caught up in the story of everything

Today marks the end of my/our first cycle of actually trying to conceive (and the first day of the second).
Since it was our first really purposeful try, I’m not exactly sad that our efforts didn’t prove fruitful but I am a bit disappointed.

It’s bittersweet cuz I’d miss this period but I’d be in for a world of hurt later on. LOL plus the rollercoaster on the way to that destination…

One of my apps projected that my due date would be 5 March 2022 if I had gotten preggers this cycle and I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally do not want a March baby so I guess that’s a positive. Three of the four members of Hubby’s family were born in March and it’s TOO MUCH birthday for one month. Not to mention too much seeing them. Anyway, I would take an April baby over a March baby but only slightly because my birthday AND my mother-in-law’s birthday are both in April.

I kinda think I’ll pop early because my mom gave birth to me early but… who knows. Ultimately, I’ll take whatever since I don’t have that much control – I could have a March baby one way or another even if I did everything to avoid it. So. I’m just musing about preferences. Baby is the goal. Everything else is minutia.

I’ve kinda always find that I’d have twins if I have kids. Since I was small. Now that I’m 40+ the odds are in my favour. My great grandmother was also a twin, so that’s another check for the multiples column. I’m also coming out of a recent miscarriage which apparently increases the chances of twins — our friends D&C recently had twins after a miscarriage so there’s some weight to that evidence.

Those twins plus my cousin’s baby plus Hubby’s 19-year-old cousin’s baby make a total of FOUR babies I have yet to meet and cuddle because of this damn pandemic. One was just born. The other three are over a year old now. It’s so aggravating. I just wanna squish ’em!!!!

I know twins are a lot of work. However with my body and medical/health history, I’d prefer to only have to endure the pregnancy rollercoaster ONCE so I’m kinda hoping for twins. It would be nice to only have to give birth once! Of course, there are other options for adding to our family after the first one… Not opposed to those.

We had thought about a surrogate – even talked to one who had done it before (but wasn’t interested in doing it again), through Hubby’s work – but finding someone compatible and then figuring out $$$ and lawyer stuff… blech. We had a good friend who was willing and we were going to go ahead with that – literally, she was the ONLY person I/we would EVER consider to trust with that task AND generally deal with afterwards – but she is the same age as Hubby and her tests were not ideal. Tests she undertook on her own during regular medical check ups, not anything specifically for surrogacy. And then the pandemic happened. And then my pregnancy/miscarriage happened. And here we are.

Having originally been preggers at the same time as Hubby’s 19yo cousin was a mindfuck, lemme tell ya. I met her when she was two. Never dreamed she would have kids before me. Not that she should have, really. But that’s not my business. She’ll be a better mother than hers has been to her at least –  though that’s not a very high bar to hop over, in all honesty.

Anyway.

I think I’ve been way too attentive to my body and moods this month. I also think that I’m not quite back to pre-miscarriage Me. I don’t even know if I will go back there or if it will be a New Normal. So it’s hard not too get too caught up in the specifics of what usually precedes my monthly visitor… That’s the hardest part about chronic illness, I think – the fact that it fluctuates. Then you add Aunt Flo to the mix… Makes for fun times. #sarcasm

I got 20 preg tests with my kit of ovulation testers and used ’em all up this month. LMAO. I wanted to see how soon after seggs I would know I was pregnant (if I was pregnant). Then I was kinda hoping we could tell the important people at the Canada Day gathering we’re going to tomorrow. And I was also kinda hoping that I would find out I was pregnant on the very day the girl (31yo) I’ve been following on TikTok ended up birthing her baby. Well, she gave birth today and I started bleeding. I dunno. I just get caught up in the story of everything before it plays out and that’s not always conducive to mental health. So I gotta be careful going forward.

I ordered another 50 hcg tests today. LOL But I’m only going to take them when my app(s) tells me to next month. I’m gonna try to only take them when my app(s) tells me to at any rate.

This delay means I get more time to clean out, clean up and paint the spare room, at least, and to get around to a few little projects I don’t anticipate having the time or stamina to work on during pregnancy. Last pregnancy, I was SO TIRED – sleeping all the damn time. Like, it was so exhausting to wake up that I’d have to have a nap to recuperate!

Speaking of sleepy… off I go.