It feels like I am talking to myself.

It would feel that way when you are just mirroring things back to me. I really am just talking to me. Still sounds better coming from you. The ruminating really hurts my brain. I hope it goes away soon. You really like to push buttons lol. I was talking to that ex of mine one day a while back about that project you did that was different than the work, I am used to from you. He told me you made a lot of money on that. Really? He said that? Are we talking about the same person? I can’t see our buddy bragging about his money. Oh, I wonder if he was triggered by that.  That is so brilliant. I don’t even know my brain could be making shit up. I live in la la land. This is real vulnerability, I have no idea what kind of information my ex has shared with you about me, he really has no boundaries on his mouth. It is always good to check with the wife before sharing intimate details about your personal conversations. I don’t really keep secrets so whatever, multiple facets to my personality. Hope everyone is having a good time.

Baby girl is in her big girl bed tonight, this should be interesting. Bed training has to start, I am committed, mommy needs her space.  Laundry is done, dishes are done, toys are picked up and we are working on cleaning out this brain space to get some good sleep. Kickboxing is going to happen tomorrow. I did make it to Tabata at the Y yesterday and had dinner with my friend. I controlled my alcohol intake, only 1 martini.

I have been feeling this underlying sadness all day, I can’t seem to shake it. I need spring and some sunshine; maybe it is just hormones. Still working on that balance in life. Trying to be healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually for my baby. She needs a healthy mom; she is my priority. Maybe God knew she is what I needed to leave.   That trauma bonding in no joke, it is like drug addiction. How do break a trauma bond? Authentically bond with someone else.  See what happens when you are not paying attention. I still think that is cheating, I was not prepared for that. It is what it is. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know that feeling. I know all the other feelings, but I don’t know what that means.



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