#totw84

Is there someone in your life who you always count on for support? If you do, why is it that person?

Me, myself, and I, baby! Ha, okay so perhaps this isn’t quite true. But what is support exactly? Everyone needs a different kind of support system and I’m sure most people have several different people in their lives that they lean on in different ways. Emotionally, I fly solo. You, Open Diary, you are who I count on for support. So thank you, OD Friends and Family. And Nanny- Nanny has always been my backbone. But again, not emotionally. She’s just always been behind me, like a guardian Angel. I’ve learned even as an adult to not tell her things… During shelter at home, she would occasionally slip $50 or $100 into my purse to help us with groceries and refuse to take it back. Or she’d send it home with Reign after a visit. I’ve realized you have to tell her everything is great, otherwise she’ll stop at nothing to try and help you. And she’ll be beyond pissed if you try and refuse her- which won’t work anyway.

Nanny saved me when I lived with my mother and her abusive husband. Mom’s husband tried to rape me but I fought back and it didn’t happen. He just laughed at me instead and told me my mother would never believe me. I told Mom, and she faulted me for it. She said I disgusted her and chose him. I was… I don’t remember… 14 I think. So Nanny suggested that I moved in with her because my personality declined drastically after that. I never told anyone, and I don’t know if Mom ever told Nanny. But I know I wasn’t the same after that… and Nan took me in. She said I was always so unhappy so she offered. In fact, that changed everything. That changed things between Nanny and Mom too. Mom blamed Nanny for me leaving. Selfish to the core, always and forever, like I said.

Life is a journey though, and if I’m being introspective I could look back at all my key players and see how they all helped me. They came into my life when I needed them, and exited when I didn’t. Nobody has ever stuck around, but that’s okay. Again, life is a journey and all things happen for a reason. Sometimes its just hard to see the reason until you’re beyond it.

My best friend- my only real friend, her name is Brittni. She was my best friend for 17 years. I met her he first day of 6th grade… my mom didn’t want me to walk to school and we were too close for a bus, but getting dropped off in the taxi embarrassed me and the taxi itself made me uncomfortable. Taxis and ubers are normal now but back then they weren’t. So I used to sneak out the back of the apartment building to avoid the taxi we lived in and walk to school with the rest of the kids. I walked up to Brittni and asked her if she was a 6th grader, and she laughed at me because she was in 7th grade. I saw her again after school and said hello. She invited me to her house with her friends, and that was that. And Brittni and I became inseparable for 17 years.

She was my rock and I was her shadow for most of my life. She defended me and made me feel better when my home life was bad. I used to spend time with her and her family because they were a family, and I loved being a part of it. Haha, we would get in trouble together and I would still be allowed to come over anyway, but it was definitely known that I too was grounded when I got there. But we grew apart. Her and I both made bad decisions that costed us our friendship 17 years later, but besides that, I one day stepped out of her shadow and became my own me. And then things were different.

I started focusing on my family and my career, and she always seemed to be the same old same. Never wanting better for herself, or rather, always wanting better but never putting in the work to make things better. Always had excuses and had these get rich schemes that never panned out. And as I started to get better financially, emotionally, and she didn’t… she started seeing me differently. But I was different. Either way, my friendship with her made me feel safe. It was the only place I ever felt safe growing up. She was the only family I had when mine was disappeared. Last I heard, she and her family are a mess… like, an actual mess. Drugs, poverty, Jerry Springer. I don’t know if its true. I don’t need to know, either.

Heh, and back before Reign was born, and then after Reign was born, there was Eric. He took me to Ohio, left me there, but that propelled me on the path to the therapist I met who helped me overcome my anger. My anger was consuming me at that time.

Also, there was Jodi and Ryan. Both of them require their own diary entries, but those who people were key players in my life because they forced me to recognize my value after the Brittni time period. Prior to Brittni and I ending our friendship, I was involved with someone named Kris. He was a heroin addict and he’s dead now. And that… again, a life changing mess that almost cost me my home and my child. It for sure cost me my friendship, at least in part. But after all of that happened, enter Jodi and Ryan, who pushed me to heal. They forced me to work on me. I didn’t know it at the time, of course. Then enter Justin, who was my friend during the Jodi and Ryan period but then became more… Justin has forced me to learn to be responsible.

And now, I feel my current cast of characters are setting me off into a new journey. A new lesson to learn and master. Mary Kate, for what it was worth, plus my boss Lisa, Barb, Krissy, and yes sadly Carol… they’re teaching me to be strong. To stand by my convictions, and not be so weak of heart. Jared even played a part in this too though his part is long over.

So… is there someone in my life that I can always count on for support? Not exactly… Nanny maybe. But sometimes you just have to trust in yourself and the path. Even when the path is rocky and full of thorns. Because God/Goddess/Universe/Spirit/Whatever you believe in will put people and situations in your path to help you through it, and you’re going through it for a reason.

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November 24, 2020

I can’t add a thing.  Awesome writing even if some of the players were sketchy kind of people.  🙂

November 24, 2020

By the way I was looking for the themes list of entries for totw84 and can’t find them.  Do you know how to see them?

November 25, 2020

@tracker2020

I think its on the front page isn’t it? Right on top left. I think!

November 24, 2020

There is, simply, no way we’re the people we are today without the people we’ve become entangled with yesterday.  But good gawds…after reading all that, I say again that you’re a survivor.  You’ve had to become that.   As completely e’ffed as it’s all been, it’s made you strong and admirable.  And you’ve become amazing.

At the risk of going overboard…I’d be honored just to meet you one day. 🙂