Past 2 months, in a nutshell. *pics

I have been so busy and stressed that I haven’t written. I guess after we went to court at the end of July I couldn’t write anymore- I just put my head into my work and into the present and shut off my creative side for a little while. Not because of that directly, but that triggered it and I haven’t gotten back into anything since because of work. I will bullet a few things out to give a brief update.

So, court. To make a LONG story short, Paul’s previous conviction of attempted extortion was up for expungement this year and we got to have a hearing to get it taken off his record. It was supposed to be painless; we got a lawyer and everything was supposed to be simple. Then out of nowhere, "the bitch" (this girl Paul dated WAY before me, who pressed the original kidnapping charges against him after their nasty break up) decided to come to the hearing and protest the expungment. WHAT!?!?! It was a total shock. Its been like at least 7 or 8 years since they were in court together the first time, and longer than that since they’ve had any contact. Neither one knows what the other has been up to. So anyway, it was traumatizing to even get ready that morning (for Paul, mostly, and I tried to steady him) and get ourselves to that court room (we appeared via satellite and the bitch was in Michigan in the actual court room) let alone see that whore on a big screen tv right in front of our faces. Paul sobbed through the whole thing, and I screamed at the TV while the bitch told the courts how Paul forced her to perform falacio (sp?) on him, smacked her, drug her behind a car, and sexually assaulted her with a screw driver. Of course none of these things are true but there are no words for how it makes you feel when someone is saying these things about you under oath and you have to sit there defenselessly and witness everyone actually listening to them when you want to SCREAM. Paul eventually put his head down on the table and cried into the wood while I stroked his back and repeated, over and over, "you were not convicted of any of this. This is an expungement hearing. What she is saying has NO BEARING on anything. She never said this in court the first time. Don’t worry. They’re not listening. Don’t worry. Its lies! Don’t worry." I felt like this bitch was standing over my husband stabbing him, and I had to sit there and watch.

The judge granted the expungment, and in the end no one WAS listening to that bitch. She rambled on for 30 minutes and made herself look stupid (it was clear to everyone that she was lying, but they let her speak her mind), when she would have gotten her way if she had said things that were more realistic and kept it to 10 minutes or less. When the judge ended the hearing, we looked at each other for a long time with our red eyes and tear stained cheeks, and then we burst into hysterical laughter. Paul hugged me so tightly I fell out of my chair and into his lap. He kept saying, "I love you so much" over and over, and I could do nothing but cry. "I told you she was crazy!!!" he said. "I know you did, but I had NO idea."

So we celebrated that but we were shell shocked for a few days (pic is me slamming Krug out of the bottle at the beach later that day in celebration). We’re better now and life goes on. With that expungment we were able to start aggressively applying for jobs and were free to fill out background checks. Which led to our job offer for Florida becoming more of a reality.

I’ve mentioned it on here before, but some of the people we’ve worked with here at the G wanted Paul to come down to Florida and work with them after graduation in Nov. They paid for our flight down to check it out; they put us up in a cottage and paid for everything we did and ate. It was a blast….we were out on the F&B directors boat, ate at cabbage key (only accessible by boat!) and drank white wine on the beach in the dark. Some aspects of this process were hard for me; Paul was the star and I was someone they had to make "fit into the puzzle" in order to get Paul. This pissed me off severely but I ended up with a great job offer out of the deal a few days after we got home. The basically created a job for me which is pretty cool I guess, since its something I’m really excited about doing. I will talk more on the details later.

So graduation is in NOV and right after that, we are moving to Florida!

View from the boat as we pulled out of the marina.

But for now, I have to focus on the task at hand which is WORK at the G. Its a lot, and its stressful, and I find myself feeling pissed off more often that I’d like. When I am mad about something or irritated, I feel so damn uncomfortable! I like to be energized and happy and excited. I hate having things on my chest. But there is not much I can do about it. Work is work, and I need to focus on doing my best and doing what is expected of me, and trying to leave my personal thoughts at home where they belong and just bust my ass! I don’t want to be like "well I’m leaving in 2 months so fuck it." Because that kind of attitude sucks. But when things go wrong at work lately, I find myself using that internally as my defense mechanism against getting upset or worked up about anything. I guess that’s not a horrible thing to do. It does feel nice to say I get to leave the bullshit behind in 2 months, no matter what happens now! But it was really hard for me to make this decision to commit to leaving–don’t get me wrong. When I first got back from our 2 day flash trip to Florida, I wanted to cry when I walked through the halls at work. I saw so many people I respect and admire and I felt so valued, unlike the way I felt in Florida at first. I know I have so many incredible opportunities here if I stay, but ya know what, right now I am saying fuck everything else; I am doing something for the sake of LIFE and LIVING IT rather than being a slave to my career. This move is going to be good for my career too, maybe not the BEST thing I could do, but would staying be? Who knows. But we can’t stay here. It doesn’t matter anymore. This is what’s going to save me and Paul and our happiness. Paul needs this so badly. I wonder what Paul will be like now, free of the stress and confinement of being an apprentice here??? Wow- I hope he’ll be like he is when we’re at home. Its been so long since I’ve seen Paul truly truly happy for a good length of time, for more than just a vacation or time away from work.

Drinking on the beach at night 🙂

He really wants to have a baby next year too, which is my next topic. On the one hand, I feel we are ready for this as a couple and I am ready for this personally. But, what is the RUSH??? There is no good reason to make that kind of decision right now as opposed to waiting another year or even two. He would like to get settled there for a few months (our insurance kicks in after 90 days which Paul arranged wi

th HR; normally you wait a year at this property) and then start trying. Why not live there for a full year? I’m going to push for that I think. Of course I want to start our family together, and I think he will make an amazing dad, and I know I’d pull off motherhood pretty well even today, but I don’t want to have any regrets about doing this too early. My mom lives in Michigan and we will be in Florida. To me, when it comes to starting a family, THAT TOTALLY SUCKS. There is nothing I’m going to be able to do about that though, not in the next 5 years even. While I wish for nothing more than to move to TC, buy a house and have a baby, I don’t see how that’s going to be possible. There are no jobs for Paul there, not the caliber of jobs he is up for now. He is a sous chef at a world class historical resort. What could he do in a smaller town that is better than that? I’d like to look into it for the future but he knows that. My ultimate goal, no matter when we can achieve it, is to move to TC. End of story.

So we’ll see what happens. No matter what, we’ll be fine. But I’d like to make things as perfect as I can.

In other news, I have gotten so fat over the past few months, its INSANE. I haven’t been this fat in years, no joke. I think 2006 when I was trying birth control for the first time I was this size. Well, maybe not. its hard to have any perspective on something you’re so pissed off about. I haven’t worked out much (not in the gym anyway) since I got this job around mother’s day. that’s over 3 months without the gym. So I’m sure that how this happened. I’ve been more lenient on my diet too, while still eating very healthy I’ve let some sugars slip in there way more often than I normally do. I’ve been more stressed over these past 3 months than I have ever been. All these things, now that I see them together, are clearly where I went wrong. I just don’t know how to get back on the wagon! I need to get myself into the gym, but its so hard when I’m tired everyday and stressed. I work 6 days a week, 10 hours a day on average, sometimes more but always at least 8, and when I get home I don’t want to do anything but read a book, clean up the house, and sit on my ass. If I work an evening shift, I let myself sleep in instead of working out because I am so behind on sleep I feel the constant need to catch up. I have to think of some new way to get myself exercising again. I can’t just go to the gym and start my same old routine. I was thinking of running around the outdoor track at the park, either in the evenings or before 1 on the days I work dinner shift. SOMETHING. God its so sickening and in just over 2 months I will be living in Florida and NEED a bikini body at all times. That fucking thought scares me to death!!!!!! I have been tightening up my diet the past few days, and I can feel that I’m ready to get it together slowly but surely.

On the friend scene, Kerri has been pretty cool lately and its nice to have her as a friend again. I don’t let it get too deep or anything, but we really have been cool lately. Megan and I have drifted a little bit since we work at diff places now. And also, I convinced her to get therapy one night because of how bad her relationship is with her husband Scott, and I don’t know if she went or not, but right after that discussion things were "fine" again and she acted weird around me. Its obvious why. She doesn’t want me to think she’s stupid…she thinks I wont believe her when she says things are good between them because it never lasts long…she decides not to tell me anything instead of trying to explain and make excuses for him…its a repeating pattern. but I still call her and try to let her know I love her regardless. I’ve always shown her that. I don’t care what’s really going on, as long as she’s happy I’m happy. As for Emily, she has a new boyfriend now. He is one of Eric’s closest friends. They met before Eric died and got close after. Only recently have they started seeing each other on a more than friends level. Its long distance so they are taking it slow anyway. If she’s happy, I’m happy. I’m actually really glad she found someone. They seem really close. I know she can talk to him about Eric and I bet that’s comforting. I still don’t know how she does it. I worry that we are drifting apart and I still wish I could go out there and see her. I think I will try to make the trip in October or something, before I move to FL.

Things with Paul and I are great of course. He is a fantastic husband and I am lucky. We are extremely close and things we’ve been through this year have only heightened that.

I have to get ready for work, but those are the most recent updates anyway.