go get your shovel

and we’ll dig a deep hole….

 

i’m drunk! And i’m just BURSTING!

OK I’m not drunk, per se. I’ve been drinking. And a lot has happened. Both good and bad I guess. Not all these things have "HAPPENED" per se, either. Just stuff. And things.

My grandpa passed on into his next life. I say it like that because I know in my deepest of hearts that its true. Its true like that. I know where he is. There was never any doubt. My grandpa was an amazing man. I still don’t know if its hit me that he’s gone.

It never did HIT me through the process that was his funeral. it was like, "hello, he’s gone." then it was "say goodbye now". Then it was "no really, there he goes- better say goodbye for good." And "OH SHIT". Then it was "lets deal with real life without him".

And now its back to real life. Working, sleeping, working, etc. And driving home in the BEAUTIFUL fall crispness that I love so much, and suddenly remembering. I don’t want to forget what it was like- I don’t want to forget going home for his funeral, the ceremony itself, the celebration of his 94 precious years that he cherished–but thats the kind of person I am. I push things back and I down right REFUSE to deal with them. I do that with virtually everything. I resist it all.

I’ve never experienced death before this. Not REALLY. Not real death, not hearing about how someone physically died, every detail….not seeing someone’s face in a casket, their arms neatly folded over their body.

I didn’t attend the viewing. Not on purpose either. But I subconsiously knew a part of me couldnt handle that, and had no interest in trying. I did catch an off guard glimpse of his pale white face and skinny bird’s nose, his small hands folded over one another on his chest. I didn’t like that, and I said it out loud. I said, "thank God THAT’S over," the second they closed the casket and began moving his body towards the line up of family that was ready to process after him into the church. I didn’t know I would have to see him that day, and I wasn’t prepared to.

But I know I wont forget his life. I still think he’s here really, thats how much I remember life WITH him, with him in it, all of us and grandpa and how he was the center of our universe. I wonder how my dad is doing. I need to send a card to my grandma. Gosh that was one of the hardest parts. I remember when my grandma entered the church, WAY later than everyone else–we were standing out in the vestibuile talking, thinking, trying not to cry, and then a burst of cold autumn air rushed in. And I turned to look- the double doors flew open and there was my grandma in her wheel chair, being pushed by a couple of her children, everyone moving aside for her. The guest of honor. I wonder what she was thinking during all this. She’s like me, and resists everything- doesn’t show a single emotion, until we see the tears streak down her face, at the oportune time, and we know that YES, she’s feeling it right there with us. What anyone would assume about us, but still wonder….its true. Then you feel stupid for wondering. Of course its true. Of course she’s grieving. Stubburn Grandma, always on his ass– of COURSE she is grieving over the loss of her husband of 72 years. Then we feel bad for questioning if she is feeling any of this the way we are. She’s feeling is WORSE. What things were like during these 72 years of life don’t matter when you get to the end. None of us really know the heart of what it what like for the 2 of them.

UGHCK! I’ve been drinking, a little too much.

I hope i’ve given myself whatever I need to accept this and cope with it, absorb it. I never do with bad things, especially. I hope I have with this. I don’t want to wake up a year from now and say, "Oh my gosh, my grandpa is dead! Where was I during his funeral??" I was there. I just want to process it somehow.

I wish I had time.

Work is……a lot. Again. But I accept it and its a lot easier to deal with when you know you’re leaving in 2 months. In 2 months I am moving to Florida with my amazing husband. Ever since we got back from our 5 day trip to Michigan (home), I haven’t seen him but for 2 hours. LITERALLY! Which is of course OK, but of course it makes me "miss" him again. I’m asleep when he gets home. And he’s asleep when I wake up. And he texts me during the day, but I don’t see him. Which makes me think, HMMM. We are so close. We text each other during the day, always instigated by him, which means we are connected to each other all day, even when apart, and we’re thinking of each other mutually.

When we were at his parents house, just one evening before we drove 12 hours back here, all they talked about was vodoo spells that would get me pregnant. Of course they were kidding– and really it wasn’t his mom, it was his dad. He wants a baby boy out of us BADLY!!!! I laughed, felt uncomfortable and embarassed, but then I gave in and talked about childbirth and being pregnant and all that goes with it. Paul wants to do this in Florida, plan it so that we deliver in the summertime when we are off work. I resist sometimes, but we both know i’m still thinking about it. I outwardly fight it though. Maybe im split in half. Part of me knows better, I know that. Just not sure which part yet.

Now i’ve overdone it, and I can’t do anything but listen to paramore and drink. Until next time.

 

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it’s getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it’d be like
To find perfection in the pride
To see nothing in the light
But turn it off in all my spite, in all my spite
I’ll turn it off

And the worst part is, before it gets any better
We’re headed for a cliff
Then in the free fall I will realize
I’m better off when I hit the bottom

The tragedy it seems unending
I’m watching everyone I looked up to breaking, bending
Taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well I can see behind the curtain
The wheels are cranking turning
It’s all wrong the way we’re working
Towards a goal, that’s nonexistent, it’s nonexistent
But we just keep believing