Here we go! The begining.

Well, it happened. I am pregnant!

I will start from the begining. I was 2 days away from getting my period and it was my day off work. I was about to go for a run, when I got distracted. I had no symptoms and no reason to think I was pregnant. I started thinking about how my pregnancy tests said they could detect the hormones 6 days before your missed period, and I was only 2 days away. So why not test? Just for fun. I doubt I am pregnant but why not.

And I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. Is that a faint line?? There was something there, like a shadow of a line. Maybe its just a mark where the pink dye would go if indeed i was pregnant (but im not). I got nervous and plugged myself into my ipod and went for my run.

I couldnt run, I could just walk. I felt bloated and heavy and tired. Could it be? I was full of anxiety. My thoughts were racing the entire time I was out there. I walked on the beach as it got closer to sunset, thinking it would help calm me down. I turned off the music so I could listen to the waves instead. It didnt work. All I could hear was the sound of my own voice in my head. I was scared and excited and happy and SCARED all at the same time. But, I also didnt want to get my hopes up. I was scared about that too. Being dissapointed if it was nothing.

The next morning I popped out of bed right away to test using my first morning urine, which they say is the most concentrated when you are trying to test. There it was again, the faint line. It looked about the same as yesterday, but the longer I waited the darker it got. Just a hair darker than the day before. But darker. My heart skipped a beat but I had to remain calm. I didnt even tell Paul. This could be nothing. This could be how my previous tests have looked too, but they were so faint maybe I didnt see it. This time, maybe I am fishing for something that isnt there. I knew I had to just wait until tomorrow.

But I posted the pictures online to some other women who are trying to get pregnant. Eyes needed! I said. Do you see a line??

The results were overwhelmingly affirmative. Yes, they could clearly see a line on both tests, the 2nd one a little darker. "thats a positive! Congrats! Happy and Healthy 9 months!!"

Whoa, slow down!! What!?!? I’m pregnant!? No!

I still didnt tell Paul. I didnt believe it! It didnt sink in, and plus, it could go away at the drop of a hat. This could end up being a chemical pregnancy and my period could come on time. I wasnt even late yet.

On the day my period was due, I took another test in the morning. 3rd day in a row of testing. This test was still very faint, but yes it was darker than all the rest. That morning i was scheduled to go in for some blood work as part of my pre-pregnancy screening to make sure I am healthy. I talked to the lady that drew my blood. She wasnt allowed to do a blood pregnancy test because my dr. hadn’t ordered it for me, but I told her my story. She said that if the pregnancy hormone is there, you will get the line. It cant show up if the hormone is not there. If the line is faint, it just means there isnt a lot of the hormone there yet. After all, it was very early and my period wasnt even late. She said she would take it as "pregnant" for sure. Even a faint positive is still a positive. She said just test again and if the line is getting darker and darker, its a go!

I walked in the door at home and Paul was there. I knew I had to tell him and I was nervous. I didnt make eye contact with him, I just set my stuff down and started taking off my shoes as he started talking to me.

"So are you pregnant or what?"

"Yep" I said casually.

"WHat…???"

"Yep"

"NO YOURE NOT!!!!’ "yES I AM!!!!"

"No wayy!!!!!!!!!!" He grabbed me and kissed me and said "Im going to be a dad!" He was so excited. We talked for a while before we had to work about who we should tell and who we definately shouldnt.

The only people who know at this point are both of our parents, a couple of our best friends who live out of state, and our 1 close friend here, Dave. No one from work knows and I have to keep it that way. Our rule of thumb has been if we would tell them that we had a misscarriag and need their support, then its ok to tell them we are pregnant. If it would be awkward to tell them we had a misscarriage, then we shouldnt say anything. Its still a possibility. I am only 5 weeks now. Miscarraiges are so common in the first 12 weeks. My OB wont even see me until then. Its going to be really hard to keep our mouths shut, but I know we have to. Especially with work. I am getting a raise and promotion at the end of the week, God willing, and this could jepordize that.

Anyway, I need someplace to share my excitement since I cant talk to anyone about it! Except Paul of course. I really want to journal this experience so I dont forget it. Its not something that happens to you very many times in life (unless you are Mrs. Duggar from that 19 kids and counting show!). Its a special time and I dont want it to pass me by. My mom disagrees, but she is not like me. She said this part of my pregnancy especially wont matter at all once the baby comes. She said live in the moment, and there is no need to document the moment because later on down the road you really shouldnt be dwelling on it. I dont think like that at all. Journaling is important with pregnancy–its once in a lifetime. Why woudlnt you want to remember it????

So far I have light cramps off and on, which I’ve had since 4 days before I found out. I am highly volitile and get easilly aggitated, worse than i ever have in my life! PMS moodiness doesnt even compare. I’m not moody, because i only have 2 emotions. Blissfully at peace and happy, Or extrememly pissed off to the point of near tears. Thats it. There is no in between! Damn I get worked up.

Also, I am really tired at night. Tired is not really the word for it. Its more like at a certain point in the evening I feel like I just took a sleeping pill. Its like that artificial surface level tired you feel when you take an ambien or nyquil or something. I fall asleep very quickly and sleep like a rock. Its nice. But I know this fatigue is only going to get worse and I worry about work. I hit a brick wall at the end of my 14 hour day and I cant function at work anymore. I will have to power through it!

My boobs hurt too. I am still running and working out through my pregnancy, like my Doctor did herself and like she told me to do as well. I am going to have to invest in some serious sports bras! But its already kinda nice having bigger boobs! I’ve never had those before 🙂 They arent big yet but I can tell they are growing. Haha.

Paul is really excited too. His mom is annoying me a little bit already with her frequent text messages. She wants me to get a webcam so she can "watch the belly grow". I wanted to tell her its MY belly, not THE belly. Its certainly not HER belly and I’m not going to be lifting up my shirt over an internet camera for her everyday. I dont have time to talk on the phone much, let alone webcam. I only have 1 day off a week- when does she think we are going to webcam? Im not into it. I will send her pictures.

I know that sounds h

arsh, but I am crabby lately! I love Linda but I have to set healthy boundries for her all the time because she thinks she has total access to me and paul’s life without an invitation.

My mom on the other hand is a debbie downer. She said right away that she hopes nothing goes wrong. THat was like the first thing she said. Then she went into how common misscarraiges were with your 1st. I told her I knew that, and she said "But youre excited." Yes mom I’m excited! Duh! What, you dont want me to be? She told me not to get TOO excited because it might not last forever. Oh geeze. Give me a break. I am aware of the risks but I am not going to dwell on the bad possibilities. What ever happened to her advice on enjoying the PRESENT MOMENT??

She doesnt call me when she says she will either. I have to call her. And she’s already got weird underlying jealousy issues about Pauls parents being more involved. Its her own fault if she is not involved. I call her all the time, I want her to be a part of this. I dont like that we live in different states any more than she does. But sulking and being stand offish arent going to make it any better. I am just going to have to be honest with her about how I feel, and also understanding. I am her only daughter and her oldest. Of course she is a little sad that we arent closer for my pregnancy. But I dont like her negative comments or her judgements.

I had always talked about having her and Paul in the room with me when I delivered, even before I was pregnant. But her and Paul dont get along that well, and with the way she’s been acting lately i’m getting a sense of what this might be like throughout the whole expereince. My friends have said they wished it would have been only them and their husband in the room when they delivered and now I see why! We will see how this goes. Mothers are nuts and I dont expect much to change over the next 8 months! I should focus on me, my husband, and my growing baby and not worry so much about the 2 of them! oy!

I cant wait until my next Dr apt when we get to hear the heartbeat. Of course, I still realize that we may get there and there isnt one at all. I’ve told Paul that too. Im not high risk and there is no reason to worry. But I dont want to relax completely just yet. 5 weeks is nothing!

I get really stressed out at work and Im trying my best to cool down. Even before I was pregnant I was stressed at work. Help is on the way and getting this raise will also help things 🙂

Time to go for a run…i am trying to do this pregnancy without the massive weight gain! 🙂

 

E

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November 16, 2010

Congrats! That is soooo exciting! I had the same panic that SOMETHING was going to go wrong, but I think that is a normal part of being preggo. We start worrying about our child the moment sperm meets egg. You know what that meens? It means you are a MOMMY! Wishing you luck!

congrats bbae pingwing

November 16, 2010

ohhhhh emmm gee!! I so excited for you!! A little jealous though, I can’t wait to have a baby. I can’t wait to hear all about your pregnancy experience! 🙂 YAY!!

November 16, 2010

AHHHHHH congrats honey! Look at you, going for a run. I want to be a mommy like you when it’s my turn 🙂 I am so glad you are going to docoument lots! I can’t wait to be a part of the journey. And omg, your mom sounds JUST like mine…all around…ugh i can so sympathize. It almost feels like a jealous older sister. ANYWAY congrats! tell us more 🙂

November 17, 2010

i kept a journal while preg with my son..an actual paper journal and it so fun to go back and look at it to compare to my current (2nd) pregnancy…and to realize he loved the spicy food even in utero! LOL