I want to be a positive person. I truly do. But recently, as I take on more responsibilities as a (step) mom I feel overwhelmingly negative and, honestly, depressed. I love this kid and I love the opportunity I have to be in their life. But I am having such a hard time not being angry with their mother. So this is where I will vent. I’m hoping this will help me not obsess over her inadequacies anymore in my daily life. So what I will do is write a letter to her here, so I never have to actually send it (even if I want to).
Trigger Warnings: *abuse, *emotional abuse, *s3xual abuse, *addiction
Dear Birth Giver of my awesome Step Kid (plus 4 others you also don’t pay attention to),
I want to hate you. And sometimes, I truly do. I know that addiction is a disease and I want to have sympathy for you, I honestly wanted to help you for the longest time. You just recently “left” rehab for the second or third time. The story is unclear as to whether you completed your program or were asked to leave, but regardless you had an opportunity of a (addict’s) lifetime to live with the ONE member of your family that is sober so long as you got a part time job. You decided that you were “too good” for the job that was offered you and immediately moved back in with your drug dealer boyfriend, the man you claimed beat you/abused you. Within hours you were high again. You continue to call, text, harass my Significant Other (SO) to help you. But you turn around and tell the world how he used to beat you (false) and how he would emotionally abuse you (also false). Do you know he still has nightmares about the times you’d start hitting him while he was trying to sleep? I can’t lean to kiss his forehead without him reacting to protect himself. If I make a sudden movement, he flinches. I’ve never hit a person in my entire life and this is how he reacts after 3 years of you OUT of his life and 2 years with me.
But really, I wanted to talk about the child you brought into the world. They have a birthday coming up, do you remember? I’m sure you do, I know you are not heartless. But the fact of the matter is that you will probably only call because you want to convince them what a good mom you are for calling. That you wanted to come to their party but couldn’t for reasons that are bullshit. You’ll call and convince them that you are building them a beautiful house for them to live in with you. That you have an amazing present that doesn’t actually exist. You’ll convince them that you’re working so hard to come see them, manipulate them into thinking that their grandma/dad/me are the ones that don’t let you. That you want to live with them at their grandmas house (why you think this is okay, I have no idea). Do you know how they cry for you after you do shit like this? You cancel times to see them more than you actually make the plans. When you call you’re done talking after 1 minute. When you actually see them you only want to stay for max 45 minutes. Yet you claim to be a mom. You claim that they are your pride and joy, which may be true. But you don’t want to have an actual hand in raising them. You’ll give that responsibility over to literally anyone else. You have 5 kids in this world and you take care of not a damn one of them.
And yet this kid thinks you hung the moon. I just wish you would show up. Or go away. I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I am just so sick of you playing with their emotions.
The Lady Raising your kid.