Oof

I remember why I loved writing in this thing so much back in the day for exactly what today’s entry will be.  Reflection, understanding.

Today I picked a massive gigantic fight with my husband.  It started out as one thing and then evolved into everything he has done lately to piss me off and then it finally just broke me to the point where I could barely see through the BPD abandonment fog.  I am so angry that I did it because I wasted what could have been a very, very chill day fighting with him (but at least I rage cleaned I guess).  Anyway at the end I just screamed how I felt abandoned and alone lately.  It was almost like I could see something click and he stopped fighting and apologized.  I dont know whats gonna happen tonight but I need to stop picking fights to get my needs met (though only the first fight in 6 months).

Tomorrow is Finns endo appointment.  I literally sit at every appointment expecting someone to bust in the door and say “you arent taking good enough care of him hes ours”.  Thanks BPD.  We will see how it goes I feel like these last two weeks have been pretty awesome in terms of Finn but you never know.  They are also going to help us to change doctors and deal with the bridge of that.  That is terrifying.

I unpacked SO MANY boxes over the last two days.  Its been amazing.  I am going to spend tomorrow cleaning my room, my desk, and all of that because I am seeing it needs it.  Then we can bring in more boxes, boxes to burn, and put anything necessary up in the attic.  The garage is SUCH a project.  Seriously a project.  Its full of boxes and empty boxes and a few pieces of furniture.  I would love to get it at least contained to up against the wall.  So in order for that to happen I am going to have to unpack, sand and paint my shelf, and clean the hell out of there.  I want it to be “presentable” when my sister comes down (then maybe she will see I am actually making progress lol).

Alright yall I am going to go.  I am gonna finish walking (I got a mile and a quarter to do) and then I will soak!  ALSO!  I am not sore today after two days at 3K I feel like i have more stamina now.

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