I think I need to go back to therapy. I saw a therapist for almost 2 years but just stopped going. I don’t really remember why I stopped but I do remember it being helpful. I remember being extremely tired when I’d get home from therapy. I get to the point where I feel like I’m ready to start on a “random hobby” but then I end up not doing it. I want to get to the bottom of why I do that. I’ve started trying to notice *why* I get to that point. The last couple of times it’s happened it’s always that little voice in my head saying “why bother”. Well, because it could bring me some goddamned happiness, it would get me out of the house and I wouldn’t feel like I waste the weekend just laying around. At least if I’m out *creating* something or doing something to make myself better.
3 weeks ago I bought a new DSLR camera and a dedicated macro lens all because I went to the park and watched dragonflies down by the lake. Once the gear got here that voice kicked in with the familiar “why bother”. On the 4th of July weekend, my state park trip was to get some experience with my new camera/lens and I got there and didn’t even take it out of the bag because “why bother”. It’s so goddamned frustrating and I can’t seem to get it out of my head at the moment and then beat myself over it. Or in the case of the state park trip, I drop into yet another depressive episode**. Maybe going back to therapy and having something so specific to work out would be beneficial. I had a really good relationship with my therapist, which takes a lot of stress about going back away. Finding a therapist that I had chemistry with was a really difficult process and one I really don’t want to go through again.
I think I will see if I can get an appointment. I have great insurance, might as well put it to good use.
** Side note: I’ve been dealing with diagnosed depression and anxiety for close to a decade(undiagnosed, pretty much my entire adult life). I’ve tried different meds, combos of different meds, etc and none of it helped. The physical side effects from the meds were always pretty intrusive and severe. I stopped taking my meds in late 2019 and went back to a more mindful approach exclusively. It’s worked well for the most part, but I’ve started referring to my depression in “episodes” over the last few months with the goal being to reframe the way I think about depression. I’m not depressed all the time, just most of the time so what if I can see an endpoint when I’m feeling depressed. I’m not catching the start of an episode all the time but I’m getting better and it does help me to not just fall into depression and then realize it’s been months and I have to crawl my way out of it. I feel like it’s putting a time limit on it and when that first spark of hope comes back and I catch it it’s like I know I’m coming out of it and I can start doing more self care things.