, legless and alone with no one but his mother. My great grandmother, who then ended up in the same nursing home. Well, in truth at one point I believe they were there at the same time. Maybe not. I was very young when all this was happening and my memories are spotty. I didn’t go visit either of them because the whole thing bothered me, and my grandfather was never really nice to me. He wasn’t nice to anyone, but he didn’t believe my mom should have been with my dad because he didn’t believe in interracial relationships or colored people in general so I probably wasn’t what he thought he’d get when he got a grandchild. I do know he had a come to Jesus moment before he died, so good for him in that sense.
But, my side note was that Nanny used to fight with my great grandmother regarding the health of my grandfather while they were still alive. Nanny used to tell my grand grandmother not to keep buying my grandfather candy, sodas, cigarettes by the carton… It used to pain Nanny to watch her literally spoil her husband to death. To actual death. He was a glutton and he paid the price for it, and his mother, my great grandmother, willingly spoon fed him until she could barely feed herself and then he died. And then she died. And now Nanny is treating my son the same way. Last night Nanny got Reign pizza AND Taco Bell, and soda, after he ate his fill on the couch he damn near threw a fit because he wanted to eat her pizza crusts while I said no- he didn’t need to eat any more. So she gave him a pack of cookies and said oh, it’s only 100 calories. No. Reign does not one more calorie. Reign’s got little man boobs and little fat rolls. Mind you, Reign is stupid tall and should only get taller so I’m personally not worried… a lot of boys chunk up and then thin out. But, Reign prefers to wear shirts at the pool and at the beach because he’s chunky. He knows this about himself, so just stop fucking feeding him. He doesn’t need 3 meals and 10 snacks a day. He’s spoiled to the point that my parenting efforts have been 90% derailed, and he doesn’t want to come home because she is spoon feeding him the way her husband’s mother spoon fed him. Reign did not get the cookies, needless to say.
I can’t stand it. It makes me feel powerless, and like I can’t parent my child. I need Nanny’s help because I have to work. And I’ve borderline begged her to enforce the rules, make him do chores, stop buying him fast food or making him special meals just because he doesn’t want to eat what you’ve already cooked. Stop allowing him to eat in front of the TV. Stop bringing him whatever he asks for as soon as he asks for it. Stop going out of you way to buy him stuff he sees on TV that he NEVER plays with, ever. He is not a little prince. He is supposed to be a young man, and he needs to learn to be responsible. He needs to learn to care for other people, not be doted on. And I seem like the worst mother in the world for trying to instill these values in my son. But Nanny keeps the spoon in Reign’s mouth. But she says that’s what great grandparents are supposed to do. Maybe she’s right. Don’t bite the hand that feeds, Alicia. Be quiet, kind and courteous. Be thankful. But its messed up and there’s nothing I can do about it. Sure there is. I could quit my job and try to figure something else out. I can’t do that. Kids will be kids, and he’s a kid. Stop over thinking.
I didn’t come here to say all this and go on a rant about Reign. Initially when logged on today I was just thinking how I felt bad about having nothing going on. Just rolling with the current, with the tide. Letting go, letting God. Just kind of keeping pace and allowing the universe to take me wherever it may. And I feel bad about that too. I feel very superficial that my biggest worry right now is figuring out what to get everyone for Christmas and paying off debt. I feel like with so much wrong in the world, I should be upset about something. But I’m not because… there’s not much I can do about much. And I should be focusing on my energy some place, but where? I’m waiting for my next calling and until then I’m just existing in white space. Well, white walls are kind of bright this early in the morning. Lets go with… dove grey. That’s more of my mood.
I used my new deck for the first time yesterday morning. My intent wasn’t very serious- I’m sort of… courting this new deck. I’m getting to know it and letting it get to know me. And the only way to do that is to use it. So I spent some time just focusing on it itself, shuffling it. I was admiring it and it was kind of a… well, let’s see what you’ve got, type of moment. The difference between my old deck and this one is night and day in terms of my connection to it. Before it felt like I was trying to translate a foreign language that I almost knew, or picking up small sound bites and trying to piece together an entire thought from a few words and context. This deck and I feel 100% fluent. Compatible.
So my set told an interesting story of a cycle being broken or otherwise an unhealthy, negative situation finally coming to an end with the Devil Card. Looking at the Page of Wands, the Three of Coins and Six of Coins along side it, this situation or cycle involved someone chaotic, likely someone young who was tricky and deceiving… Someone who was all bark but no bite, who was a liar. Someone who led me to believe things but had no follow through. This was someone who I collaborated with and shared a lot of myself with, someone who I invested a lot of my time and energy on. Maybe this person helped me in a way but ultimately the situation I had with this person wasn’t the best and it has since ended.
Also interesting, but I’m not sure that I understand… The Ten of Coins, a card representing being blessed or finally finding success after hard work, was paired with The Hermit, The Two of Wands reversed and the Wheel reversed. The Hermit generally means solitude and spending time alone. It could mean seeking out a teacher or a mentor, someone wise but I’m not feeling that. I think these cards together mean… It’s lonely at the top. That maybe being successful and working hard also means that I won’t be focused on my social life- I’ll be focusing on me and my goals instead. Then again, The two of wands reversed indicates the inability to choose, and the wheel reversed could show the reversal of fortune as a result of making bad choices. So maybe this is a warning? Maybe Spirit is telling me I’m so focused on myself and my goals that I’m being selfish which is causing my struggle between my emotional and logical self. Maybe Spirit is telling me that I have big choices coming to me and that a lot is riding on them… or maybe Spirit is telling me that I need to get out of my “Hermit” ways and socialize, or collaborate, in order to keep on a good path. This set, I’m really not sure. Thoughts, Chris?
And lastly my set offered the Chariot, or the destiny card. Ultimately I have control over my destiny- free will is a thing. This paired with the Queen of Swords, Eight of Coins, and Lovers reversed… I love the Queen of Swords. She’s cool, calm and collected. She’s a natural leader, and she doesn’t bullshit you. It is what it is with the Queen. I feel like the Queen of Swords is my energy (most days). The Eight of Coins… an abundance card. Lovers Reversed- What? Refusing love? Poor choices, refusing to make a choice, unhealthy and unbalanced relationships. So what I got from this was… again, it’s a mixed read so I’m not sure… I mean, I refuse Justin daily. In ways, I refused Jared- he wanted things I couldn’t give, and likewise. Both of these individuals created unhealthy situations for me. But if not the obvious, then what? I’m not really interested in fostering new relationships because I’m so focused on career and finances right now. This is certainly true. As much as I feel lonely at times, I need to lead my team and run a great business- I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be, and it requires a lot of work to get there but there are only so many hours in a day. And paying off our debt has been my goal since pre-covid, but the shut downs and furloughs put me months behind my ideal timeline. So maybe I am the Queen. And maybe it is lonely at the top.
I pulled one last card as its recommended when bonding with your deck to keep it with you- to pull a card, keep it with you, go back to it and see how you feel. See what it says. So I did that- I shuffled all the cards and pulled out the Ten of Swords. Interesting! The Ten of Swords can be an extremely dramatic card depending on your interpretation, context and what you believe. Its literally a card with 10 swords stabbing someone in the back, bloody and brutal. But just like the Death card and the Devil card, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be an out with the old, in with the new card. This isn’t a new beginnings type of card, but its rather indicating that which no longer serves us is finished. The process in and of itself to bring this situation to a close was brutal and painful, but its done. Its a card of pain, release and relief. You’ll see this card when you’ve fought a battle you can’t possibly win, and you’ve fought it for so long that you give up and wait for the end to come. And while you don’t want to give up, it also feels better to do so. You’ve been hit by a storm so forceful that everything you knew and know might be in ruin, and while that’s a bitter pill to swallow you can take solace in the fact that its over, and now you can clean up. That is when this card shows up.
I don’t know why the card is showing up for me. I could guess, but I don’t really feel that way. Or maybe I do. Maybe I did and I’m moving past it. I don’t hold on to my emotions, and once they are gone, they are gone. I don’t usually remember how I felt about something when I move past it. Mary Kate’s last day was yesterday, so my work life will start new. She has been a big part of my story thus far, and I won’t ever have anything to say about her ever again because she’s gone. I don’t feel anything about this though. On to the next. It was just kind of interesting to me that this was my universal message card that I carried around in my pocket all day on Mary Kate’s last day.
On to the next!
Who’s ready for Turkey? 8 days till Turkey day and 9 till Black Friday! WHHAAATT!! (+/- a day depending on how you count your calendar)
Have a great day, everyone!