Girl, pick your scattered brains up!
First and foremost, I am feeling sad and disgusted over myself for feeling miserable with the thought that I never belong or that I’m just nobody.
Well, my husband and his big family made me feel this, okay? I have no control or whatsoever to them for doing and making me feel this way. His family never really made me feel like I belong within the circle especially the sister-in-law. Same goes with his other relatives in which case sucks as well. Why I ended up writing in here instead of playing mobile games or watching Tiktok videos has something to do with the long distance relationship with my husband. A few days back, his internet on board ship was kind of a mess and we were trying video call each other. His call didn’t go through and all his messages took time to get delivered. So, I got a little frustrated and I took it out on him. But you know my husband is and will always be dumb as fuck and never tried to call me back again. Instead of waking up early in the morning to reattempt the video call, he just went right through work and didn’t bother. I got frustrated even more. A while ago, we had an altercation telling him all my insecurities (like lots of lying, still in love with his ex which I only later discovered, and many more) within the relationship which were all his faults. And I asked him if he could video call me so that everything will be back to normal, I go back to feeling normal. But in this case, he said no and later if I’m back to being in a good mood. Well, what do you expect from a wife with this kind of reply? Outrageous and dumb husband! How could he plainly say something like that as if I’m nobody? As if I don’t need him to do something as simple as video call to make me feel okay or just simply have a conversation with his wife? Nope! Nada!
Tell me self, tell me universe, what should I do with this kind of guy? I’ve been married to him for one and a half year only and I’m already thinking of annulling it. But this is not simple because I’m using his surname in all of my IDs. I’m right for thinking an annulment is the solution because I know deep inside and I could tell as clear as day he doesn’t love as much or enough. I’ve done and given all for him. But, what did I get? Nothing but pain right? I’m being rejected by the sole person whom I hoped him is my significant half. He’s clearly trying to be insignificant in some ways.
Before, I’m used to be cold-hearted like I don’t use my heart and uses only my brain. I seldom feel a little. Work has been my comfort but when COVID struck, I got stuck with my insensitive, stubborn and good for nothing husband. He got me influenced. Oh, did I forget to mention that gaslighting people is his forte? Now you know! Now, I feel like this awful overly emotional woman and he is the rock-hard stone man! Well, he is just an ISPJ and I am an INTJ in the Myers Brigg 16 Personalities. See?! I am using my brain all the time but I’m just in this dark corner for I have nothing yet like work (I’ll be joining him soon in the ship which is a problem) and money (I’ll have soon enough) and friends too (I’m friendly with strangers and I don’t trust people easily though). Oh how dumb I have become!!!! I forgot to use my brain. If only I had not forgotten to use my brain, I wouldn’t be writing here.
Well, I must be a smartass myself again. I must be a good wife so everything that I say he will follow. I will be a good wife so that soon we will buy our own condo or house and I will be away from his family and live a happy, simple life with lots of money. I never thought that using brain makes things easier again. I got influenced by his dumb brain making me dumber than him. If anyone of you hadn’t experienced yet a dumb husband, please go snatch mine but tell me first.