Hey Everyone. Hope everyone had a good weekend. Did you get into anything fun or unusual in this crazy covid world?
I live in Maryland and our numbers are increasing by the day. Everyone is unnerved here and its quite clear everyone is trying to keep cool. People are asking me about the malls and retail as if I’m Governor Hogan’s person. I have no idea any more than anyone else! All I know is that we have to be safe, go to work wherever that may be and try to keep our head up.
Panicking won’t help anyone weather whatever storm is on the horizon. Big, small or neither. And if none, panicking will surely create one.
I’m typing this out on my phone, in the bathtub. Weird? Maybe. But this room and this tub are the only two places in my house where I get any peace and quiet when everyone is home. And I have some words in my brain that I need to get out for my own sanity. I have my store meeting at 6, so I could use all the sanity I can muster to address my band of merry (wo)men all at the same time.
I am excited in a way because this will be the very first time they are meeting Jess after her working with me in the store for a month, going on two now. And it’ll be the last time they see Mary Kate who will not be at the meeting but still. For them, this will be a meeting indicating new beginnings, fresh starts and a hardfast setting of behaviors and expectations going forward. So this will be good. Its got to be.
This weekend has been difficult for me. I was okay, until I wasn’t. I feel like I need to start thinking in a different way. I feel like I’ve been so focused and stressed about what’s wrong that I’ve lost sight of what’s right. But again, in the moment its hard to tell the difference. Its hard to compartmentalize and give separate things the individual energy they deserve… especially when my energy well feels pretty empty. But I have my faith. I do.
Yesterday Justin and I were to run around and get some Christmas shopping done and also check for Christmas decorations for the house. Solar lights, specifically which have been a real challenge to find. We did find some but had to drive about a half hour to the next county over to get them.
Prior to that, and even during the car ride there, the energy was off between the two of us. I mean, I can’t remember the last time it was on. But, we were at each others throats for no reason. He would say the dumbest things trying to get a reaction out of me, and I either wouldn’t humor him or the response I would give wouldn’t be the one he wanted.
Example, we were looking for oversized Christmas ornaments to decorate a huge triangular bush thing outside like a Christmas tree and the dollar store appeared to be out of them. They had cases upon cases days ago. I made the stupid mistake to make a comment about not being able to find the big balls, and of course Justin said in front of an old lady, a mom and her child that he had a pair but felt like whipping them out would be inappropriate. I said “Disgusting” and moved on my search, and I did in fact find what I was looking for. And Justin deflated his ego, though it was probably a lot for him to try in the first place.
Yesterday I got into it with Mom and Nanny too because on Friday Mom called me and asked if she could keep Reign knowing that this is my only weekend off to spend with him until I dont even know when. Plus, I’m closing at work until after the holidays are over. So, regardless of the details, I didn’t get Reign back until last night around 9ish and then of course it was bedtime. So yeah.
I deeply appreciate them helping me because between my late hours recently and now Justin and his new job, nobody can pick up Reign until around 7 usually if not later. And Reign’s bedtime is at 8. So that leaves me maybe an hour or less with him each day. I realize in Justin’s case and unfortunately for some others that my hour or less per day with my son is more than what they get with their own children. I’m sorry for that, but I didn’t agree to this. I don’t know. I felt like being upset and disappointed in not spending my weekend with Reign somehow negated my gratefulness of them helping me. Like, I shouldn’t feel what I do.
And Justin had the audacity to tell me we as parents should have never allowed this to happen, or for Reign to stay the weekend or any part of the weekend, that I should have said something beforehand… Well if that isnt the pot calling the kettle black, I just don’t know what to say. Maybe its true but he is certainly not the one to give me parenting advice. And I also most certainly did not ask for his opinion.
He has to ask permission to see his child twice a month, and has never stepped up to help me with any tough calls involving Reign. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes but they are mine alone. And the try is mine alone. And now Reign is at an age where he wants to hang out with his friends, and he has a friend next door to Grandmas house. So… I’m not sure where the line is. All I know is that I decide, not Justin. And I’m still mulling it over.
This morning has been no different in energy or space. Sheer stupidity. This morning he hugged me and I allowed it. He asked me quietly, whispered in my ear, when I was going to agree to marry him. Uhh, never of course! I remember when I used to love when he did things like that… pull me in and whisper things only I could hear.
And then he called me A-lee-sha. That isn’t my name. I’m Alicia. A-lee-see-a. Easy mistake for someone who just met me and is reading my name off paper. No longer acceptable for someone whos known me for almost 9yrs. I asked after all these years why he’d want to marry someone who’s name he suddenly can’t remember. Ha, and then Reign chimed in to let me know I made Justin mad. I’m wrong in defending my name.
And I felt extreme sadness all of a sudden, so I just had to cry it out. And nobody said anything. I cried and looked out the window in my kitchen as I was spicing and drying bread for homemade stuffing and prepping so when I cook Thanksgiving dinner I wont have a million things to do. Reign covered his head in a pillow, and Justin said, I know your name, and went outside. I felt extremely lonely. When I was done being upset, Reign asked me for dinner so I made he and Justin tacos, and now I’m here.
My secure folder on my phone has been popping up on my screen lately… it doesn’t usually do that. There is a message from Jared in there that I saved and password protected, the very first time he told me he loved me. We were fighting via text as was normal and I thought he was going to say something hateful, but he shocked me when he said I love you instead. I actually forgot what message I saved until I finally looked at it today.
So then I had his phone number and I texted him saying that the holidays are coming and I hope he is well and is having a good time. The last message he sent to me was basically him calling me names.
And you know, I feel good about texting him. Leos are that way… something feels good and we do it. And when we don’t, we think about it and it creates mess in our brain space. So I sent the text, and I’m glad.
I don’t expect him to text back and maybe he won’t even read it, but me… I would hate the thought of hurting someone and not getting the opportunity to apologize for it. I don’t expect him to apologize and maybe he won’t care. But I wanted him to know that there is no hard feelings regardless of what he said.
And I felt like I was supposed to do that. My own cards, and after consulting with other intuitives who read cards… I think he’s been showing up here lately as a something in my path. I don’t know for sure. There’s been a lot of talk about my past being my present, someone from my past missing me, someone hurting me which causes me to reflect and grow. Someone from my past who will come back to my present in a practical sense. One person even mentioned someone long distance. Of all the things said, he checks all of the boxes but I realize in my brain I may just want that to be true.
And yet, I don’t want anything in return. I realize my plate is so full right now and I need to be present in my now. I need to deal with life and address whats ive been presented with right now. I understand this month is big on manifesting what the new year will bring just as well, and I can say I dont want to manifest new love or a new life. I just want calm, peace and security. I just want to close my eyes at night and feel good about sleeping, not fall asleep from being exhausted or being in pain. Being in pain- my stomach and my head have been hurting lately for no reason. Chakra, anyone?
I was browsing the internet for Christmas gifts and saw a Tarot deck that was beautiful… I believe its called the Ethereal Deck. Absolutely gorgeous. My deck is okay, but it doesn’t feel right. I dont feel connected to it as I did once.
So I looked into it and found a local store that had it in stock so I went to buy it but it wasn’t there. I asked for it, and the lady went to check. But in the meantime, I had found a different deck that was so…unusual. Actually I think its called the Uncommon Tarot? I’m not sure off the top if my head… and I’m in the tub, and they are put away.
But the moment I laid eyes on the deck it called to me. Its not something I would normally be drawn to. Its dark, moody and skeptical. It has a universal brooding energy about it. I imagine it looking at me with an eyebrow raised as I’m looking at it with squinty eyes. I imagine it asking me… so what are you going to do? Choose. Hurry up, it tells me, like it already knows what I’m going to do and its bored with me. But I’m a Leo, and a multifaceted one at that, so I bought them both. The Dark, and the Light.
And I took the uncommon cards out of box to look at them and they are truly something magical. The ethereal deck is sincerely beautiful to be sure but this deck… its so… loud. And the cards feel good in my hands. You’re probably reading this thinking I’m nuts, but I’m sure you’ve seen something or touched something at least once in your life and you’ve known it was supposed to be yours? Thats how I feel about these cards.
Okay I’ve said enough, my water is getting a chill and need to get back to the real world. Have a great night everyone.