letter to Alexandra…

Dear Alexandra,

It’s hard to believe that by the time you get the chance to read this letter you may very well be getting ready to have children of your own. As I type this, you are with Grandma and Grandpa Nay. They both love you very much and love to spend time with you. I wanted to let you know about your birth story. You came early, as I’m sure I will tell you when you get older. A whole four weeks early! Pregnancy for me wasn’t as "wonderful" as people told me it should be. For a long time, I had wanted to be pregnant. Daddy and I both wanted you so badly for so long and it seemed unbelieveable when we found out you would be joining our family. I went through the pregnancy carrying you full of fear. I was constantly afraid that I would lose you somehow. That something wrong would happen. I guess that’s why I wasn’t jumping for joy constantly. I felt like I was always half asleep. Every appointment I went to I begged you to move in me prior to so I would know you were still okay. You never moved as much as most doctors would expect you to. I came later to find out that was because of your position in me. You were a frank breech. This meant that you were not head down and your legs were by your head. That made mommy very uncomfortable.

On May 25th I was at work and started feeling cramps. I didn’t think too much of it until they started coming stronger. That’s when I started timing them and realized they were five minutes apart. I had told two people that day (a co-worker and my vice principal) that I was ready for you at any time. That I wanted you to come early. However, it never crossed my mind that you would. When I got home, I called the doctor. She asked me to come in and told me to have someone drive me. Again, I didn’t think anything much of the cramps and decided to drive myself. I called daddy and he met me at the office. They hooked me up to a machine to see the contractions. Though I felt horrible cramps, they told me that I wasn’t having contractions. My doctor told me that I could go home and wouldn’t need to come to my scheduled appointment the next day. However, I really felt horrible and told daddy that if they told me to leave I would go to the emergency room as things weren’t right. Finally, the doctor checked my cervix and told me that I was dialated and 100% effaced. That meant that my water was ready to break. He took me in for a sonogram and saw that you were breech. Then he told me that I was going to have you that day. I was shocked. I felt like crying as I was so overwhelmed. Up until that point you had been a dream. You weren’t real to me until that second.

They took me up to prepare me for a c-section. Because you were breech they had to get you out soon. They hooked me up when I got to the labor ward and saw that I was contracting–they had put the sensors in the wrong place when I had been in the office. I changed, got into bed and my water broke. I was five centimeters dilated. I knew you were coming, but it was a blur. They took daddy out to change into scrubs and made me drink something. I was hooked up to IV’s and taken to the operating room. I don’t remember much as I was in horrible pain. The nurse said it would get worse because my water broke. I was given an epidural and then slowly my body went numb. I felt like freaking out and I had to really almost go out of body in order to retain my sanity as it was so overwhelming to not feel anything on the lower part of my body. I don’t remember much, Alexandra. I do remember that they pulled you out and I didn’t hear a cry. I was worried until I finally heard you. They brought you to me wrapped up and the first time I saw you I couldn’t believe how beautiful you were. You had the biggest blue eyes when you looked at mommy. They took you with daddy to the nursery. Apparently you were so breech that your feet were behind your ears.

You’ve had quite a life so far, baby. You had a horrible couple of months. The first month you cried constantly as you had reflux and the doctor didn’t treat you for it. You also had colic. I stayed up all nights, existing on two to three hours a sleep a day taking care of you. You wouldn’t let me put you down at all. You wanted mommy to hold you constantly.  But now. Now you are so beautiful and such a happy baby. You smile. When I walked in the room today you smiled at me. A huge grin. I love you so much. It hurts to leave you. Mommy goes back to work next week and I’ll miss you so much. I hate the fact that we live in a place where I have to work too in order to survive. Someday I want to move so I can spend more time with you. I know grandma and grandpa will take good care of you and they will be so good to you when I’m at work. But for now, know that I love you more than anything in this world.

Love,

Mommy