I was very apprehensive about this entry… and joining Open Diary in general, even though I’m under “Anonymously Honest”. There’s just something about laying it all out there for anyone and everyone to see and the possibility of getting negative reactions/responses. I guess I’m just nervous to be judged and nervous about being the only person that feels the way I do.
The couple of people that I did express my feelings to in the past, took it as an advantage and used it against me. And with these couple of people in a room with me at once? Their behavior perturbs me every time. I’m completely baffled during the conversation and become taciturn and morose. But, when I’m by myself I recapitulate the whole conversation and then become cognizant of what was said…(at least my opinion) But by that time..it’s too late.
*Why can’t I keep up during the conversing? I’m vacillating between it being me and my lack of perception, or if it’s wrong to continuously do that to someone they know can’t interpret or comprehend right there on the spot?
**Creating the scenario below is an easier way for me to express how I feel and what I’m currently going through. It’s fictitious but Janes’s feelings and questions are as of my own and I wish I had the answers to them. I wish I had answers to ALL the questions that are asked in this entry. Here goes nothing! 😟
—-Jane has been 50 lbs her whole life, now she’s 100 lbs, she’s clearly gained weight and she also doesn’t have a job, and is very self-conscious about both. Not only has her appearance altered but she can’t contribute to any bills and help out her boyfriend financially. Dick, is Jane’s boyfriend, and they are heading over to his brother Tom’s house for dinner. They arrived and everyone one was lounging about in the living room watching a movie. Everything seemed to be going well, at least Jane thought so. It was time to eat dinner so they gathered around the dining room table. They were all eating and conversing, but Jane had to use the restroom, she excused herself from the conversation and the table. Meanwhile, Dick and Tom continued a conversation Jane was unaware of because she wasn’t there…clearly. Jane returned from the restroom and sat back down at the dining room table. Dick and Tom continued whatever conversation they were having. She didn’t know what the men were talking about, so she continued to eat her dinner, and her eyes moved from between both men, back and forth, like she was watching the ball during a tennis match. Jane finally caught on a little bit of what they were talking about, they were mentioning their father’s farm. On that farm, he has cows, chickens, pigs, etc, the “whole 9 yards” or the “big shebang”. She wasn’t sure exactly what was being said about the farm, but she knew the theme.
Dick continued on, saying: “Yeah, dad needs to get rid of that useless chicken sally, it’s starting to get way to big.”
Tom: “I agree, and it isn’t doing its job it just lays around.”
Dick: “Exactly! She doesn’t lay that many eggs anymore, She used to do a good job and lay a bunch of them but it went to s*it.”
Tom: “Oh yeah! Then he definitely needs to get rid of that chicken and get a new one.”
Dick: “I tried talking to him about it the other day but he’s stuck between getting rid of old Sally or getting rid of the other chicken, Little Doe. He says he only needs one of them.”
Tom: “Wow, I forgot about Little Doe! Why doesn’t dad just keep both of them?”
Dick: “He says it’s to much work keeping up with two chickens.”
——-Meanwhile, Jane is starting to feel very uneasy and anxious. Both men aren’t paying any mind to her or including her into the conversation. She pulls her cell phone out her back pocket, opens her FaceBook app and starts to scroll her newsfeed. Really, she’s not looking at anything shes just sliding her thumb down the phone screen seeing nothing but on big blur of words and pictures. She thinks they are talking about her, she feels pretty certain that they are referring to her kind of..like talking in “code”? She doesn’t want them to know or think that she’s aware of what they’re really talking about. A part of her thinks that her boyfriend Dick does know that she has an idea, but doesn’t care and continues the conversation with his brother, because she can’t prove that what she is thinking is valid.
Tom: “That’s understandable. Which chicken do you think he’ll get rid of? Old Sally or Little Doe?”
Dick: “I’m not sure. Little Doe is healthy and works hard, and in return, we get a bunch of eggs. Old Sally, on the other hand, isn’t healthy anymore and doesn’t work hard and in return, we get little to no eggs.”
Tom: “Personally, I think dad should just get rid of Old Sally then. That’s an easy answer to me.”
Dick: “Yeah but dad says there’s a lot of sentiment when it comes to her because he’s had her so long. He just wants her to get healthy again and do her job as a chicken should.”
Tom: “Well then…I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what he’s going to do.”
——That was the last thing Jane heard of the conversation she just couldn’t take it anymore and got too anxious and upset, she started to cry. She hoped that they didn’t realize that she got so uncomfortable and uneasy. She cleaned up the empty plates on the dinner table and walked into the kitchen to do dishes, she just wanted for her and Dick to get in the car and go home. While she was alone in Tom’s kitchen doing the dishes, Jane started replaying the conversation between the guys in her mind. At the dinner table, she was thinking to herself “Maybe they weren’t actually referring to me? Maybe it’s just all in my head?” Now as shes alone to herself, re-evaluating and replaying the conversation, she’s starting to believe more and more that yes they were actually talking about her. She’s hurting.——
——As Dick and Jane say their goodbyes to Tom. Which Tom is still treating her nicely, his attitude stayed constant throughout the evening, even right after the conversation he had with Dick about the “chickens”. As he hugs Jane goodbye she acts like shes okay and smiles, but she can’t help but think “How two-faced he is.”——
——Dick and Jane in the car heading home. Of course, Jane is still thinking about the conversation her boyfriend (the person she loves so much) and his brother had at the dinner table. She feels like her heart as been ripped out her chest, and she can’t take it any longer. She decided to bring up that upsetting conversation she witnessed her boyfriend have but didn’t know how to bring it up. She was very anxious and hurt and didn’t say a word for a good while. Gripping the steering wheel so hard her knuckles are turning white, she just stared straight ahead at the white and yellow lines on the road and into the darkness of the night. Dicks’s voice had startled her, she was so lost in her head.——
Dick: “What’s wrong babe? You’ve been really quiet”
Jane: “Nothing..I’m fine. I was just craving “chicken” really bad tonight.”
Jane: “Why don’t you go talk to your brother again about choosing which “chicken” to get rid of.”
Dick: “Really Jane? We were talking about Daddy getting rid of one of his chickens”
Jane: “Seriously Dick I’m not stupid, I know exaaactly what yall were talking about!”
Dick: “Then what? What were we talking about?”
Jane: “…..You know exactly…what I’m talking about…”
Dick: “See you don’t even know.”
Jane: “Yes I do! You’re just going to deny it! Geez, just be straight up, quit beating around the bush.”
Dick: “Oh my f***king gosh, you, yourself don’t even know what you’re talking about!”
Jane: “You were talking about another girl! If you’re going to cheat then why be in a relationship?”
Dick: “Ugh here we go again! You need to get over yourself Jane!”
Jane: “Just be honest! I’ll leave if I need to! There’s no point in keeping me around if you’re going to cheat.”
Dick: “Exactly! I don’t care about that shit!”
Jane: “I know you’re seeing someone else and yall were talking about it right in front of me!”
Dick: “Okay…where’s the proof?”
Dick: “That’s what I thought, there is none.”
—–They arrived home and they both got ready for bed. Jane gave up on the conversation, she still believes Dick and his brother Tom were referring to her…But, there’s nothing left to say. It’s like beating a dead horse by that point, even if she were right, which she believes she is…she knows he’ll never admit it.—–
—– So there they both are in bed now. Dick lays down and falls asleep with no problem, and no care in the world it seems. As for Jane, she sits there in bed, pillows acting as a barrier between her back and the headboard, stuck in her own head questioning her sanity. She wants to distract herself by keeping her mind busy on something else…maybe reading? So she turns her bedside lamp on, goes and turns off the ceiling light, and comes and gets back in her comfy sitting position with the fluffy pillows propping her up, sheets nice and already warm. She reaches for a book from the drawer of the nightstand, she also grabs her reading glasses, puts them on, then begins to read. After some time she starts to get a little sleepy but doesn’t to put the book down…Afraid that if she does put it down she won’t fall to sleep right away, and be left again with the unbarring thought of the love of her life not wanting her anymore or if the whole thing was all in her head. Jane grips the book and literally reads until she falls asleep, book in hand, sitting up, and with her glasses still on. In the middle of the night, she wakes up, takes her reading glasses off and puts both her book and glasses on her nightstand and turns off the lamp. She lays down flat on the bed and stretches, which felt great after being in that sitting position. Immediately, she falls back to sleep. In the middle of the night, she kind of woke up but was still in a hazy, she feels the warmth of Dick as he’s holding and cuddling her, and she lets him…she falls into a deep sleep.——
——The next morning…Jane hears Dick shoveling around taking a shower and getting ready for work. The sounds woke her up for a quick second but she fell right back to sleep. The next time she wakes up it’s Dick kissing her head saying “I’m going to work, love you” and Jane returns the love and falls back asleep one more and final time. After she finally gets up for the day, Dick calls her all happily…Like nothing happened at all the evening/night before. She plays along because the previous night felt vague to her, kind of like it never happened. Guessing it’s because it’s a new day and all. She starts to think that it was all her fault and her interpretation of the conversation her boyfriend and his brother Tom had was all in her head and that they really were talking about chickens. Jane lets it go knowing that it’ll happen again and probably soon. She’ll continue to be on this Ferris wheel…going in circles. She questions her sanity all the time. And because of this she doesn’t like being around ANYONE, even her own family because she fears the same incident will happen again, where she thinks people are referring to her. She closes herself off from the world, avoiding ANY and ALL social interactions as much as possible. She just wants to know…..
Is it all in my head?…. Is this just how the world works? ….or… Am I being gaslighted?