clueless.

I’ve been doing a little bit of thinking about the topic of my pervious entry. I talked to my best friend Emily about it for the first time in many years. I was never honest with her about my demons- not ever. I opened up to her about my eating disorder issues when we were younger, but as we got older it was embrassing that anything was still going on with me, let alone the fact that i’d used hard drugs. So I just never told her. Now its probably been 4 years since I mentioned anything about it.

She cried on the phone, i dont know why…it was weird…i wasn’t being serious about it, its just that she kept bringing up having a baby and saying that maybe paul and i needed to have a baby….and i had to make her understand why we weren’t quite ready yet. We have a couple things to tackle first, to put it lightly. Paul doesn’t see it this way.

Paul and I took the golf cart and went out to the beach last night, late, with a bunch of beers and our music playing. Just the 2 of us. It turned into a big discussion about our lives, where we are headed, where we want to go, and what we’re doing here. He wants to live in a big city, and I told him I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF WE DO THAT. He laughed and agreed that we’d be slamming dope but hey! its boring here and there is no social life! I sort of posed questions to him about that. He scoffed at any statement that made it seem like our lives were anything but drug free over the past several years. he has a different take on this than i do. he is an addict deep down, and he’s been to the bottom. What we’ve been doing is child’s play. He calls our lives drug free. What? I understand why he says that, but I said WAKE UP PAUL. We are not healthy.

"why? cuz we drink?"

"Well, theres the fact that we drink every single night- though thats nothing more than anyone else our age does. but we also spend months at a time snorting multiple oxy cottons a day every day. I dont think the average young person slams heroin every time they go to a big city. Normal tourists don’t go into Miami and pay the first bum they see to tell them where the ghetto is." He laughed, I laughed…it was funny. But I know i did get through to him a little bit about the way we live. Is it horrible? NO. Certainly not. We are not heavy users. We go through long periods of time where we dont use a thing. But I reminded him that he doesn’t work out *at all*, he has a stressful and physically demanding job, he doesnt have good sleeping patterns, he drinks every night, he eats like a teenage boy and he’s 30 years old, and to top it all off, we do occasioanlly go through phases of binges on opiates and/or a little bit of cocaine. All of this adds up to LACK OF OVERALL HEALTH. Do we have a drug problem? I think the *we* part makes that too hard to answer. My issues with drugs are completely different than his. We are on different levels with it. We haven’t used any drugs in probably 2 weeks or maybe more now. We’ve used one time since I wrote that last entry, so I don’t know where that puts us. But….we’ve also been dreaming and talking about it for those entire 2 weeks. We are very open and vocal about the fact that once the random piss test drops at work, we are going to get some oxys and we are going to go all out. We have stated that multilple times. We are being mature and responsible about our drug use, trying to be "safe" in many aspects, but we do continue to use drugs. We are just having fun, we are just using these drugs to party, and for all the reasons i’ve stated above….this is why i am so confused. I don’t know what it means. I am young. I don’t have children yet and I know its coming soon. I have a great job and i work really really fucking hard. I have fun with my friends and live it up, maybe blow an oxy before i go out. But then thats it. Its not a full blown problem. I’d be exaggerating if I said that it was. People with real drug problems would laugh at me. I’ve had real problems, and this is not one of them.

I dont fucking know. Obviously. I’m fine with it.

I do tend to obsess over things lately. Like for the past year. I’ve been getting caught up in this obsessions. I recently purchased a new bengal kitty that hasnt come home yet, and i’m obsessed with bengals. More on that later! I got hooked on twilight and became real obsessed a while back- like wanting to be reading it or reading about it online at every moment, even while i was away i’d be dreaming of getting back into that world. I’m cought up in some other stuff now too, that i daydream about all freakin day and its annoying. I swear its like an escape mechanism. I dive into the world of Hayley Williams, her amazing voice, focussing on that and the music and everything, and all the other bullshit of ady to day sorta fades to the background and i am more calm. But being so into something also causes a lot of anxiety for me. I feel anxious sometimes, like i can’t get enough. I want more more more!!! That is exactly the type of feeling that permiates my everyday life. Anxiety- wanting more- wanting to feel that surge of exciement and energy and happiness- in whatever aspect i can get it…

i am not thinking real clearly right now as i type this. I also hate to make myself out to sound like a fucking weirdo. I am really quite normal. I love my cat, i love my husband, i love my family, my work, my life, my friends (what little true friends i have right now), i am really funny, i am smart, i am compassionate, i care a lot about the people in my life and would do anything for any of them, i feel like sometimes i look pretty decent, other times i look like fucking ass but doesnt everyone, i have a lot to be thankful for….

i am confused though, just like anyone else. i have a lot of questions i wish i could answer on my own, but i cant. I wish sometimes i could speed up the clock, and other times i am scared my life is moving too fast. One thing i know for sure is that my husband and i share the same soul, and if i lost him i would lose everything. When he left this morning i was sleeping, but he put his arms around me and lifted me up a little out of the bed and kissed my neck, told me how much he loved me, then put me back the way i was sleeping. I woke up remembering that moment, and knowing deep down that what paul and i share is priceless and cannot be broken. No matter what weird stuff happens in our lives to throw us off, what we have together cannot be taken away from us. I have peace in that, and maybe thats why i don’t take the scary stuff too seriously. I feel safe because we are together and thats all that matters.

I dont know what will happen. I dont know where we will be after next year. I will keep thinking about all this though, and let you know when i figure it out.