~*I Survived This Week*~

Hey guys…What’s up? Nothing much here, just chillin’…

It’s been a long while sinse I updated this poor diary…but I will say that things are getting low like they were near the end of last year (2004)…and I think it has a lot to do with my medication. I’m starting to feel “unworthy” of anything. It kinda sucks….I don’t know where to start…

Well, me and Michael got in a HUGE fight the other day. We are cool now, but we weren’t that day. I’m not gonna get into details, but something happened that made it to where Michael  wanted to have sex with me. Well, I told him that I couldn’t do that because I wasn’t ready…he got a little mad. We started arguing and he was telling me that I say one thing, but mean another…and I got mad that he said that because I don’t mean to do any of the “sexual” stuff (STILL a virgin, yall…don’t get me wrong…) and I yelled something at him that I to this day regret with a passion. I told him “Well, why would I want to have sex with you anyway if you can’t even decide who you really care for?! First you tell me that you love me and then later you tell me that you kinda like this other girl…making it sound like you are using me or something”…maybe it wasn’t exactly like that, but that was basically what I said.
The argument got worse. He started to cry over the phone, which was so weird because I had never actually heard him actually get upset before. Then he tells me “Amber, I would NEVER use you…EVER! I care so much for you…How can you say that? When I was around you for Warmth and the Winter retreat, I fell so deeply in love with you! How could I use you?!”
…I finally realized  what I said and I told him that I was very sorry…but at first he didn’t believe me. He thought I was just saying that to get him to shut up. So the fight basically lasted a full 24-hours, maybe. Then we both apologized and said that we were sorry for fighting and we heard eachother out about what was on our minds…and now we are coold again.
…Well the NEXT day (yesterday), I was in a total depression state. I mean, I was sooo depressed that my whole self-esteem seemed to crash down below sea-level. After school, I called Michael…but he wasn’t there at first so I called Carl and talked to him a little bit….but not long. Then Michael calls me back and we are starting to talk and what not and he was telling me that he was going to get Michael Merryman (another dude from our church)…then I just started to feel like my heart was breaking COMPLETELY! I just lost it…I don’t know WHAT happened. I felt empty inside and lost.  I had thoughts about killing myself. Michael finally asked me what I was doing and I told him, randomly… “About to go in the kitchen and take some old pills…I don’t care about my life anymore…” He automatically was like “What” and I hung up the phone on him and walked in the kitchen and grabbed the pills. I poured me a glass of water RIGHT when Michael called me again. He said “Amber, I’m coming over! Please don’t hurt yourself…Let me come over so I can talk to you, please”. I started crying because I felt relieved. I just realized that I was doing a foolish act. I don’t want to kill myself…EVER! I want to be next to God’s throne when I die. I want to be next to him when I die and be happy for the rest of my life…

Well, I told him he could come over…and he did. We talked a little bit and he cheered me up completely. I love hiim sooo much! I’m glad that he did what he did. I’m really happy he was there for me to talk to…
…now that I think about what I said about killing myself, it scares me. I don’t want to die yet…I realize that now. This was the same thing Carl and Kim’s friend, Stephanie, tried to do and told Carl about it because she wrote a whole entry on it and almost died because of it. I think if it wasn’t for Carl, she wouldn’t have survived. I don’t EVER want to do that! I want to live to tell people about how I survived my experiences…and influence others that they TOO can make it through life..and I’m starting to get all emotional over this…..I want people to see that anyone can go through a hell that is so hard to imagine, unless it was experienced by that person……anyone can go through that….and ANYONE can survive it. I surviced…..and I want others to notice that me, my brother….my WHOLE FAMILY went through hell….and we made it! No one has the right to take their own lives away. God only says so when he says “Time to come home, my child..”

I need to remember the words from the bible when it says “The Lord is my rock and my salvation” (Psalm 18:2)…that is my favorite verse. I need to remember that ALWAYS! I should have NEVER said that to Michael because it REALLY hurt him…and his mom called my mom worried half to death because his mom literally adores me (so I hear) because Michael was extremely upset when he went home….I need to apologize to him when he gets home from work.

Well, I need to go. I’ve wrote enough of an entry. I love you all. Please pray for me tonight that I can feel as lifted by God as I was in the past. I love you all soo much! Take care and God bless you all ALWAYS!

Much Love Always,
~Amber~

P.S. Like my angel picture at the very top? I put it up there so I can be inpired by my Lord and savior that he has done sooo much for me ^_^. I love him sooo much!