Today

I feel awkward, company lunch half-hour, the feeling you have to say something to contribute, but, but how can I explain myself? You know the feeling like wanting to throw up, but however deep you stick your finger down your throat nothing wants to come out?

I am a contractor, I dont belong . I was hired in to fix this little thing they had been struggling with for the last 18 months. This thing that seemed so very thingish at first turned out to be nothing at all because I was able to fix it in less than a week. Out in the open and other people looking at it, this thing was very different, freaking people out. But I told them, like that, everything this thing needed was already there and in the right place, and all I did was just tying up the the last little loose ends for them. They could took comfort in my words and honestly, I dont believe that I did anything more than that.

It is a small company and the people are so nice and heart warming, they make me wish I could hug them. I honestly believe I would have if I just could have liked myself a little bit more… Just a tiny little bit…

Strangely, during our awkward lunch half-hours, thinking of ingenious ways ending my own life comforts me. Unfortunately this is not an escape I consider myself worthy of…

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June 28, 2019

I find myself in situations I find very awkward and all i want to do is go to the bathroom and stay there till they all leave.