Its so obvious that I’m chasing this feeling. Every time I start to feel a "high", a sense of elation, a frenzy or chaos inside my head that is stimulating in a good way… during day to day life… in my head I think "there it is…!…" and I try to hold onto it with everything I have…then I feel it fade away. Inevitably. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance. I miss drugs. Its not fair that because Paul feels like its time to get CLEAN, as in a squeaky-clean literal sense of the word clean, that I have to suffer. I don’t face the horrible downward spiral that he does, because I don’t eat 3 methadone and go into work. I CAN’T. So, I am responsible with it all. So why do I have to suffer through this now? I shouldn’t say the word "suffer" because I’m not "suffering", but I’m irritated that I have no release, no escape. I am trapped in my damn head all the time now, when at least before I could run away for a while. That’s an innocent enough request. Shit, everybody else does it too, in their own way.
This is me basking in the sun like someone who is going crazy working 6 days a week under florescent lights and an enormous load of pressure. But this was a great day, though I was sick that day from overdoing it the night before.
I still don’t know if I’ve found the words to discuss the court case Monday afternoon. But if I wait too long, I will never find those words at all. A few words I can use at this time, in chronological order:
panic, fear, paranoia, diarrhea, anxiety
frustration, more panic, hurry
quiet, alone, restless
anxious, wonder, suprise….
and then I start to block it all out. The middle is a jumble and something I’ll have to come back to.
the end, JUSTICE. victory. JUSTICE. peace. shock. PEACE. JUSTICE.
More to follow. I need to go read and relax my brain.