Crazy for feeling so lonely

I have a lot of really good people in my life.  My best friends are more than that, they are my family.  My biological family is all mostly dead, with the exception of 2 sisters and a brother. My parents both died fairly young, I am still in my 30s, albeit, late 30s.  Dad passed in 2001  kicking off a whole string of family deaths until finally my mom died in 2013.  I’m bringing this up I suppose to illustrate the importance of the family I chose.

I keep my friends for a long time if they are true.  I have had one of my closest friends for 26 years and the next longest friendship I have is 15 years now.  I have all of the companionship and socialization that I could possibly need but still… there is something very important missing in my life.

I need love.  My need for love has helped me make horrible decisions when dating people, be they male, female, or otherwise.  I have a lot of love to give and I love in a very specific way. I know that I am unusual in how I treat other people, its hard to explain but have gotten so much confirmation on this fact that I find it hard to argue.  I’m apparently unique in the way that I love, and i have given myself fully to people that have not deserved my heart.

I am lonely.  I hate dating.  I hate the process of weeding out people that just want to hook up, or people that cant keep my attention, or people that are completely unavailable to me emotionally.  Its tedious.

I want someone to cook with and to keep me company while grocery shopping.  I want someone who gets excited by the idea of spending a lazy Sunday in bed together, alternating between watching something entertaining and entertaining each other.  Those little moments.  I miss physical contact and little moments.

I cant say that I’m honestly actually ready to get into something, but my god.  I just want to feel someones arms wrapped around me while I drift off to sleep.

And yes, I have found that that is ENTIRELY too much to ask.

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