I Think It’s Time

I think I need to go back to therapy. I saw a therapist for almost 2 years but just stopped going. I don’t really remember why I stopped but I do remember it being helpful. I remember being extremely tired when I’d get home from therapy. I get to the point where I feel like I’m ready to start on a “random hobby” but then I end up not doing it. I want to get to the bottom of why I do that. I’ve started trying to notice *why* I get to that point. The last couple of times it’s happened it’s always that little voice in my head saying “why bother”. Well, because it could bring me some goddamned happiness, it would get me out of the house and I wouldn’t feel like I waste the weekend just laying around. At least if I’m out *creating* something or doing something to make myself better.

3 weeks ago I bought a new DSLR camera and a dedicated macro lens all because I went to the park and watched dragonflies down by the lake. Once the gear got here that voice kicked in with the familiar “why bother”. On the 4th of July weekend, my state park trip was to get some experience with my new camera/lens and I got there and didn’t even take it out of the bag because “why bother”. It’s so goddamned frustrating and I can’t seem to get it out of my head at the moment and then beat myself over it. Or in the case of the state park trip, I drop into yet another depressive episode**. Maybe going back to therapy and having something so specific to work out would be beneficial. I had a really good relationship with my therapist, which takes a lot of stress about going back away. Finding a therapist that I had chemistry with was a really difficult process and one I really don’t want to go through again.

I think I will see if I can get an appointment. I have great insurance, might as well put it to good use.


** Side note: I’ve been dealing with diagnosed depression and anxiety for close to a decade(undiagnosed, pretty much my entire adult life). I’ve tried different meds, combos of different meds, etc and none of it helped. The physical side effects from the meds were always pretty intrusive and severe. I stopped taking my meds in late 2019 and went back to a more mindful approach exclusively. It’s worked well for the most part, but I’ve started referring to my depression in “episodes” over the last few months with the goal being to reframe the way I think about depression. I’m not depressed all the time, just most of the time so what if I can see an endpoint when I’m feeling depressed. I’m not catching the start of an episode all the time but I’m getting better and it does help me to not just fall into depression and then realize it’s been months and I have to crawl my way out of it. I feel like it’s putting a time limit on it and when that first spark of hope comes back and I catch it it’s like I know I’m coming out of it and I can start doing more self care things.

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July 12, 2021

Welcome to my world, friend. I’ve been going to therapy off and on since I was 30. Steadily since I turned 33. At first, the diagnosis was depression. Then, when nothing worked and I had a nervous breakdown after staying up for five days and building a website of 16 pages while learning to do so. It was on ivillage, but they deleted all the old stuff. It was a real shame. I got traffic, and it was great. But five days awake all day, and my breakdown came at work. The diagnosis was now Bipolar Type II,,, until I started having auditory hallucinations of demons and the devil speaking to me. A priest at another parish told me this wasn’t a religious problem, but a psychological problem. It’s both, but it earned me the diagnosis of Bipolar I.

I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. I woke up with huge anxiety today, and sickness from my gallbladder, and one panic attack after another.

Go back to therapy, friend. You’ll thank yourself. I personally believe everyone in the world needs therapy lol.

July 14, 2021

@caria That’s quite a progression and it sucks you’ve had to deal with that. I often worry about a mental/nervous breakdown as one of my aunts had one at work and she was never the same after and had to be institutionalized for most of the rest of her life. I often feel like I’m on the verge of one, mostly during the workday when I am dealing with something out of the ordinary which is pretty much every day. It doesn’t matter if it’s something unimportant or important I just feel like my mind goes blank, my heart starts racing and I just want to get away from the entire situation. It’s hard to explain but it can get so overwhelming at times.

July 14, 2021

@anotherblogger Oh, you don’t have to explain. I understand that feeling perfectly, and it was the precursor to my breakdown. Please find a way to practice some self-care, talk to your therapist, do whatever you need to head that off at the pass. I miss my old self, and my old job. I miss being able to work at all. I haven’t even been able to work part-time, but I’m going to keep trying. I hope you do, too!