Being 29- Day 2

So my birthday was spent with a guy I met while dancing at a band event.

He seemed cool and easy going. but he was really touchy: caressing my legs, putting his arm around me. He wanted alot of intimacy from me Day one- something that felt unnatural.

I think in the midst of my loneliness I was settling for anything that felt like a relationship.

He is not a bad guy but maybe i wasnt the most attracted to him based on intial everything and needed a friend.

I loved our conversations about how different genders operate and think.

But at times, I found myself growing cold and irriable at how every encounter felt like planning an event that im not apart of thinking about.

I think alone time made me dislike people in ways I wish I did not.

Which sucks.. because in the past I loved volunteering and working with kids, I lost that part of me I guess.

Anywho, This guy is great by being a leader to the youth, established in career and home. He is intellectual but can be a bit too into himself.

We talked about what we wanted and i think I messed up cause I told him.

Everytime, We linked it was, “What are we?”

I hate how dealing with men, they dont hear and understand your situation.

I needed a friend.

Either way, after that statement… He should of left.

I’d think my self worth as a man is- If she doesnt want what I do. Lets just not do it.

So thats what I told him, He understood twice over.

But 1 month later, ON MY BIRTHDAY, he told me he just got done talking to someone. So again, In my mind I was like…. Why are you rushing me for intimacy??

He wanted to argue till midnight…

I blocked him thereafter the call.

Today, I woke up and i listened to music. Eerily it feels like I am suppose to be alone.

It feels like I am suppose to be back at square one with my mom going through abuse and acting wrong. It feels like I am accepting being neglected by my father as if it is my worth.

Really I just want to live and be succesful out the blue.

I wanna travel everytime I wake up and see the world even though it is a bit effed up.

I just want to not have ties and hurt people.

But At 29, I do.

I think it steams from the heartbreak I dealt with 2 years ago plaquing my heart black.

But I hurt him too.

He is just handling it better and im being hacked as a result.

So on day 2 post birthday, I really just want to go back to reading the bible, therapy, staying to myself and making due with what I have.

It would be nice 5 months or 6 months from now to speak to the guy that broke my heart.

It would be nice to be over it and see him and those feelings no longer exist.

But sex has a way of fucking us all up.

Abstaining has done wonders on my self worth.

But is it wrong to want to marry for love and all the sex.

Or just abstain until someone

finally not only gets my worth

but accepts me and helps me

through the tough stuff.

Or is this journey really meant for me to be alone.

Still not fixing my God complex

because you need people to remind you.

Ashley… You still have growing to do, you got the potential.

Just tightening up in these areas of your soul.

I think I am just the best weapon for fixing me.

Not a friend, Man or entity.

God is really trying and testing me.

for real on day 2 of 29.