going through the motions.

I have about a half hour before I have to get out of my office and close down upstairs, so I thought I’d write. i don’t know exactly what to write about, but my head is all fucked up lately.

I was all excited to get some new clothes, something i havent done in a long time, but it totally killed my mood yesterday. I left the department store depressed as shit and I dont know why, becuase I know its got to be more than how fat i looked in that fucking mirror. I looked damn awful but that can’t be the only reason. I did really good eating yesterday and have so far today too. That usually makes me feel better. I also bought some new vitamins my Chiropractor recomended I take, but I feel like shit today too. Tired and generally lethargic. I slept OK last night so…what the fuck? I’m just pissed. Whatever.

My back and hip hurt so bad still, even though I saw the DR yesterday. I’m going back tomorrow after work to get fitted for orthodics and get adjusted again or at least to see how i did with the adjustment yesterday.

Maybe I miss my mom. And home. I dont know.

Oh, good news. My mom warned me yesterday that my grandpa is on his last leg and it could be anytime now. his birthday is Aug 5 and no one thinks he’ll make it till then. he’s like 94, turning 95? I could be a little off. But I remember his 90th birthday…the year paul and I met…so yeah he’d be 95 or 96 this year. GREAT. Love that! Love funerals!! Love that the PATRIARCH of our family is finally leaving us, something we’ve known was coming for ages. Its like, the start of a new era. The "post-grandpa" years. Like, "well…back when dad was still alive we used to…" etc. "Now that dad’s gone we don’t…" etc. I’m not looking forward to that. Its like the end of my childhood or something. All over again.

I told my mom that I want to think on the bright side about this. I said, "well at least I will get to come home and see the family!" Its true. Its morbid and sick, but true. At least Paul and I will be given off work and we will get to come home and see our family. I’m nervous though- my brother is away working at a camp. Will he make it home for the funeral?????? It would NOT be the same without Joe. No No No. I wonder who all would make it up for that. I hope everyone. This is the first major death in our entire family. he is, like I said, the patriarch. He is the glue. He IS our family.

And of course grandma would go shortly after. The siblings are still ironing out what we are going to do with her after his passing. God I hate how this feels. I know everyone goes through it and I’m lucky I haven’t had to yet.

10 more minutes. Man I just want to go home. I’m not feeling very 5-star today. So i might as well not be here. We are only about being 5star.

I am such a fat ass. I don’t even let my husband touch me much anymore, let alone bang me. I know it sucks. I don’t know where my sex drive has gone lately! I’ve told him as much, but that doesn’t stop him from being obnoxious. Can’t blame him. I suck. I can’t remember the last time I gave him a blow job. I should go home and get really high and send him dirty texts, and then just give in to it when he gets home, even though I wont REALLY feel like it. I hate that. Last time we had sex I totally didnt feel like it, and it was the most literal expression of "going through the motions" I have ever experienced.

Time to go….

wow im lame.